Cuts and Bruises
by RaphSai03
Summary: "The world around me is growing black. The only color is the cuts I carry on my wrists. The blood that drains from the scars I have made. I need help. I want help. But the world has forgotten me. And I am alone." -Raphael Rated T for language and self harm
1. Pain

I bite my lips, holding back the tears as the blade create a new cut. Crimson red blood pours from the opening and I grin at it. Pain. Beautiful.

I set my sai on the counter next to me. Blood stains the cool surface, leaving evidence of my self harm. Not that I care. Splinter and Leonardo already know. Donatello is on to me. Michelangelo is as clueless as ever.

I must have at least 20 scars, all hidden neatly under the white bandages that sense requires us to wear. I've always complained about how pointless they were. Little does he know the advantage they are to me.

I walk to the sink to rinse off my sai, no point in leaving blood on it. I watch the water as it devolves the red poison, wishing it could resolve me.

"Raph?! Raph where are you?" Shot. Leo.

My brother walks into the kitchen just as I was putting my sai in my belt. "What do ya want?" I demand bitterly.

Leo doesn't answer. He looks around the kitchen, eyeing the blood on the counter. Fuck, I forgot to clean it up.

"We're you cutting yourself again?" Leo asks me angrily. I don't answer.

He takes a step forward and grabs my left arm. I try to pull it away, but his grip is firm and hard. "Let go of me." I hiss. Leonardo looks up at me. "No." Not the answer I was expecting.

I watch as he unwraps the bandages. He sets them on the counter before examining my wrist.

His fingers trail down the scars. He looks shocked, but I know he ain't. He's known that I cut myself for a month and a half now. But he's never seen'm.

I didn't tell him about the cuts. I didn't tell Splinter, either. I didn't intend on either of them knowin', it just happened.

I don't know how on earth Sensei found out. One day he just approached me and asked if I hurt myself. I denied and lied. He saw right through my words.

A couple days later Leo came to me and asked if I had anything I wanted to talk about. I knew right away what happened. Daddy told Leo. His precious little angel.

I don't know why I was so surprised that Leo knew, Splinter tells him everything. That goddamn bastard.

"Raph, why do you do this?" Fearless asks me. I snort.

My answer is a question. "Why do you drink that tea all the time?"

"Because it's good for me."

"Exactly." I grab the bandages off of the counter and retie them to my wrist.

I walk out of the kitchen, Leo following me.

"What do you want now?" My patience has grown thin and I'm about to strangle my older brother.

"Why do you do it, though? What drove you to this?" The question unsettles me. I can't tell him. If he knows he'll deny it and call me dramatic. Stupid. Weak. Worthless. All of the things I call myself.

The air becomes thin and I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I look around rapidly, trying to find an exit. I need air. Air. Fresh air.

I run to the garage and hop onto my bike. Leonardo follows me, screaming. But I can't hear him. I can't hear or feel anything.

I strap on my helmet. Need air. Need air.

I rev up my bike and take off. I don't look back. I'll never look back.

_/_

_Pain, without love_

Pain, I can't get enough

Pain, I like it rough.

_'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all_


	2. Sometimes

**2**

My bike ran out of gas over an hour ago, so I left it in an alleyway. Now, I'm sitting in the rain on a cold, wet roof. Not that I really care. Honestly, I'm glad that my bike died. There's a tracker on my bike, meaning Leo could've been following me. I left my shellcell in my room. So there is absolutely no way he can find me.

Rain pours down hard and fast, making the world around me blurred. I like it this way. When i can't see a thing because of the darkness that surrounds me. Even though the darkness never leaves.

Over the roaring rain, I hear footsteps approaching me. I turn my head to see a shadowed figure approaching me. _Great, Foot soldiers._

I stand up and unsheathe my Sai. I twirl them in my hands. The leather feels so good against my rough, scarred up hands. Blisters have formed on my knuckles from too many hours spent with punching bag.

My eyes are set on the figure that gets closer and closer with every passing second. There is only one shadow. Who is it? Karai? Bishop? Shredder? Hun? No matter who it is, their dead.

The figure is finally recognizable, and I see that I was wrong. It is in fact, my biggest enemy of all.

Leonardo.

"How in the hell did you find me?" I bark angrily.

Leo looks at me, seemingly unfazed by my yelling. "It wasn't that hard, actually. Donnie's been working on a newer version of the shellcycle. I asked if I could test it out and Don let me. I tracked your motorcycle, and followed you onto the rooftops."

I'm impressed. Am I gonna admit it? No. He found me. So? Do I care? No. Is him finding me a benefit to me? No. A benefit to him? No. All this has earned him is a good beating.

"Why'd you come ta find me?" I ask him, still twirling my Sai.

"Because you never answered me." I press a hand to my forehead. He came all the way out here just because i didn't answer his goddamn question?

"If I didn't answer it then what makes you think I'm gonna answer it now?" I ask him.

Leonardo let's out a sigh. "I don't know. I was just hoping that you would let me in and tell me what this is all about. I want to help you, Raphael." I snort at his response.

"Well you're outta luck, big brother. Because I don't need be help. I'm perfectly fine on my own." I slide my twin Sai back behind my back.

"Oh really? Because I beg to differ." Leonardo challenges.

"Leave me alone, Leo." I warn him between gritted teeth.

"No! What part of this is 'perfectly fine?' You've been cutting yourself for the past- oh I don't even know how long you've been at this! All I know is that it needs to stop before something bad happens." Leo points a finger at me. I push his finger down and walk away to the edge of the building.

"It's been about a year and a half." I inform him impatiently. I jump to the next roof, Leonardo following close behind.

"But why? What made you want to do all of this? Why is it good for you to harm yourself?" Leonardo asks with confusion.

I snort. He must know. He always brags about how he can see right through people and knows exactly what's going on with everyone. He claims to know every single little problem. Guess that was a lie, too.

"Because it helps ease the pain." I won't tell him the big details, just little tid bits.

"That makes zero sense."

"How?"

"Because you're easing the pain _with_ pain." Leonardo points out the flaws.

"Exactly. If you're in pain and you take a greater pain to replace it, you'll forget the first pain. The only problem is that the cutting isn't stronger." I explain to him.

Why am I wasting my time explaining this to Leo? He'll never understand it. Not truly. You can't just explain something to someone and expect them to understand what it's like. That'd be like explaining cancer to a perfectly healthy person.

"What is so bad that it makes cutting yourself easy?" Leonardo looks up at me with eyes of sorrow. Awe, he's pretending he feels bad. How fucking adorable.

"I can't tell you." I say after a long pause.

"Why? We're brothers... We can trust each other." I shake my head in denial. "I can't trust you, Leo."

I take off in a sprint. For the second time tonight, Leonardo chases after me. Screaming my name. And for the second time tonight, I don't turn back.

I cannot trust. I cannot love. I cannot forget.

/

_Sometimes when I lie  
I know you're on to me  
Sometimes I don't mind  
How hateful that I can be  
Sometimes I don't try  
To make you happy  
I don't know why I do the things I do to you but..._

_Sometimes I don't wanna be better  
Sometimes I can't be put back together  
Sometimes I find it hard to believe  
There's someone else who could be  
Just as messed up as me_


	3. It's Not Me It's You

**Hi everyone. I'm really not sure if I should continue or not. So please review if you want me continue. If I don't get at least 2 reviews I'm probably not going to continue. Just a heads up. Anyway, please enjoy. **

**3**

I sit with my legs tucked underneath me, my head looking down at my hands that rest on my knees. Leonardo sits beside me in the same position. Splinter paces around the room, lecturing us both about how we shouldn't have left without saying anything.

I roll my eyes as he starts with his, "Learn to Control Your Temper" speech. I know it all too well. He uses it so much. Why he's using it now doesn't make much sense. My temper had nothing to do with me "sneaking out." But Splinter will use my anger against me anytime he can.

"Sensei, don't blame Raphael. It wasn't his fault. I was pressuring him and he tried to get me to leave him alone. I wouldn't and that drove him to going out on his motorcycle. If anyone is to blame it's me." I snort at my brother. He's trying to make himself look guilty. He knows that if he says that it was his fault them Splinter won't give out punishments and then he's gonna expect me to thank him. Sorry Charlie! It ain't happenin'.

"Is this true, Raphael? Was it your brothers fault?" What he means is, "Are you really going to let Leonardo take the blame?" My answer? Hell yes. If Leo wants to play that game then I'll let him. Fuck, I'll play with him!

"Yes. Yes it was." Leonardo looks at me with eyes of betrayal. I dodge his look. _Focus on your hands, keep them from shaking,_ I instruct myself.

"Hm.. What was your brother pressuring you about?" My eyes go bloodshot at the question.

"H-He wanted to know why I.. C-cut myself." I struggle to let the words free. I cringe, waiting for Splinter to demand an answer like Leo had.

"Leonardo! I instructed you to not ask your brother about that. That is his business and not yours." I look over at Leo in complete shock.

"Hai, Sensei." Leonardo's body is tense and his eyes are squeezed shut.

I look up at my Father. His eyes are fixed on Leonardo. "Raphael, you may go."

I stand up and walk out of the dojo as fast I possibly can. And as soon as I slide the door shut, I can hear Splinter yell-lecturing Leo. I force myself away from the door, heading to my room.

Leonardo is being yelled at because of me. Because I'm too selfish to own up to my faults. I pretend to not care that my brother is in trouble.

Donnie walks out of his lab and stops to watch me. I meet his eyes for only a second before looking back down at my feet. Maybe he didn't see me. Maybe he'll let me go to my room with out notice.

Course, nothing is ever in my favor.

"Raph! Raph, why were you and Leo in the dojo?" Don asks me.

"Because we left the lair without telling Splinta'." I answer dully.

"Why's Leo still in there?" "Because he disobeyed Splinters direct orders." I push past my younger brother and continue the walk to my room. Instead of climbing up the stairs, I jump up to the second floor of our living space. Donatello scrambles up the stairs, trying to keep up with me.

"But he did the same thing you did."

"Sorta. We both snuck out and then he asked me a question he wasn't supposed to ask." I don't face my brother while we talk. I just look strait ahead, focusing on the path in front of me.

"What'd he ask?" Don looks at me. I don't look back.

"I can't tell you." I walk faster than I was before, eager to get away from the pressure.

_A Day Later_

I didn't come out of my room at all after my talk with Donnie. I made a new cut, in honor of my Dear Ol' brother Leonardo. I hope he's happy.

Me and my brothers sit at the table, which is much quieter than usual. Me and Leo are starrin' daggers at each other and Donnie keeps looking back and forth between us two, probably trying to figure out what's going on between us. Mikey tried getting us to all talk and have fun like we usually do, but he gave up when he realized that it wasn't gonna work. So now, we sit in complete silence.

I've got a knife, my fingers curled around it. It's supposed to be used to cut up my food, but I'm considering cutting up Leo. Or myself. One of the two.

I can no longer tell the difference between me and Leo. We're both assholes who do nothin' but lie, cheat, and steal. But he would beg to differ. He'd probably say that I'm an asshole who doesn't know how to respect his leader. That I'm an asshole who has no path in life. That I'm an asshole who has no goddamn purpose. Blah, blah, blah. I don't give a shit what he thinks about me.

Leonardo doesn't eat. He just stares at me in anger and dismay. I smirk at my older brother. Leo's glare deepens, making my smirk bigger.

"What about this do you find funny, Raphael?" Leo asks in a deep, growl like tone.

"Just how you think this is my fault." I answer cooly.

"I don't think. I know." I chuckle at his response. Fearless, as usual, thinks he's right about everything. _Prepare to be proved wrong. _

"Well, you're wrong. You wouldn't have gotten trouble if you obeyed Splinta' by not askin' that question. Also, you took the blame. I ain't the one who screwed up, Leo. This is all on you and you know it." I remind my brother.

"Do you honestly think I wasn't going to ask?! You're my brother, Raphael. And I care about you. I will do anything to make sure you're safe, even if it means breaking rules." I snort.

That ain't why he asked the goddamn question at all! It's because he wanted to look nice and caring, the opposite of what he truly is.

"You don't care about me or my safety. You just don't want to loose one of your little soldiers." Leo gives me a look of shock at my accusation. He stands up, pushing his chair away from him.

"That isn't true! In that moment I wasn't being your leader, I was being your brother! I don't want you to die, Raph. I want to help you." Leo exclaims. I glare at him.

"Why would he die?" Mikey asks, confused. Both me and Leo ignore our youngest brother, to focused on our argument to notice his sad tone asking a caring question.

"I don't want your help!"

"I don't care if you want my help or not! You're going to get and you are going to like it!" Leonardo yells angrily. "So tell me how I can help you get through this, right now!"

Now I'm standing. Now I'm walking. Now I'm in his face, nose to nose with the person I hate the most.

"You really wanna know how you can help?" I growl in a whisper. Leonardo doesn't flinch, he just looks at me. "Stop askin.'"

I turn around, leaving the kitchen for my room. And I don't need to turn around to see the angered expression on Leo's face. I've already got it glued into my damn mind.

_Later_

I sit at my desk, a notebook in front of me, opened to a fresh and empty page. A sharpened pencil lays in my hand, and a bottle beer sits next to me. I reach forward, taking a sip of the bittersweet alcohol. My head spins as the icy cold beverage takes over my brain, freezing the pain until I can no longer feel it.

I set the glass bottle back in its place, turning my attention to the almost-filled-up book in front of me. I write in this book a lot. About my new cuts and what they represent. The very first cut I made over a year ago.

What drove me to cutting myself, he asks. You. That's what I'm gonna say next time. You.

/

_It's not me it's you  
Always has been you  
All the lies and stupid things you say and do  
It's you  
It's not me it's you  
All the lies and pain you put me through  
I know that it's not me it's you_

_/_


	4. Yours to hold

**Sorry for the delay! Enjoy and review!**

_**4**_

_Fire burns around me and I try to find my way out of this blazing maze. Screams of innocent and helpless children echo in my ears. I cannot help them, for I cannot help myself. _

_I run through the scorching tunnels of flames, trying to find an escape. As I turn a corner, I see a young girl that I recognize as Casey's sister. "Melony!" I shout her name._

_The small girl turns around and looks up at me. "Monster! Monster!" She screams at me. Melony points a finger at me as tears start rolling down her face. _

_"It's okay, Mel. It's just me, Raphael. You remember me, I'm your big brothers friend. It's okay. I'm here to help." I reassure her as I continue to slowly walk towards her. She shakes her head in denial, and her dark brown hair swings with it._

_Melony backs up, getting closer and closer to the fore with each and every step. "Melony, stop! You're getting to close to the fire!" But it's already too late. Her hair is ablaze and she lets out a high pitched scream. "MELONY!" I rush forward and grab her delicate hand, attempting to pull her away from the fire. Instead, she falls into it, screaming the words, "You have failed me, Raphael!", as she burns to ash. _

_"No!" I melt to the ground, resting my head on my knees. My arms form a shield around my crying face. I have failed._

_Failure, I am..._

"My son, what is wrong?" I shoot up off of my desk as Master Splinters voice wakes me up from my terrible dream.

As soon as I am sitting up, I run my head. I sat up too fast too quick and my head pounds, the alcohol from last night dizzying me.

"Nothing.. It was just a bad dream." I say mostly to myself. Splinter stares at me intently, stroking his long beard. I look up at him with a helpless expression. Neither of us speak, we just stare at each other.

I look around me. Beer bottles are spread all over on the desk and a few are on the floor. My notebook is still open, with several broken pencils next to it. A dull one sits neatly inner seen two pages.

"What is in the notebook?" My father asks. I look up at him, and then back at my journal. "I don't know. Just.. stuff." I answer as dull as the pencil I had used last night.

"Hm. You should clean up this mess. Would you like Leonardo to help?" It's then that I notice my brother standing behind my father. I glare at Leo with as much ferocity as the flames of which had swallowed Melony only moments ago in my tortured dream.

"No." I answer bitterly. But, of course, Splinter leaves and Leonardo enters my room to help clean up.

I stare daggers at my so called brother as he carefully sweeps up bits of glass into a small pile with his bare hands. "I don't need, or want, your help." I state harshly.

Leo pauses and looks up at me. "I know, but you need it."

I scowl. I don't need his damn help! What makes him think he's so much better than me, anyhow?

"I can clean up my own beer cans, thank you very much." My low voice responds with a bit of sarcasm.

"I'm not just talking about the beer, Raphael." Oh, not this again! He needs to get off his fuckin' high horse and learn that we don't need his help to survive! I'm perfectly fine on my own, thanks.

"Either way, I don't need your help. Now get out of my room." I point towards the door. I don't stand up, because sitting is already hard enough. My head spins faster than a blender and I just want to relax.

Leo doesn't say anything, or do anything but proceed to cleaning.

I slam my fist down on the chair that I sit in. "Get the fuck out of my room before I beat the livin' shit outta ya!" I threaten.

The words fly out of my mouth and Leo is soon on his feet. "Not until you tell me what the hell is going on!"

"I'm dying, that's what!" I yell. My feet hold up my wobbly legs and I glare sharply at my "leader."

"Tch, and you think you're 'perfectly fine.'" Leo rolls his eyes as he walks out of my room, leaving me alone.

I let out a huff of exhaustion. I've only been up for about 15 minutes and I'm already as tired as I was when I fell asleep.

It's now that I realize just how messy my room is. Beer cans are scrawled out everywhere, many of them are broken and cracked, leaving broken shards of glass in the floor, threatening to cut open my feet.

I look down at a shinning glass shard standing near my right foot. I bend down and pick up the shard, studying it in my hand.

As I move the broken glass between my fingers, I notice that it is shaped like a heart. I glare at the deadly object in my hand.

My reflection stares back at me and my glare hardens. There is nothing I hate more than myself.

I wrap the thick bandages from my wrist and set it on my desk. Next, I take my sharp blade and dig it into my skin. Crimson red blade pours from my skin and I let out a sigh of relief at the pain.

**MYSTERY POV**

I look into Raphael's room, pushing the door open just enough for me to see into the room. I watch my brother as he lifts a piece of glass from the floor and examines it carefully. I shift my weight from foot to foot, itching to get some evidence to support my theory.

Then, something happens, Raphael begins to unwrap the bandages on his wrists. My eyes widen as I see the scars on his wrists. _Bingo_.

Raph takes the glass and digs it into his wrist, blood pouring from the cut just made. As blood pours from Raphael's arm, tears pour from my eyes. I must help him. I must help my brother.

_Before it's too late. _

_..._

_I see you standing here_

But you're so far away

Starving for your attention

You don't even know my name

_You're going through so much_

_But I know that I could be the one to hold you_

...

**Sorry for the short chapter, hopefully I can update soon. I hope you enjoyed it though. Who was the mystery POV? What is happening with Raphael? Please review and have a nice weekend! **


	5. Be Somebody

**Thanks for the reviews everyone! I really appreciate them ;) I just wanted to let you guys know that at the end of the chapter I have song lyrics, so that's what the Italics are. Enjoy and review!**

**5**

57...58...59...60...

I punch the punching bag fast.

61...62…63…64…

Hard, and fast.

65...66...67...68...

I can feel the blisters forming on my knuckles.

69...70...71...72...

Are my bandages unwrapping?

73...74...75...76...

Ah, who cares?

77...78...79...80...

How long have I been at this?

81...82...83...84...

Shit, my cuts are showing.

85...86...87...88...

Nobody's here to see.

89...90...91...92...

I'll stop at a hundred punches.

93...94...95...96...

Only a couple more.

97...98...99...100

We're those footsteps?

I whip around to see Michelangelo standing near the large tree. His eyes move from my face to my wrists and my eyes widen. I quickly grab my bandages off the ground and rapidly start wrapping them around my wrists.

Mikey stares at me with a sad expression. I look at him, my mouth open slightly. "Mike.. Its not what it looks like."

"Yes, it is. I'm not stupid, Raph. I watched you cut yourself with the glass this morning." My youngest brother stands tall. His head is raised and his posture is strong. His baby blue eyes burn with determination and strength, staring me down and making me want to cower. In that moment, I don't see him as an ignorant teen, but as a faithful brother. I've never seen this side of Mikey, this beautiful and grown up side. It's amazing. But why is it here?

"So, I'm guessing you've already told Don, April, and Casey?" I ask bitterly.

"No. I haven't told anyone. Am I the only one who knows?" "Nope. Splinta' and fearless found out a little over a month ago."

Strength melts to hurt in the eyes in my baby brothers eyes. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because I didn't tell them. They found out on there own. I didn't intend on anyone finding out." I answer.

After securing both bandages around my wrists, I walk out of the dojo. "Why weren't you going to tell us? We can help you, Raph."

I snort. "Where have I heard that before?"

"I know, i know, I sound like Leo. But Leo's way of helping is pressuring you into telling him what's wrong. I don't do that. I want to help by showing you a good time. And I've got the perfect prank in mind." I turn around to see Mikey staring at me with a mischievous grin and April's phone in his hand, waving it in the air.

"Where did you get that?" I ask curiously. Follow up question, "What do you intend to do with it?"

"April left it here this morning. _We_ are going to text Donnie from it. He'll get so excited about it, it'll be hysterical!" For the first time in a long time, a grin forms on my face. A grin that isn't forced. A grin that isn't fake. A grin that isn't hiding a thousand cuts. No. It's a grin that is real. Hiding nothing. That is welcome. I cherish the foreign feeling, knowing that it'll be washed away as soon as everyone is sleeping. When I am alone and no one can hear me crying and cutting. "Let's do it."

I let Mikey lead me to a spot where we can see Donnie's expression, but not be noticed at the same time. We sit on the upper floor of the lair, looking under the rails to see our scientific brother on his laptop. I turn to Mikey and we both hide behind a wall, right at the edge so we can see his reaction. I watch as my little brother goes into April's phone and into her messages. Mike scrolls until he finds Donnie's contact. "Cowabunga, dude." He whispers under his breath as he sends the first message.

**Hey Don! What's up? :)**

Me and Mikey peer into the living room. I can hear the faint sound of a vibration coming from Donnie's phone and he looks down at it. His face instant glows and he struggles to pic up his phone, overwhelmed with excitement from the unexpected text.

**Hello April. I'm not doing much just reading about Kraang spotting a. Hopefully I can find some clues that can help us get rid of them. They must have a portal somewhere! **

Me and Mikey both grin at Donnie's nerdiness. Mikey begins typing the next message.

**That's great, Don! I can't wait to get rid of those slimy little freaks. How's the retromutagen going? Do you think you'll be able to return my dad back to normal?**

An odd question considering the fact that this is a prank text, but if it keeps the conversation going then whatever.

**I'll get it done asap. I'm pretty sure I've figured out the final ingredient! Wanna know what it is?**

We and Mikey both exchange a look of boredom before Mikey sends:

**Of course! **

**Okay, wait for it... Wait for it... The final ingredient is... Kraang slime! **

I stare at Mikey as we both mouth, "Gross!" I rip the phone out of Mike's hands. "Time to heat things up.." I mutter as I type _April's_ next message.

**That's so cool, Bae! Can't wait to come over! ;)**

Me and Mikey spin around as fast as we can to witness Donatello's reaction. And I will say, it's priceless.

I watch my brother jump up on the couch and screech. "LEO! LEO!" Don bounces around on the soft cushions of the couch.

"What?! What's going on?" Leo demands as he raced out of his room. "April just called me Bae!" D screams, still jumping. Leonardo snatches the phone away. "Isn't she supposed to be at school?" He asks as he reads the texts. I bite my bottom lip, trying my hardest to hold back a laugh.

"I don't know... BUT SHE JUST CALLED ME BAE!" Donnie starts jumping around again and start punching the wall, trying my absolute hardest to hold back my laughter.

~Why is it that when I don't want to laugh I have to and when I can't I want to?~

I glance at the clock on April's phone. 2:17. April will be coming to the lair soon, so we should probably hurry up.

I point at the clock and Mikey nods. I motion for Mikey to follow me as I walk to my room. Stealthily, the two of us creep across the hall and into my secret filled room. I turn the knob slowly, careful to not let it squeak. As usual, it doesn't. I have trained myself to open an close doors without noise, to stalk around the lair without being seen. Splinta my not believe it, but I'm the best of his students.

I retrieve my skateboard from its home in my closet and follow Mikey to his room to get his. I open Mike's door for him and I help him remove the board from its place, not making a single noise all the while.

After that, we bolted to the nearest exit and as soon as we were in the expired tunnels of the sewers, we both burst into laughter.

"That was fuckin' awesome!" I get out between laughs. "Haha, and he started jumping on the couch! That was hilarious!" Mikey shouts in agreement. We both run to the nearest man hole, the one that April always comes from.

I push up the manhole cover and slip out of the tunnels, Mikey right on my tail. I nearly run into April. "Here's your phone. You left it in the lair." I say, handing her her much used phone. "Thanks! I've been looking _everywhere_ for this."

"No problem! Me and Raph are gonna go skate, have fun with your Bae!" Mikey calls as we walk away from April. "Okay! Wait.. What?" Me and Mike snicker as we walk off, not answering or friends question.

_4 hours later_

Me and Mikey lay on the rooftop, side by side. My arms have become a pillow for my arms, and I look up at the setting sky above me as I lay on the cold cement. Our skateboards were tossed into some dumpsters after we broke of the wheels trying to jump from roof to roof with 'em. It was a lot of fun.

Today has been the best day I've had in a long time. A very long time. My cuts have been mostly forgotten and I haven't felt angry or scared or confused all day. Why? I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm hanging out with a friend or maybe it's because I'm not in my room. Maybe it's because I've been distracted with other things or maybe it's because of the motivation to keep going.

Or maybe it's just because I don't have a blade with me.

I'd like to think that it's anything but that, but deep down inside I know that that is probably what's up.

I let out a sigh. What now? Do I go home and face the rest of my family? Will Leo confront me again? Will Splinter? Donnie? Or should I just skip home and go to Casey's for the night? What to do... what to do... I decide to just worry about it later, when the sun is no longer noticeable and the stars fill the open sky.

My main concern right now is enjoying this day while it lasts. Mikey has opened a door that I had lost a key to long, long ago. He has opened it and shown me how to use the mysterious world behind it. But can I open it again without his help? Beats me.

Wait.. how did Mikey know to look for my cuts? How did he know how to open this hidden door? And where did he find it?

Most would say it's because he's.. well... Mikey. He's energetic and optimistic. He's perfect and happy. But I don't believe that. Why? Because a couple months ago, when tragedy fell upon our father when he found out that his one and only child was being raised by the Shredder, no one, including Mikey, could find a way to keep Splinters sadness at bay. So why is this time so different? He couldn't even see my door. Even Donnie, the most observant in our entire household, couldn't notice my scars.

"How did you know?" I ask suddenly, breaking the peaceful since between me and my little brother.

"Know what?" "To look for my scars." I respond cooly. Mikey sits up and looks down at me. His eyes go from let loose and fun to serious and concerned in a second. "Because I have them."

...

_I'm just the boy inside the man, not exactly who you think I am_

Trying to trace my steps back here again so many times

I'm just a speck inside your hand, you came and made me who I am

I remember where it all began so clearly

_I feel a million miles away, still you connect me in your way_

And you create in me something I would've never seen

_When I could only see the floor, you made my window a door_

So when they say they don't believe, I hope that they see you in me

_After all the lights go down, I'm just the words you are the sound_

A strange type of chemistry, how you've become a part of me

And when I sit alone at night, your thoughts burn through me like a fire

_You're the only one who knows who I really am._

...

**What does Mikey mean that he has them? Does he cut too? Why would he cut? Please review, I'll update as soon as I can. Have a nice week! ;)**

**-RaphSai03**


	6. Madness In Me

**Haha, I lied. I am updating this story. I love writing it and It was really hard to not update. So, I finally went against what I said and updated. Please review this! **

**6**

"What do you mean you have them? You cut yourself?" I ask in shock at what my brother just told me.

"Used to cut myself. But I still have the scars." I watch my baby brother as he gently unwraps the white bandages from his wrist. He holds up his wrists, showing me the carefully woven scars. My scars are just lines, but his aren't. His are words and shapes. _STUPID_, one reads. _BRAINLESS_, says another. My heart races as I read the horrifying words written across his wrists. "These are words you and Leo and Donnie have used to describe me." I look up at Mikey's small and fragile face. His baby blue eyes lock with mine and I can't read his expression.

"Mike, why didn't you say anything?" I demand. "Why didn't you?" He backfires. I frown, knowing he's right.

"How did you stop? When did you stop? When did you start?" So many questions are swarming through my head right now.

"I started when I was about 11, so like, 5 years ago; and I stopped after about a year and a half. How did I stop? Well, I just got rid of all of my blades and alcohol. It wasn't that hard. But, of course, my weapons aren't blades." Mike answers. I let out a sigh. I could really go for a drink right now. Or a cut. Addicting, this shit is.

"Have you tried drinking your way through this?" Mikey asks me. I nod. "I haven't had a sip of alcohol in forever. But I do know where a shack full of it is. If you ever want anything, let me know." My brother offers. I shoot my head up.

"Why would you show me where all of that crap is?" I ask in pure confusion. Wouldn't he want me to stop drinking and cutting?

"Because I know what it's like to feel pain. And I want to help you get ride of it. So, do ya wanna drink or not?" I nod and follow Mikey to a small shack on top of an abandoned building. There's shelves and shelves full of alcohol, all with the same logo printed on it; Smirnoff.

Hundreds of bottles of Smirnoff are all sitting on the shelves, just within my reach. I read off all of the flavors. "Green apple, Vanilla, Strawberrry, Lime, Cinnamon Roll, Root Beer Float." I stop after that much. I turn around to Michelangelo. "How did you find all of this?"

"I used to sneak out when were younger. One day I followed a group of teens here. It's been abandoned for 4 years now. So this is all ours." I grin as I take French Vanilla off of its shelf and crack off the top. I gulp down the bittersweet drink that stings my throat as it slips out of the bottle. I let out a sigh of refreshment.

"You gonna drink anything?" I ask Michelangelo. He shakes his head. "I don't want to get back into the habit of drinking." I frown. "Come on, Mike, just for tonight? Please?" I beg. Mikey lets out a sigh and grabs Carmel Apple off of the shelf.

I walk towards him and cling our bottles together. "To a better future." Mike cheers. "To a better future." I repeat.

_Later_

I stumble into my room, dizzy from all of the alcohol. As soon as I'm in my room, the door gets slammed shut. I whip around to see who shut it, but I immediately regret the action because of the sharp pain that runs through my head. I wince at the sudden pain.

"Did you and Mikey take my phone and text Don?" April asks with folded arms. I look at her and smirk. "Yup."

"And you made it seem like I called him my Bae?" April's tone is filled with disappointment. I chuckle. "Corse we did! Why wouldn't we have? You love him and he loves you." My words slur, making it obvious that I'm drunk.

"Raph, have you been drinking? You smell like alcohol and your swaying." April eyes switch to concern. "I haven't been drinkin'." I lie.

April shakes her head in disbelief. "We need to get you to Splinter." She says as she grab my arm. I jerk my wrist away from her hand. "I'm not going to see Splunter." I miss pronounce 'Splinter' but hopefully April doesn't notice. She does.

"Raph, you're drunk. Come on." April tries again to guide me away from my room and to my father.

"No! Daddy'll kill me if he finds out I'm drunk!" I yell. April smirks. "So you are drunk?" I look at the red head in confusion. "Who said I was drunk?" "LEONARDO!"

I glare at April as I hear Leonardo's footsteps coming towards my room. Leo's head peeks into the room after he opens the door. "What's going on?" He asks with a raised eyebrow.

"Raph's drunk." Leonardo gives me a look of disappointment. I glare at him, too. "I ain't drunk. Get outta my room." Once again, my words are slurred. I shouldn't have drank so much. 5 bottles Smirnoff really messes with your mind.

My head pounds and my stomach is turning in ways it shouldn't. I feel like I'm gonna throw up at any second now. Ugh, and my head! I'm gonna be in so much pain tomorrow.

"Yes you are. I can tell by your voice. Come on, let's go see Sensei." Leonardo motions for me to come with him. I shake my head a little too hard too fast. "No."

Leonardo huffs and exchanges a look with April. "Master Splinter! We need you in Raph's room!" I scowl as Don and my father both arrive at Leo's call.

"What is it, my son?" Splinter asks with concern.

"Raphael is drunk." April responds. Don looks at me in total confusion. He's the only one in the family that doesn't know about my cuts, and he's the last to learn about my drinking problems.

"Drunk my ass! I'm perfectly somber, I'm just extremely tired." I lie once again. One plus side is that no one will suspect that any things up with my attitude, because I'm always snappy and rude.

"Hm.. Well, either way it is best that Raphael relieves a good nights rest. Leonardo, will you please escort Ms. O'Neil home?" I walk over towards my hammock bed and sit down, watching my so called family as they talk, counting down the minutes till I'm alone.

"Actually, can I just stay here for the night? My dads on a business trip and won't be home till next weekend. I'd feel much safer down here." April explains. "Of course you may stay." Splinter says. Everyone says goodnight before walking out of my room. April stands in the doorway for a couple of seconds before turning off my light for me and shutting the door.

I lay my throbbing head on my pillow and think.

Their stupid. Some family they are. How is it that it took them this long to realize that I cut and drink? How is it that none of us saw Mikey. Ugh..he covered it up so well, too. All he ever does is makes fun of himself, and now I see that he only does that so that it won't hurt as much when we do it to him. But it still hurts.

Ugh! Why is life so horrible? Why am I invisible? Why can't I just die?!

Just slit my throat, someone! Burn my remains, will you're at it. Lay my ashes on the ground, and stomp on my grave. That's when you'll notice, I'm nothin' but dust. How don't you see my pain? It's right underneath my damn mask! JUST OPEN YOUR GODDAMN EYES AND READ ME FOR A SECOND! Drinking, cutting, crying and screaming; it all ends the same. Does God even see me? Or am I invisible to him, too? Nothin' matta's anymore. I barely feel sane... I just can't be saved.

...

_From the fire that burns inside, consuming_

I fight to stay alive but I can't breathe

The voices scream, the enemy takes over everything

_This is the madness in me_

...

**I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Please review, I won't be posting the next chapter until I have received at least 5. Have a nice weekend everyone! **

**-RaphSai03**


	7. Better Than Drugs

**Thank you for those of you who reviewed! I'm sorry for the very long delay, but I'm also writing a bunch of the stories. Please review.**

7

I wake up with a throbbing head and blue eyes on me. April's. Ugh, already? Why can't I just wake up without someone in my room with me? Is it too too much to ask for a peaceful waking?

"May I help ya?" I ask. I close my eyes, wishing I could be sleepin' again.

"We need to talk." I sit up and look at April. It's a Saturday, so she doesn't have school today. I look over at the alarm clock next to my bed, and my eyes widen at the time. _1:37_.

"You have my attention." I say as I stand up and start my morning stretches.

"Okay, last night you said that the reason you used my phone to call Donnie my bae was because he loves me and I love him. Why did you say that?" April asks with curiosity in his voice. I look at her, studying her appearances. Her long red hair is down, surprisingly. It's curved and shining under the light of my room. Her blue eyes shine brightly against my darkness.

"Because... He likes you... And you like him." Ain't it obvious?

April shakes her head in disagreement. "No, Raph, he likes me. I don't like him." I scrunch my eyes, studying the 17 year old carefully. April's a year older than us, and me and my brothers will be turning 16 in two months. Hopefully I can make it with killing myself.

"So... You like Casey." I nod my head in agreement with myself. If it ain't Don who's won her heart, then it's Casey.

Once again, though, in wrong. "I don't like either of them. I like someone else."

"Who is he?" I ask as I crack my knuckles and neck. A small sound indicates that I've succeeded.

"You." Woah.

I stumble backwards, shocked at what she just said. Me?! She likes me?! She can't like me, though! I'm dangerous. I'm an alcoholic. I'm a cutter. I'm hot headed. In other words, I'm bad news. Donatello and Casey are better, she needs to like them. She has to.

"No. Ya can't like me." I say with a hand raised. This ain't real, right? No, it ain't. It's just a prank, probably tryin' to get back at me for the prank I pulled yestaday. "You have to like Don or Case."

"I don't have to like anyone. It's not my fault that I like you." April's arms are folded across her chest, her eyes are glued onto me.

"What the hell is so good about me?!" I demand angrily. April gives me a sad smile and my glare softens, and turns into something more like confusion.

"Because, you always stand up for what you believe in." Not true. "You never let your brothers down." Not true. "You make me laugh." Not true. "And most of all, I know that underneath all of that anger, is a beautiful soul who just needs a little love." Also, not true. Yeah, everything comin' outta her mouth right now is a lie.

April walks over to me, and with every step leading her closer to me, I take a step back. But I soon run out of space to step back, and I'm against the wall, with April only a few steps away.

Just before the gap is closed, I whisper the word, "No." But April's beautiful lips discontinue the word dying to come out of my mouth.

Our lips meet and dance together smoothly. She tastes as good as she smells. Smells as good as she looks. Looks as good as she tastes.

And I don't ever wanna let go.

I wrap my arms around her waist and spin us around so that _she's_ against the wall and _I'm_ in front of her. I take her wrists and hold them above her head using only one hand. My free hand travels up her body, exploring her hips and neck and collarbone.

I move my mouth away from April's and instead to her neck. As I plant nibbles and kisses along her neck, April moans in pleasure, only making me keep on going.

When my mouth is back on hers, we aren't kissing as delicately and gracefully as before. No, now we are making out fiercely. Our tongues explore each other's mouths, battling for dominance. Each time we pull apart for a breath, we immediately push back together, begging for more.

"April..." I moan the girls name against her lips. Then, realization hits.

I'm kissing a girl. A girl that my brother loves. A girl that my best friend has wanted to date for months now. Me kissing April is not only putting them in pain, but also April. If I can't figure out how to get rid of demons; if they kill me before I find the antidote; then April will be devastated. I can't put her through that. I can't put anyone through that.

I pull away from April. The grin on her wonderous face melts as she sees the sad expression on my face. "What.. What's wrong?" She asks.

I shake my head, angry at myself for getting into this situation. "I can't be with you, April." April's expression to my words is furious. "What the he'll, Raphael! You can't just make out with a girl and then tell them you can't be with them! That isn't how things work!" April shouts at me.

"Look, April, you don't understand. I'm a threat to you. I'm protecting you by not being with you." April rolls her eyes in anger. "Whatever you say, Batman." She says sarcastically as she walks out of the room.

And once again, I'm left alone. To marvel at my hideous mistakes.

...

_Feel your every heartbeat_

_Feel you on these empty nights_

_Calm the ache, stop the shakes_

_You clear my mind_

_You're my escape_

_From this messed up place_

_'Cause you let me forget_

_You numb my pain_

...


	8. Would it Matter

**Thank you so much for the amazing reviews! I loved reading them, they made me really happy. :) If you guys enjoy this story, then you may like Broken by Pistachio Lover. Pistachio Lover is by far my favorite author and her story Broken is amazing. It's very smililar to this story, so please, check it out! Anyway, enjoy and please leave a review.**

8

I follow my brothers as they leap from roof to roof, patrolling their crime filled city. Casey and April are back at the lair, preparing a movie night for when the turtles get back.

I don't like the idea of a movie night. I doesn't like the idea of being surrounded by the people I love, but don't love me back. Except for April, she seems to like me back. But not in a friendly way, a romantic way. Yet another reason why I will not be participating in the movie night.

I stop moving when I hear someone behind me. My brothers continue moving, still looking for any signs of the Kraang or Foot or Purple Dragons. They don't seem to realize that I've already found the Foot. Or, _a_ Foot, for this matter.

"Karai." I say through gritted teeth.

"Raphael." Karai says with a mischievous smirk plastered on her face. She walks forward, stopping three or four feet away from me. "You're trailing behind. Your brothers are already gone."

I shake my head. "They'll realize I'm not with 'em soon enough. If they care then they'll come find me." _If_.

Karai raises an eyebrow at me, her red mascara growing at the slight movement. "If? Are you not a part of their team anymore?" I roll my eyes. "It's complicated. Why do you care anyways? You want me dead, my complications shouldn't matter to you." I say as I point a Sai at her rather than a finger.

Karai looks around at the setting around us. I shift my weight from foot to foot, growing impatient of waiting for an answer. Just as I was ready to turn around and leave, Karai's eyes meet mine. "Because it's best to keep your enemies close." Karai's Japanese voice is calm and steady, a flat line. There are no bumps or ridges, just straight, perfectly coordinated words. "If I truly want to destroy you, then I must first learn who you truly are, how your mind thinks. That way I can hit you where you're most vulnerable."

I smirk. "You're kiddin', right? You really think I'm gonna tell you any of my secrets after that? You've gotta be kiddin' me."

Honestly, this whole situation is pathetic. I should be catching up with my brothers, finish patrol and go home and lock myself in my bedroom, get wasted. I should be cutting right now! Patrol would be ending and second now, I could be heading home. But, in not. I don't know why I'm still here, talking to the Shredders daughter. Wait..no. She isn't the Shredders daughter. She's Splinters daughter...

"What if we exchanged secrets? That way we're even." Karai suggests.

Ugh! Why does she wanna talk to me so damn bad? Ya know what, fine. She wants a secret, I'll give her a secret.

"Fine, I'll tell ya a secret." I say as I slide my twin Sai into my belt. "I'll tell ya a secret about your true origins." I say. Gah! I sound like nerd right now. Actually, I sound like Don.

Karai chuckles. "You're gonna tell me about _my_ true origins? This should be good."

I glare at Karai and straiten my posture. _Story tellin' time_. "Do you remember when the Kraang invaded a couple months ago? And me and my brothers took down the Technodrome? And my father came to you and your feathers hide out and you guys tried to kill him?" Karai nods slowly, already confused as to where this is headed. "Just before you showed up in the throne room at your lair, your father and my father had a... _Talk_. Saki confessed that sixteen and a half years ago, he had murdered your mother, Tang Shen, and stolen you from your real father. Hamato Yoshi." I explain further.

Karai's eyes widen and she stumbles backwards. Her face reads disbelief and she looks like she's about to faint. Honestly, I wouldn't blame 'er. I'd probably do the same if I were in her position. "You're lying! The Shredder is my true father, and you know it! You're just trying to get me to lay down the line and surrender, to join your side.

"Well, ya I want you on my side. Listen, my father has been in a state of depression ever since he found out you were his real daughter. You may not believe it, I didn't at first, eitha'. But it's true." I lay down the law. That's it. She's my adoptive sister and that's final.

"Why hasn't the Shredder told me this, then? If it's so true, why haven't I been told?"

I grin at the kunochi. "Because, you're his weapon. He knows that the more you hurt us, the closer he'll get to my father." Karai takes a second to process this new information. She stares down at her feet, jaw open slightly. Her shallow breathing is the only sound other than my racing heart. Budump, budump, budump.

I wait for a response from my big sister. I wait for a sign of friendship. I wait for a sign of vulnerability.

If Karai weren't my sister, I'd take this moment to kill her. I'd slit her throat, and then my own. But I can't and I won't. It's bad enough that my fathers grieving over being separated from his daughter, I don't need her dead. That'd make it worse. But.. If I were to die... He probably wouldn't care. No one would care.

I shake the thoughts away. Now isn't the time to think about that. Right now I need to figure out a way to reunite Karai and my father. That way they can both be happy. Then, and only then, will I reflect on the hate I carry on my shoulders. Only then will I consider death.

"So, do ya believe me or not?" I demand impatiently. I'm itchin' for a drink, itchin' for a cut, itchin' for alone time, itchin' for my room. The sooner I get there the better.

"I-I don't know. I mean... It all makes sense. The reason my father always nagged on about Hamato Yoshi..the reason I never had a mother. And how he never treated my like daughter, but instead a henchmen." Karai looks up. Amber eyes filled with sorrow meet my emerald ones filled with pain and years of anger. Together they reflect what life truly is. Sadness. A never ending pool of sadness. "You aren't lying? Are you?"

I shake my head. "I ain't lyin'." I confirm.

Karai collapses onto her knees, holding her head in her hands, her elbows resting on her knees. "Why? Why does my life have to be filled with so much pain!?" Karai screams into the night air. I walk over to her and sit down next to her with my legs arched in front of me. I wrap my arms around Karai's tall, thin frame, holding onto her. "I don't know. I don't know, Karai."

_Later_

I hold onto a small purse of Karai's that holds makeup inside of it. Another bag of hers has been swung over my right shoulder, and Karai carries her other two bags.

After comforting her on the rooftop, we agreed to sneak into her old room and take what she needed to her new home.

The walk to the lair is silent and comforting. I glance over at Karai every few seconds, just to be sure that she's okay. I know that she will be, she's a tough girl. Though, I can tell that at the moment she isn't. She's broken and needs fixing. Like me. Only difference between us two is that her father will be able mend her. I'm not mendable.

As soon as I step foot into the entrance of the lair, Leonardo is practically on top of me, yelling about how I "wandered" off during patrol. About how he's been "worried sick."

I roll my eyes. This is fuckin' bullshit! I just brought our thought-to-be-dead adoptive sister home and he doesn't even realize it. Michelangelo is the one to notice.

"Leo..." He says, trailing off. Leonardo looks over and notices Karai, who is standing with her left leg in front of the other and her arms behind her back. Her bags are laying on the floor.

"Karai." Disbelief floods Leonardo's voice. I drop Karai's bags next to her and head to the dojo to find Master Splinter.

When I enter the dojo, there he is. Standing in front of the dresser he uses to keep the pictures of his family on. He smiles as he studied the picture of Shen holding baby Miwa. Or Karai. I really do not know what to call her anymore.

"Sensei, someone's here. They wanted to meet with you." I say.

My father turns around to face me, giving me a curious look. He strides towards my spot in the doorway and follows me out to the main room. "Miwa?" He rushes over to his daughter, embracing her in a hug. "Father." She whispers against his robe.

Donatello has left his lab, and Casey and April walk out of the kitchen. Soon, everyone is in the same room. Smiles and loud voices fill the open air, and I suddenly feel crowded. Alone. Pressured. _I have to get outta here_.

I walk to my room with stealth. No one notices me, or so I think. When I reach my room, I am met by Leo. He shoves me into my room and slams the door behind him. "The hell was that for?!" I demand angrily. I've had enough bullshit for one night, thank you very much! I don't need fearless naggin' on me as well.

"How did you get Karai? How did you convince her and how did you tell her?" Leonardo questions me in a whisper.

Ya know what, if Leo thinks he can just literally shove me into my room and expect me to answer his questions, then he's got another thing comein'. "Well, first, I opened my mouth. Then, I told her who her real family is. Next, I helped her pack her bags. After that, I brought her here." I say sarcastically.

Leonardo glares at me and I chuckle. "You know what, I don't have the time for this. We're watching Mortdecai, care to join us?"

I laugh again. "Hell no!" I respond.

Leonardo frowns. "Splinter and Karai are watching it too. You'll be the only one not watching it."

"I don't really care." I say with a shrug.

"Come on, Raph! You never do anything with us anymore." Leo whines. I clench my shaking hands in fists, trying to stop myself from shaking.

"No, Leo. Just...leave." Leonardo stomps out of my room, once again slamming the door shut.

I'm alone again.

_Ah. It feels so nice. _

I walk over to my hammock and lay down, thinking back to my thoughts from earlier tonight.

What if I did kill myself? How would I do it? Probably with a knife to the throat, or jumping off of a highrise. We have a lot of those in Manhatten, we really do.

Would anyone notice if I jumped? If I made the leap? Would it matter to them or would they not even care? I doubt it. I seriously do.

What am I to them? I'm a hold back. I'm a pest. I'm a bully. I'm a waste of time.

What am I to myself? Worthless. Horrible. Suicidal. Depressed. A cutter. Angry.

Should I just end it all?

Yes.

When?

Soon.

How?

Leap.

Could I just fix myself, be better?

No.

Does anyone love me?

No.

Should I kill myself?

Yes

...

_What if I just pulled myself together_

_Would it matter at all_

_What if I just try not to remember_

_Would it matter at all_

_All the chances that have passed me by_

_Would it matter if I gave it one more try _

_Would it matter at all_

_If I wasn't here tomorrow_

_Would anybody care_

_Still stuck inside this sorrow_

_I've got nothing and going nowhere _

_I know I'm a mess and I wanna be_ _someone_

_Someone that I like better_

_I can never forget _

_So don't remind me of it forever_

...


	9. Dead Inside

**Thanks for the amazing reviews, everyone! I really appreciate them. I especially enjoyed the review I received from Andraia452. I listened to the song Bleed Like Me by Garbage and I agree with you %100 that the song fits perfectly with this story. Anyway, enjoy the chapter and please please please review!**

**Leo POV **

Three days. It's been three days since Raphael last came out of his room. Three days since I've seen him last. Three days since anyone has seen him. Three days since Karai arrived. Three days, three days, three days.

I wonder what he's doing in there. Not eating, that's for sure. Not staying hydrated, that's for sure. Why, though? Beats me. All I know is that my brother has locked himself in his bedroom and refuses an food given. Each day it gets worse.

No one thought anything of it during the first twelve hours. But after 24, we began to worry. It had been nearly 27 hours since his last meal that anyone knew of. Karai had slept in the main room her first night here and claimed to have never heard Raphael leave his room.

Just before we had eaten dinner, I walked up to my brothers room. I remember being worried as heck as I knocked on the door.

"Raph, we're about to eat. Wanna come out?" I asked nicely at first. I looked down the quiet halls around me. No response came from inside the room. I sighed and knocked again. "Raph, I know you're in there. You haven't eaten even the smallest bite in over 24 hours. You need to come out." I ordered. Full leader mode, I had been in. Though, that's probably why he hadn't come out in the first place.

"Oh no, I haven't eaten in a whole day!" Raphael said sarcastically. I heard him take a big gulp of something before adding more words to his response. "I ain't comin' out, so don't waste your breath." I walked away, shaking from fear. He has an alcohol stash in there somewhere, he has to. That's obviously what he was drinking.

I ate dinner in silence, only telling my family that Raphael was tired and decided to take a nap before coming out. I felt guilty for telling such a lie.

After dinner, Donatello tried getting our beloved brother to eat. Or at least come out of his room. Donnie said that nothing had worked, the only response he got was Raphael slamming against the door, attempting to get Don to leave him be. He left after that.

Three hours after I tempted fate, two and a half after Don, Mikey finally decided it was his turn to pay Raphael a visit.

He said that there was no response coming from the other side. Though, he did recall hearing the faint noise of sniffling and sobbing. Whatever is going on in my brothers room is dangerous; that's the one thing I do know.

Day two was quite fun; note my sarcasm. Donnie managed to pic the lock on Raphael's door, but it was no use. We got the door unlocked, but the door would only open about an inch. Raphael had somehow chained the door so it wouldn't open. Well, he succeeded.

I've talked to Splinter about our 'situation' and he said Raphael just needs a little time alone and that we should respect that. I don't think he realizes just how dangerous of a situation this is, though. Our brother is practically dying, and he's telling us to just sit around and watch? Sorry father, but that's one order I can't follow.

Then there's today. We're all practically dying from anxiety. Karai suggested she try to talk to our brother, but I wouldn't let her. I knew that if Raph wouldn't leave his room at his own brothers pleas, then he most certainly wouldn't even consider Karai's.

Needless to say, the past three days have been full of worry and fear. And the worst is yet to come.

**Raph POV**

It's been nearly four days; I think. I haven't left my room since I came home with Karai. I've decided that it's my time; to die. I'm killing myself slowly, because I know that I don't deserve a fast, slick death. With all of the sins I have made, this will make up for them all.

My "family" keeps trying to get me to leave my room. Leave my ass! I don't need them assholes playing some stupid act, begging my to come out and play. I ain't gonna let them lie to me, I know that the only reason they're begging me to come out is because Splinter's makin' 'em.

I look around at the room around me. I'm laying in my hammock bed, with a can of beer in my hand. My room is cluttered with empty cans and bottles. I drank my strongest bottles first; Smirnoff. I had about five bottles, all different flavors. I've basically been wasted since I stepped foot in my room Friday night. Today is Tuesday, and it's around 2:30. I'm starving, which is to be expected considering how I haven't eaten anything in over 3 and a half days.

My stomach growls and a part of me considers going out to the kitchen to get something to eat. Even the smallest slice of pizza...

_Shut up, Raphael! You're going to stay in your room and you are not going to eat. Do it for family! They're probably just counting down the minutes till your death. Why wouldn't they be? You mean nothing to them; and you know it. Maybe you should just slit your throat now! Get it the fuck over with. You'll be doing ever one a favor; including yourself. _

No. They love me. I know they do! I'm their brother, their friend, their team mate. Of course they love me.

...Right?

I don't know. I just...huh. I need to clear my head. Get this alcohol out of system. Get something else in me. Like, food? Ya, food. I'll go get some, and then I'll go topside for a good run. Day time or not, I don't care. I just need fresh air. And food. Oh, food sounds so good.

I stand up and walk towards my door. I take my key out of my belt and unlock the chains as quietly as possible. Unfortunately, I couldn't be quiet if my life depended on it.

As soon as I'm out I'm immediately crowded. Leonardo, Michelangelo, Donatello and Karai are all shooting at me all at once.

"Do you know how worried we were?! It's been four days! FOUR DAYS!" Leonardo shouts the loudest.

"Raph, why didn't you answer us? We've been so worried!" Michelangelo's soft voice is loud and demanding.

"Raphael, I don't know what the hell is going on but you had us worried sick!" Karai shouts in a threateningly angry tone.

"You are coming with me to my lab. Now!" Donatello is the firmest, for sure. He grabs me by the wrist and practically drags me to his lab.

My brother shoves me through the doors and slams them shut, not letting anyone in with us. Don orders me to sit on the hospital bed he has set up across the room. I, for some strange reason, obey and sit down on hard bed.

Across the large room, Donatello sits at his computer, typing who knows what. I watch as he pulls a notepad and pen out of the bottom drawer of his desk, then walks towards me. I look in the opposite direction, pretending I hadn't been watching him.

"Raph, do you know how incredibly dangerous the act you just made was?" Donatello asks me as he pulls over a chair and it's in front of me. I turn my head in his direction and set my hands down on the bed; right next to my legs, palms down.

"Ya, so?" I say bluntly.

"So, you could've died from many things! Dehydration, starvation..."

I drown Donnie out and begin it fiddle with the torn up hems of my white bandages that are guarding my biggest secrets of all. Well, second biggest. My biggest secret would have to be my desire to commit suicide. My second would be the cuts. My third would be-

"Raph, why are you toying with your bandages?" My head jerks up at Donatello's confused voice.

"What? Nothing. I'm fine. I'm just hungry." I saw quickly, my words barely understandable. Donatello gives me a slightly freaked out slightly concerned face before writing something down on his notepad and muttering, "Okay then.."

I sit on my hands, not trusting them any longer. Donatello looks me up and down, taking notes in the process. I sneak a look at what he written down.

_-Unusually pale skin_

_-Thin structure_

_-Agitated_

_-Dead look in eyes_

_-Bags under eyes_

_-Swaying slightly_

Donnie caps his pen looks up at me. "Ok, I'm going to need to check your pulse. The best place to do this is on your wrists, so can you please remove your bandages?" My brother asks me. I glare at him, not earning the initial response I was hoping for. Donatello merely stares at me with a straight face.

"You're a mechanic, not a doctor. I don't have to listen to you." I say stubbornly, folding my arms across my plastron.

"I'm also your brother, so untie your bandages or I'll get Leonardo!" What a threat. Well, it worked.

I solemnly untie my bandages, and my little brothers face holds nothing other than fear. "Raph..."

**_..._**

_Dead inside  
No other satisfies  
My blood runs dry  
Take my life  
Save me from this death inside_

_..._

**TBC (Obviously)**


	10. Lost Cause

**Thanks for all of the wonderful reviews, everyone! I love reading them, literally my favorite activity! XD Anyway, I stole an idea from Pistachiolover, under her blessing, of course. Haha, anyway enjoy and review! If we get ten or more reviews I'll make the next to chapter 5,000 words... Enjoy and Review!**

10

"Raph... How on earth did you get these?" Donatello asks in total disbelief. I flinch as my brothers large fingers trail across my cuts and bruises. Can he not touch them? I like to keep a distant between my cuts and family, thank you very much.

I try to pull my arm away and succeed. I look at my arm for a second, and realize that it looks damp. Like, water was smeared on it. Blue water, it looks like. I shake the thought away and begin to wrap my arm back up, eager to hide my precious secrets from the rest of the world.

"An evil donkey comes into my room every night and cuts my wrists." I say sarcastically. Don gives me a look of annoyance and I roll my eyes. "I obviously cut myself. Surprised you didn't already know, bein' the genius that you are." I say bluntly.

"Ya, well I guess I've just been so caught up in the Kraang and foot that I haven't had time to look." Donatello excuses with a shrug. So, it ain't that important! Clearly not if Don didn't notice. This obviously just meaningless and stupid, somethin' no one should worry about.

Don walks over to his computer and types some most likely useless shit in. He shakes his head slightly, muttering words under his breath by the looks of it. He looks confused and puzzled.

"Good, can I go eat now?" I ask. My stomach growls, right on qui. Donatello shakes his head a little stronger and walks back over to me. "No, I still need to run some alcohol tests, just to be sure there's none left in your system." My brother grabs a small thermometer like tool and turns it on. He stares up at me as he waits for it to load up.

"So, tell me, Raphael, what drove you to cut yourself?" Donnie asks me curiously.

Something odd happens as his words slip away from his light olive green lips. For some reason...I feel safe. I feel the need to be honest and to open up to Donnie. But..why, is my only question.

"I guess I just needed a way to deal with all of the stress; keep the pain at bay. Cutting came easily for me." I explain slightly with a faint shrug. Donnie nods and looks back down at the tool in his hand.

"Alright, open up." I open my mouth in obedience; another thing that doesn't usually come so easily for me. Why am I going against myself? _It's because you're so hungry, you just wanna get to a slice of pizza as soon as you can_. Ya, ya that's gotta be it.

Donatello injects the thermometer into my mouth and instructs me to bite down. I do.

"Many teens turn to cutting in times of stress and anxiety. Most are in a state of depression, which leads to self harm, and eventually suicide; for most, anyway. Are you depressed? Have you had any suicide thoughts with him the past year?" Donatello pulls the thermometer thing outta my mouth and takes it over to his computer. I go to stand up, but Donnie motions for me to sit back down. I obey;...again.

"Yes, I'm in a state of depression. And yes, I've had many suicide thoughts. Especially during the past week." I admit shamefully. Donatello looks over at me from across the room with his chocolate eyes full of sympathy. I look away.

"Okay, so you've considered killing yourself. What would your method be?" Why the hell does he needa' know that? I'm gonna do it, whetha' he knows or not.

"Either by slitting my throat, hanging myself from the rails in the lair, or jumping off of a high rise." Better question, why am I confessing this shit?! I ain't even plannin' the words, they're just finding their way outta my damn mouth. Maybe I should sew 'em together like they do in the movies.

"Alright, well thank you for telling me that. 80% of teens who cut themselves end up commuting suicide, and we don't want that to happen to you. So, is there anything we could do to prevent you from doing this?" Well, that question was just plain useless. Hell no!

"Yes." Shit, the hell is going on here? It's like I'm on some sorta drug that's forcin' me ta be honest.

Oh, wait...

"And what is it that we can do?"

_Don't be honest, don't be honest, don't be honest, don't be honest... _

"Help me be happier." God, I sound like a fucking four year old girl! Would you like a side of rainbows with your happiness?

"How can we do that?"

"By getting damn asses outta my business." I stand up and walk towards the door. I turn around before leaving to say, "Oh, and don't bother druggin' me, eitha'."

I stomp to the kitchen, Don chasing after me. Uh, this stupid cat and mouse game! They try to catch me, but if they eva' sad Tom and Jerry they'd know it's useless. The cat may be desperate for food, but the rat is desperate for life.

I open the fridge and take out two slices of pizza. I shove 'em on to a paper plate and into the microwave. I punch in a sequence of digits and press "start" before turning back to the fridge to grab a drink. Pepsi, Faygo, Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper... I grab a Dr. Pepper and Mountain Dew, feeling as if I need to drinks for so reason. As I look back at the microwave, I see that I still have another 45 seconds of waiting, so I leave my pop cans on the cluttered counter and run to the bathroom for a quick pee. When I return to the kitchen my food is done, so I grab that and my drinks and start towards my room.

As I pass by the entrance, I see April and my brothers, all crowded around something. I take a few steps forward and the object becomes clear; a kitten. The baby cat is mostly white with some black spots. It's tail is completely black with a small white streak, it's back has a giant black spot as well, making it look as if it's wearing a saddle. It's right ear and eye is black. It's eyes are a blue-gray color, and it looks up at me with a tired expression. I scowl at the creature.

April notices me and rushes forward. I bite the right side of my lower lip. "We should talk." We both speak the same words at the same time. April giggles and I smirk as we head to my room. I hand a can of soda to April as I shut my bedroom door.

I sit on my desk chair, the chair backwards. April sits in my hammock bed and we both watch each other for the longest time. Finally, April speaks up.

"I'm sorry for what happened the other night. I just got a little carried away and-" I cut April off.

"Don't be sorry, you did nothing wrong. I kissed you back and I will admit; I enjoyed it completely." My tone turns more serious and I know that my eyes must be hard as stone, cold as ice, as I say these next words. "I'm the one who screwed up. I kissed you and made it seem like I was interesting, and then turned you down. That was bitch-like. Truth is, I like you too April. And the reason I turned you away was because of what I am. I don't want to hurt you."

April looks at me with eyes full of unsurity and sympathy. She bites her lip and toys with her fingers. Her face proves that is torn between a cluster of feelings, not knowing which way to lean towards. "What is it about you that would hurt me so much?"

Honesty. Honesty. Honesty.

Truth. Truth. Truth.

The damn drugs Don put me on is forcing me to live undercover those two words; truth and honesty. So, I start with a couple questions. "Do you remember when your arm was cut open during a battle with the Kraang?"

April nods immediately. "Yeah, totally. It hurt so bad." Well, I knew that! She was crying a waterfall for cryin' out loud!

"Right, and what did you do to forget about the pain?" I ask further questions. April gives me a look over pure confusion as she answers. "I meditated."

"Why?"

"Because it removed stress and I forgot the pain. What's with all of these questions? Can you just answer my question already?" April asks in a demanding voice.

I nod slightly, mostly to myself, standing up as I rip my bandages off of my wrists. I rip them clean off; I'll need more later.

My cuts are now visual and April is standing in front of me, grazing them lightly with the tips of her fingers. A trend, I have noticed, is that everyone touches my cuts when they first see them. I guess it's just instinct; I did the same thing with my first few cuts, ran of fingers across the bumps and swells.

"Raph, I hope you know that you cutting yourself doesn't make me like you any less." April laces our fingers together and looks up at me with eyes of passion and hope. I smirk down at her, my little ball of sunshine. My light, my hope. She likes me, even though she's seen my scars. What does that mean? Should I like her back. Wait..I already do. Don't I? Ugh! I don't know! This stupid honesty drug is gettin' to my brain!

"You mean it?" What kinda question was that? She ain't gonna lie, this is April O'Neil we're talkin' about!

"Of course. And, I still wanna be in a relationship with." April pauses, looking down at our hands. A smile spears on her face of freckles, and she looks back up at me. "But it's up to you."

"April, of course I wanna be in a relationship with you. It's just.. What if my cutting continues? Don said that 80% of teens who cut themselves die from suicide, and I don't want you to have to suffer when that happens to me."

"It won't happen to you." April shakes her head it total denial.

"Yes, April, it will. And when it does, you are going to be so damn upset. It'd just be better if we weren't in a relationship, that way you aren't losing so much." My tone is desperate. April cannot, CANNOT like me! We can't be in a relationship, it's just too damn risky!

"Raphael Hamato! I do not care! I like you and I want to be in a relationship with you!" April's sudden raise in voice startles me and I let go of her hands. "I can help you, I can help you get through this. You'll be okay. Just lighten up a bit and have some fun." April advises. Lighten up... Have some fun...

"I guess you're right. Maybe." I heave an exaggerated sigh. "I just feel like I'm on this hole, a hole dug so deep that I can't even see the sun anymore. And I can't get out."

"Well, I'll be your ladder."

I wrap my arms around April's waist and lean down to press a kiss to her lips. April smirks against my rough, large mouth on hers, knowing that she has won this argument. I place on of my arms behind her back and the other on her thighs, lifting her up bridal-style.

April giggles, pulling away from my face, just a small bit though. April's soft blue eyes smile at my hard-as-stone green ones. A smile appears on my face. _Shit, have I missed this_. The feeling of being wanted. Happy. Loved. Enjoyed. I've missed it. And I'll cherish it.

No drinking for me tonight.

Or cutting.

Or suicidal thoughts.

Only smiling.

And laughing.

And being happy.

_3 hours later_

The drugs wore off about an hour ago, April left 20 minutes ago; leaving the kitten behind. Apparently she brought it for us to keep, lucky us.

I'm pacing back and worth in my room, muttering things under my breath. My family is out in the living room, I can hear 'em talkin' about that damn fluff ball cat, debatin' names, that's what their doin'. I should just stomp out there and demand a reason for druggin' me. Those little assholes, they had it planned. Must've.

"Hey, where's Raph? He's not starving himself again, is he?" Michelangelo's muffled voice questions from outside my door and down the stairs.

"I don't know, and I don't care. He's so stubborn. He can do whatever the shell he wants, not like I care." Leonardo's bitter tone replies dully.

_That's it! I'm goin' out there! _

I stomp outta my room and slam the door shut. I walk casually yet angrily into the main room, sitting down on my bean bag. My "family" goes silent the second I step foot out of my room, the only sound is the peaceful purrs coming from the annoying cat on Mike's lap. I already wanna slaughter it.

"So, care to tell me why the hell you all drugged me?" I ask with a fake friendly grin on my face. I pretend to be happy, but I'm honestly feelin' pretty sadistic right now.

"Not if you don't stop swearing." Leonardo lets out a sigh and rubs his fingers in circular motions on his forehead; something he does when he's trying to not explode. "We've been over this, Raphael. It's 'Shell' not 'Hell'."

"Ya, and I don't give a fuck. I ain't gonna stop cussin' till someone gives me some answers." I'm standing now, pointing a finger at my older brother. Boy do I wish I could just rip his throat out!

"Fine, Raph. Donnie, will you explain what happened?" Leonardo asks in a tired tone. Donatello nods and stands up from his seat on the bench next to Karai.

"You see, Leo informed me of your current state and asked me to look into the situation. So I started with learning about the subject and then decided to set a plan into action. I borrowed some Jasmine Tea from Master Splinter and just rubbed some onto your cuts, allowing the 'drug' into your system; causing you to be honest and truthful. I then asked you a series of questions, which didn't get very far considering the fact that you realized what exactly was going on. I admire your wits in the situation." Donatello adds a compliment at the end, almost like he's tryin' to lighten the mood. Heh, nice try little bro.

"Ya, well, thanks for the compliment." I say sarcastically with a scowl on my face. "It still doesn't excuse you're behavior." I say bitterly.

"Raph, we're just concerned about you! Don't take it so offensively." Leonardo shouts at me. I stalk forward, coming nose to nose with him; literally. We both snarl like wolves before a battle. Our eyes clash like our blades in a spar, and our fists clench. _Don't waste your time, Raph, he ain't worth it. _

I shove Leonardo away from me and stomp off to my bike, making sure the gas blows in my family's faces.

...

_And if there's one thing that I could say_

_"we're better of , so much better off this_ _way._

_And I can't believe, no I can't believe_ _that this came true._

_I waited my whole life to find you."_

_Maybe I'm a lost cause,_

_But I can tell you're the safe bet that I'm counting on._

And it could be that it's all talk,

But I'm holding my breath hoping that it's not.

_I'm holding my breath, yeah I'm holding on._

...


	11. Breathe Me

**Thank you for the amazing reviews! Enjoy and review please. **

11

I came out of my room for dinner, and let me say. Biggest. Mistake. Of. My. Fucking. Life. The second I sat down at the table it was all eyes on Raph. I'm on my third fucking plate and the little bastards have barely eaten three bites! Three bites! Even Mikey's plate is perfectly untouched. Like, this is Mikey we're taking about. What are we eating? Pizza Gyoza, Murakami San's famous dish, created especially for us. It's a family favorite, eaten almost as much as pizza. And I'm the only one eating it. One out of 5 hungry teens. Even Karai is staring at me with big, owl like eyes.

I look around the table, glaring daggers at each of my bitch-like siblings. I should stab 'em, they sure as hell deserve it. "What is this, let's-all-creep-out-Raphael-by-staring-at-him-for-30-minutes-strait or dinner?" I demand with a growl in my throat. Everyone's eyes dart down to their food and, in coordination, all take a bite at the same time. "Thank, fucking, God." I say as I finish up my last potsticker.

I stand up and walk my plate over to the sink. I put it down and sit on the counter, leaning my head back against the cupboard. I close my eyes and heave a sigh of relaxation. My eyes closed, me sitting, leaning my head against the cupboards, I almost feel peaceful. The only thing that screws up my peaceful state are the damn eyes I can feel staring into my skull.

"What the hell do ya want now?" I ask without opening my eyes.

"Nothing, I'm just making sure you're okay." I open my eyes and give Leonardo a you're-pathetic look.

"Ya, well I ain't gettin' my freakin' head cut off so you can just eat your fuckin' dinner and quit worryin' about me!" I snap. Leonardo stands up, shoving his chair away. He slams his fist down on the table and scowls at me.

"SHELL, RAPH! YOU WERE IN YOUR ROOM FOR 4 STRAIGHT DAYS WITHOUT ANY FOOD OR WATER! WE JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU'RE OKAY!" The outburst is startling and unexpected. It makes me wanna go slap him, punch him, kick him, maybe even stab him.

It makes me wanna cut, or take a sip of some vodka.

No, I can't do that. I'm with April now. And she believes that I can change for the better, not the worse. So if giving up all that bullshit that I've adapted to makes me worth her while, then consider it gone.

I hop off of the counter and stalk forward towards Leonardo. He meets me half way and we stand, nose to nose, snarling at each other.

"I ain't three! I can take care of myself perfectly fine. Health and all!" I growl angrily.

"No, Raph. You can't take care of yourself and you know it! You need our help, you're just too caught up on your damn high horse to admit it!" Leonardo challenges me. I chuckle at his curse word, so often he so reluctant to speak them that the rare occasion where he does curse everyone is shocked and knows that Leo is angry. _This should be fun. _

"I can take care of myself 100%. I'm in complete control over my body, obviously. Just eat your damn food and fucking shut the hell up." I shake my head and turn my back to Leo and everyone else as I grab a coke out of the fridge.

"Raph, calm down. Stop swearing, and be nice." Leonardo orders. I laugh, he thinks he can just order me around like his little soldier. No, not here. Not at home. Maybe on the battlefield, maybe in the dojo, but not here. I ain't takin' no orders.

I turn around to face him. A grin appears on my face as I whisper, "Make me."

"Fine. Donnie, after we get back from patrol I need you to do a few check ups on Raph, just to make sure he's okay. Go over the questions from the list I gave you, write down his responses. For the next week we're all going to take turns keeping a watchful eye on Raph." Leonardo instructs the others.

I roll my eyes. Does he seriously think that that bullshit is gonna stop my mild behavior? Bitch. "I ain't gettin' any check ups after patrol. After patrol I am going to sleep and we can do the damn check ups tomorrow afternoon."

Leonardo gives me a stern look. He studies my face carefully and reads my eyes like a book. "One last thing, Raphael. You aren't allowed on any patrols of missions until you are 100% better. That means no drinking, cutting, outbursts, or running off." I stare, gaping at Leonardo as if I just watched his head get chewed off by a dragon. How..what..why?! "Come on, guys, we better head out."

Everyone stands up and goes to retrieve their weapons. Michelangelo and Leonardo linger in the kitchen. Mikey holds up the kitten that April brought over and stares at it with a confused look. "Leo, what should we do with the kitty while we're on patrol."

"Raph can watch him. At least he'll be useful for something." Leonardo brushes past me as he leaves the kitchen. I glare at his back as he walks out.

Mikey walks forward and puts the kitten in my arms. "He doesn't have a name yet, and it looks like you'll spend the most time with him, so you can come up with the name." And with that, I'm alone with the God forsaken cat.

It's been a half hour and the cat is nuzzled up on the counter in front of me, purring softly. The quiet sound of vibration coming from the cat is a bit unsettling and strange. I glare at it as I scroll through a list titled "50 Ways to Kill a House Cat" on the Internet. Pretty morbid, I guess, but I don't need this fur ball wasting my damn time. I have better things to do, like find a way to get out of this petty punishment. There's no way I can just stop cutting, if only Leo knew. Hmpf.

I close my tab and erase my history, no way I need anyone seeing the shit I was just lookin' at. I set my phone down and look up at the sleeping kitten. "Well, I guess that if I'm going to be stuck with you, you might as well have a name." I shrug and reach forward to pick up the fragile pet. The kitten wakes up and looks at me with its blue-grey eyes full of life and happiness. It gives me a bit of a scared look, probably startled by my emerald green eyes filled with suicide and hatred towards everything my eyes lay on. But the kitten soon relaxes and falls back asleep in my arms. I pet it..for some reason.

"Hm, what should we name you?" As if it's gonna answer; what am I, crazy?! "Something fierce, strong and threatening. I mean, you technically are my cat, if I'm the one watching over you and stuff. So let's name you after something I like." I start gazing around the kitchen, trying to come up with some cool ideas. "Well, my favorite superhero is batman. So how about Dark Knight? No..doesn't suit ya. How about Sai? Nah. Wait! Sai is Japanese for Rhino, so how about we name you Rhino?" In response, the kitten purrs. Rhino, it has a nice ring to it.

"Very nice name choice, my son." My father's voice coming from behind startles me. "Sensei, I didn't hear you come in." I say.

My father chuckles and walks over to sit next to me. I pet Rhino as I wait for me father to speak. "Why aren't you on patrol with your brothers and sister?" Ah, the million dollar question. How shall I answer? With truth or in lie?

Truth.

"Leo said I can't come on any missions or patrols until I'm back on a healthy diet, I stop with my attitude, and I stop cutting." I answer. My father heaves a sigh of exhaustion and I look up at him.

I've never been my father's favorite, it's always been pretty damn obvious. Like, crystal clear obvious. Leonardo has always been his favorite, student and child. Sensei babies Mikey, and respects Donnie. But me? Oh, he takes his anger out on me during four hour lectures and punishments. Sometimes I question if he even considers me a son, but instead just a student. Ya, probably. He's never shown any affection towards me. He's never said that he loves me or that I'm smart or kind or funny. All he says to me is that I need to learn to control my anger, and that I need to be nicer to my brothers. But are they truly my brothers? Or just my classmates?

Classmates.

They don't love me, I don't love them. You take what's given and give what's taken.

But lately..lately Master Splinter has been kinder to me. How? He doesn't lecture me when I do shit, for starters. He yells at Leo more than me. Like, what the hell is up with that?! Another question to stack on top of my never ending pile of questions and concerns. _Stack_.

"I do agree with Leonardo about how you shouldn't go out until your health is up, if you are not strong then you could hurt yourself severely." A growl rises in my throat and I clench fists. Rhino squirms in my tensed up arms. "But he has no right to tell you to stop cutting."

My head jerks up and my eyes widen at the words I just heard. "Sensei, it almost sounds like you want me to cut myself..." I trail off gradually.

"It may sound like that, my son," _Son, pft. _"But I assure that that is not the case. You see, the only way for you to truly heal is to do it on your own, at your own pace. If you are being forced to heal, then you will only temporarily be healed." Wisdom, or bullshit? Option number two, please!

"Ya but..what if I can't heal? Or what if I'm incapable?" Concern floods my scratchy voice. As I speak these words formed into the shape of a question, I think of April. My friend, my girlfriend, I have to change for her.

Sensei sits for a second, pondering, by the looks of it. I begin to worry that there is no answer. That I'm dead meat. Literally. If I can't find a way to stop myself soon..then I'll be dead. Gone. Forever lost of the world. I can't let that happen, for April's sake.

"My son, you are the bravest of all your brothers. You are the strongest of you all, both physically and emotionally. You never let go, you continue to fight. Because when you believe in something, there is no stopping you. I believe in you, that you can put an end to the demons that have nested in your mind. All you have to do is find your weapon." Okay, I'll admit, I'm touched. Those words were surprisingly inspirational. Weapon..love. Love.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Yes, my son."

I struggle with my own question.. How do you approach this? "The other day April told me that she likes me, and we talked about it today. We're dating now. And I'm really happy about it, I like April and she likes me too. But..I still have this pain in my chest every time I think about us together because Donnie likes her as well. I just..I don't know what to do? Should I just tell Donnie and expect him to understand, or should I just let him find out on his own?" I explain and question. Sum up and puzzle.

"Hm..it seems as if you are in a bit of a sticky situation. I think that you should tell your brother about your relationship with April and just hope that he will respect yours and April's choice." Not the answer I was hoping for..but okay? I'll talk to Don. And hope that I make it out alive.

...

Help, I have done it again

I have been here many times before

Hurt myself again today

And the worst part is there's no one else to blame

Be my friend

Hold me, wrap me up

Unfold me

I am small and needy

Warm me up

And breathe me

...


	12. Bleed Like Me

**I only got two reviews for the last chapter :l. Please please please review on this one! I really would appreciate it. Enjoy and review. **

12

I sit on a backwards chair, taping Donnie's desk with my fingers in boredom. My little brother is currently sitting behind his computer, reading something, judging by the look on his face. My phone vibrates on the desk next to my hand and both me and Donnie state at it. I pick up my phone and smile as I see a text from April.

**Hey, Raph! How are ya?**

I reply immediately, might as well enjoy this last bit of freedom before my testimony.

**Hey, April. Pretty good, bored. But that tends to happen when you've been sitting in Don's lab for ten minutes straight. **

Donnie watches me carefully as I text back and forth. He can't see my screen, but he can see my facial expressions. This one reads annoyance.

**Why are you in Donnie's lab?**

"What are you doing?" Donatello asks me cautiously.

"Texting."

"Who?" I don't respond. It's a dumb ass question. The only things I have to answer are what's on the list, and even those I don't have to answer, according to Sensei I can pass on any asked question. Thank god, I'm guessing some of the questions will be pretty harsh.

**Leo wanted him to ask me a couple questions and write down my response. I gtg, I'll text ya when I'm done.**

I shut off my phone and look up at my brother. "So, we gonna start or what?" I ask impatiently.

"Uh..ya." Donnie grabs a notebook and flips to the first page. "K, first question. How long have you been cutting yourself?"

"Er- about a year and a half ago." It takes me a second to answer, I have to think about pretty hard. But a year and a half sounds about right.

"And you haven't ever thought of talking to anyone in all that time?" Donnie's voice proves disbelief and shock. I shake my head. I mean, I guess I've considered going to someone, but who could I go to that isn't going to treat me like a helpless animal? Don jots down what I said and then asks me the next question. "Alright, what drove you to cutting?"

I look at the notebook resting in my brothers hands. I can pass...I can pass this question... "Pass." I whisper.

"No, Raph, if you're going to get better-" I cut my brother off mid sentence. I don't need this, this ain't gonna help. Not one bit.

"No, Don. You aren't askin' these questions ta help me, your' askin' em because that's what Leo told ya ta do." I accuse. Donatello opens his mouth to object, but I speak before him. "Splinta' said I can pass on whatever I want, and I'm gonna pass on all of 'em if you keep writin' down responses." I threaten my brother.

Donnie leans back in his chair and let's out a sigh. We both know how much he wants to ask the questions, but we both also know that he has to tell Leo.

"Fine, I won't write them down."

"And you can't tell anyone, not Leo or Splinter, no one, about what I tell ya." If I'm gonna do this, some rules are gonna need to be set. And if Don ain't willin' to follow the rules then I ain't willin' to waste my time here.

"But Raph-"

"No buts. You told me earlier that this was gonna be like a therapy session, well guess what little bro? Therapists don't share what their patients tell 'em." Donnie heaves a sigh of defeat, and I know that I've won.

"Fine, I won't tell anyone and I won't write down your responses. Just, please don't pass on anything?" Donatello's eyes are pleading and I guarantee that he'll start begin' like a puppy any second now if I don't say yes.

"Alright. Now, what was that last question?" I stand up and turn my chair around so I can lean back.

"What drove you to cutting?" Before I can answer Donnie adds to the question. "I think it would be best if you gave me a thorough explanation. I read that it's easier to heal if you talk about why you do this in the first place." Hm, seems legit.

"Okay..I think that the main reason I cut so much is because of my anger. And the fact that I'm addicted to it." That's probably as thorough as I can get.

"No, but why did you _start_ cutting?" Oh, why did I start? Well that's easy.

I think.

"Well..." Why did I start cutting? Training was getting more intense, Leo became leader and left me behind with his own self. He basically shut me out, making me feel lonely. I was constantly loosing control of my anger...constantly getting punished. But what drove me to cutting? "I-I can't even remember. Wait, I have a journal up in my room. I write in it every time I make a cut, and I explain what the cut represents and why I made it. Do you want me to get it?" Donatello nods his head vigorously and I can see the eagerness his eyes. I let out a slight chuckle and run up to my room.

In my room, I grab my journal off of my desk and I look over at Rhino sleeping in my hammock. Dumb cat, stealing my bed. I sigh, might as well let him sleep there until I turn in for the night, right?

I head back down stairs and take my seat in the lab, across from Don. I flip my notebook open to my first entry. I start to read it out loud.

"December 10, 2013. I just made my first cut, and the bleeding stopped after only about a minute. The cut was shallow, made with the blade from a pencil sharpener. The cut stings and my wrapping make it itchy, but I'll get used to it. The reason I made this cut was because of Sensei and Leo. Leo was announced our leader on our birthday, September 29. It's been nearly 3 months, and already Leo has changed so much. We used to be best buds, always hanging out together in our free time and skate boarding in the depths of the sewers. But we haven't had time for that since Leo became leader. He's too caught up in his training to notice me. I've felt very lonely in the past couple months, though, I'm very good at hiding this.

"Today it was just too much, though. I blew up and injured Mikey very badly during sparring. I said I was sorry, and he accepted my apology. But Splinter and Leo weren't as quick to forgive. Sensei lectured me in front of my brothers, and they teased me all day long. I snapped again, and punched Leo square in the mouth. Father grounded me to my room.

"I've been in here for quite some time now, cold and alone. I tried not to cry, but I became too much to handle. I thought and thought about all of my sins and how horrible of a brother I am. I'm hurting on the inside, and that's making me hurt others on the outside. I decided that it would be best if I got a taste of my own medicine. So I cut myself." I finish reading the entry and I stare at the sketch I made of my wrist, before and after. After every time I cut I draw a sketch of what my wrist looks like now. But I stopped doing the before picture after my fifth cut, because I had forgotten what a clean wrist looks like.

The lab is silent and it's unsettling. I can't take this any longer...I need to cut. I need to drink. I need to forget...again...everything.

"Raph, do you think you could read another?" Donnie asks. There's curiosity in his voice and his eyes urge me to read more. I'll admit, it's kinda nice lookin' back at these. My cuts used to be so small, shallow, innocent. Not deep and scary like they are now a days.

I nod my head in response and flip to another page.

"July 18, 2014. Who does Leo think he is? Flirting with the enemy like that. Saving Karai from falling to her death. It's as if we're allies, which we aren't. And then there's Don, won't stop complaining about Casey flirting with April. Honestly, if he wants her so much why doesn't he just ask her out? That's what I'd do. Not to mention Mikey. God, the kid needs a friend. He won't stop playin' pranks on us and begging for us to play with him. I shouldn't play with him, my cuts make me dangerous.

"Speaking of which, I just cut myself again. Obviously, otherwise I wouldn't be writing in this God forsaken journal. This cut is different than the rest, though. For once, I didn't use a blade from a pencil sharpener. I used my sai.

"I cut pretty deep, and the blood just kept on flowing for a long time. I was worried that I would need stitches, that I'd have to talk to someone. Hopefully it's fine. It better be fine.

"What drove me to this cut? Nothing. I just felt this sudden urge to cut, to watch the blood drain from my wounded wrists. I'm worried that this could be an addiction...though that seems very unlikely. I must just have something buried in the depths of my mind that's been bothering me. Ya, that's it." I finish with the entry and I study the sketch. I have many scars on both wrists in this picture, but most of them are faded and gone.

"Would you mind reading your most recent entry?" I shrug and skip forward towards the end of the composition book. I'm gonna need a new one, I'm sure Donnie will provide me with it.

My eyes scan the page, and I realize that I can't read this entry aloud. "I can't read this one. I'm sorry." I whisper the last sentence, it's barely understandable.

"What? Why?" Because I mentioned April wanting me as her boyfriend in it, that's why! I can't just let it out like this. No, I can't tell Don. I don't care what Splinter said, I can't put my brother through that kind of pain.

"Because I got this weird stain in the center of the page. I can't read around it." Good excuse, now if only Don would take it.

Donnie can tell when someone's lyin', a trait that only me and him were able to develop naturally. Leonardo can some what tell, but only if you give him hints like talking extremely fast or biting your lip or something physical. Sensei can tell, but he said he's had a lot of practice. I'm pretty sure I was his practice.

"Raph, just read it. I won't judge you." Donatello promises.

I bite my lip and debate my options. "Fine, but you can't be mad..." Donnie nods and I start reading.

"June 16, 2015. I've been in my room for four days straight. No food, no water, no way to contact anyone any longer. My phone was only at 50 when I first came in here, and I left my charger out in the kitchen. Well, too late now. Ever since I stepped foot in his room Friday, I knew that's needed to come up with a way to escape this world. I don't belong. Though.._she_ says I do. She says that in beautiful and perfect. And she wants me to be her boyfriend. But I can't. My brother likes her, and it would crush him if I dated her. So, I'm going to turn her down. This cuts to you, April." The entry was short, but powerful enough to bring tears to Donatello's eyes.

"T-that's why she had to talk to you tonight? Wasn't it? Because she likes you, and you like her, don't you? Are you two dating?" I don't respond. I open mouth to speak, but then slowly close it again. No words could make up for what I did. "You are. And you don't care how I feel, do you?"

"No, Donnie, I care! The main reason was so reluctant to saying yes to her in the first place. I tried to tell her that she had to like you, that you're the better option. But even after I showed her my cuts, she still wanted to be with me. S-she wasn't gonna take no as an answer. And...I like her too." I try to explain but my voice is shaky and my fingers are trembling. I must cut..I need to cut...I'm a failure...Donnie hates me now...Leo will scream at me...Mikey will disapprove...Splinter will make me break up with April...I must cut.

"You're so selfish, you know that? You take whatever is thrown at you, not caring about how it's gonna effect anyone but you! I don't care if you cut yourself, go ahead and kill yourself for all I care! You're dead to me." Anger rages in Donnie's eyes. I can't believe those words I just heard. It's as if I've come face to face with the devil himself, not my brother. This is not my brother. It can't be. No, Donnie is strong and passionate and smart enough to hold back those words. But...he likes April. He doesn't want anyone else to have her. And I stole her. I've broken his heart and he will never forgive me.

"Fine, I'll go kill myself. I'll slit my throat and then you can have April all to yourself!" I stand up and shout.

"Good! Go kill yourself! I don't care! Leo won't care! Mikey won't care! Splinter won't care! April won't care! Our lives will be better off with you!" The escaping by brothers mouth stab me in the heart and tears sting my eyes.

I don't even reply, I don't know how I could. I feel hated...I truly know what it feels like to be hated.

* * *

I lean against the wall in the far corner of my room. Tears stream down my face and my bandages are laying on my floor a few feet in front of me. Blood drains quickly from my wrists, which each have two new cuts. The cuts are large, and deep. I feel empty, laying on my cold floor. My phone keeps going off and my door keeps getting knocked on, but I'm too weak to reply. Leo and Mikey are the only ones who've come to the door, and the first time Leonardo came to the door he wanted to know how the therapy thing went, and the second time he came he demanded what was wrong with Donnie. Apparently he's locked in the lab. But I don't care. I didn't do shit, he's the one who told me to slit my throat. Which, I almost did. I had my sai right against my throat, but I couldn't do it. Something stopped me...but I don't know what. It's not my guardian angel, I don't have one. I mean, I can't. If I did I wouldn't feel like this. And it wasn't my subconscious, because I'm pretty sure both me and my conscious know that the better option would be to kill myself. My family hates me and deep down they wish I was dead, so it'd be nice if I did them a favor and killed myself. Save them the extra work.

A sob escapes my mouth as I think about what Donnie said. Everything he said was true, I'm hated. No one likes me..

Rhino perks up at the noise, he's been sleeping ever since I came in here to get my journal earlier. Oh, why'd I get my journal? The black and white kitty hops down from my hammock bed and walks over to me curiously. He sits down in front of me, eyeing my bleeding wrists.

"What? You glad that I do this, too? Cause everyone else is." I shake my head and reach for my Sai sitting next to me. I lift it up and hold it right next to my wrist, ready to cut again. But Rhino stops me. He puts his paw on my hand that's holding the blade. He slowly pushes down on my hand, making me put my Sai back on the ground. Rhino's eyes brighten when the blade is out of my grip, and he head butts my leg and purrs in satisfaction.

An odd act made by a kitten, but memorable. He doesn't want me to cut, it seems like. He wants me to quit, but that can't happen. Why would I stop cutting just because a damn cat forced me to but my blade down.

I shove Rhino away from me, but he comes right back. I do it again, and he comes right back. It's almost as if it's a game, I mean he certainly acts like it is.

I shove Rhino a little harder, and on his way back, he grabs of wrappings and holds them in his mouth. Rhino drops the string in front of me, and I grin a bit. "You wanna play with the string? Let's play." I dangle the bandages in the air and the cat jumps up and at then, attempting to snatch them away from me.

We play for a while, but then I get up and walk out of my room and to the bathroom to wash my cuts. The blood cleans off of me and stains the sink. I leave the water running for a minute so it'll wash away the blood with it.

I dry off my wrists and walk to the dojo for some new wrappings. I was just about to enter, when I saw Leo talking to Splinter in the center of the room, right in front of the tree. I groan and roll my eyes, accepting the fact that I'll just have to wait till tomorrow morning to get new bandages, turning around to head back into my room. "There he is." I hear Leo's voice say and I can hear him coming towards me. I pick up my pace, urging myself to move faster, but my body is too worn out and tired. "Raph, do you mind if me and Master Splinter talk to you for a second?"

I stop, heave a sigh, and turn around. "As long as you fetch my some fresh wrappings." Leonardo nods and I follow him back into the dojo.

Splinter has his small tea table set up, and three cups are already sitting there. I can hear my father in his room, preparing the tea. He always does this when he has something to talk to us about, it's just his way of calming us; or something like that. I sit down and Leonardo joins me seconds later. I mumble a 'thanks' as my brother hands me a new set of wrappings. I start wrapping my left wrist first, but stop when Leonardo grabs my wrist and starts to study my cuts.

"Why are these two so much bigger than the other ones?" He asks, motioning to the owns I just made. I shrug. "I dunno. Just got a little carried away, I guess." _I guess_.

My father walks into the dojo and sits across from me and Leo, pouring tea from the kettle and into each mug. "Good evening, Raphael."

"Good evening, Sensei." I repeat. Both Leo and Splinter lift up their mugs and take a sip, but I can't bring mine to my mouth. My hands shake as I hold the tea in my hands.

"What's wrong?" Leonardo asks, noticing my frozen state. I don't speak, I just look from my father to brother with a questioning look on my face. "It isn't jasmine, if that's what you're wondering." Leo clarifies.

"Oh, thanks." I take a sip and set my tea back down. "So, you wanted to talk to me?"

Leo and my father exchange looks before Leonardo says, "Uh-ya. You see, ever since you left Donnie's lab he's refused to leave or let anyone in. It's been nearly two hours and he won't respond to my texts, we just wanted to know what happened in there."

I sigh. I should tell them, I really should. And I don't have that much of a problem with it, it's not like I did anything wrong. But it's the fact that I'm dating April that's holding me back. Sure, Sensei already knows, but Leo doesn't. And I know that he'll disapprove of the relationship.

"I read Don some entries in my journal, and one of them mentioned me dating April. He got angry and didn't listen to my explanation of what happened between me and April. He called me selfish and said that he doesn't care that I cut myself and that he wants me to kill myself. He said that I'm dead to him, and none of you guys will care if I kill myself. He wants me to slit my throat; he said everyone's lives would be better off if I did that." I close my eyes and hang my head in a sense of failure.

There's a silence that hangs in the air around us, a silence that is most definitely scary. And unsettling.

"My son, Donatello did not mean what he said. Those words were spoken out of anger and sadness; do not let them bother you." Master Splinter instructs. No, no I disagree. This ain't right. Don didn't say that shit just ta bother me, he said it because he was tired of holdin' that all in.

"No, Sensei, you weren't there. Donnie had this look in his eyes, he was tellin' the truth. I know he was." My tone proves persistence, I know what I saw and I recall what I heard.

"Raph, Master Splinter is right. Donatello didn't mean what he said, he was just feeling betrayed." Why do they sound so damn calm? How the hell can you stay calm during this? My hands are shaking and my fingers are tremblin'.

I heave a sigh. Why the hell don't they believe me?! "Sensei, do you remember that lesson you taught us that one day, when we were 8?"

"Which lesson?"

"The one about anger." It doesn't seem to be ringing a bell, so I describe what he had told us. "You were teaching us how to control our anger, that way it doesn't get used against us in the future. When Mike asked what you meant by that, you told us, 'In the time of anger, one speaks truth.' Back then, I didn't understand it. But now I do. And that's what Donnie did. He spoke truth." I fold my arms across my chest and Leonardo gives me a shocked look; probably confused about how I could remember a lesson that was taught nearly a decade ago. That was probably the only lesson I actually enjoyed, because I was the one who got the extra attention out of it.

"Very good memory, Raphael. I am proud that you have kept that in mind."

"Thanks. But what are we gonna do about Don?" I'm eager to help my brother, despite the vile words he aimed at me only hours ago.

"Let me meditate on this. We will speak in the morning. Now, go to bed, it is very late." Me and Leo both stand up and bow. "Hai, Sensei."

In the halls, on the way to our rooms, Leonardo looks at me and ask, "So what exactly happened between you and April?"

"She said she likes me, even if I have cuts." I shrug. It's nothing, real isn't.

"And?" Alright, he caught my bluff. There's more.

"And, we're dating." I grin as I say this.

Me and Leo depart to our rooms and I find Rhino sleeping in my hammock bed. I roll my eyes and walk over there. "Move over, ya little fuzz-ball." I lay down next to my cat, and we sleep through the night. Safe..and sound.

**Donnie Pov**

I don't know how long I've been here, buts it been quite awhile. I sit in my chair, at my desk, thinking. So, April doesn't like me. Or Casey. She instead likes my brother; the boy with cuts under his sleeves. Who does he think he is, anyway? Stealing my girl like that, he knew I liked her. He just didn't care.

I move my key, reveling a carving of a heart with a D, plus sign, and an A in it. Donnie and April...

Ugh! Why did he take her, why? I never stole anything from him! Never! Not once, not never. I was always nice to him..except for the teasing, but we all did that! And I've never really hung out with him..and he was lonely..maybe that's why he stole her.

I tear rolls down my cheek. Why is it that the smart guys are the last guys? Leo and Karai kissed earlier on patrol, Raph is dating April, and Mikey has his eye on Renet. But me, I have no one.

So this is why Raph cuts, isn't it? Because he feels helpless and alone and hated. Maybe I could cut. Ya, I'll cut myself, and I'll see how it feels. If I like it, I'll do it more often, and if I don't then I'll just leave it at that.

I take a pencil sharpener and a screw driver out of my desk drawer, and begin unscrewing the blade off. I take my small, harmful blade and drive it against my skin. I bite my lips, but grin a bit as blood comes pouring out of my new cut. Ah, the feeling of blood against your skin, how beautiful.

I wonder if Raph feels like this when he cuts? Does he called like me?

...

_Doodle takes dad's scissors to her skin_

And when she does relief comes setting in

While she hides the scars she's making underneath her pretty clothes

She sings:

Hey baby can you bleed like me?

_C'mon baby can you bleed like me?_

...


	13. Battle Cry

**Woah. Ten reviews from the last chapter. TEN REVIEWS! That's the most reviews for one chapter that I have ever received for just one chapter; no joke! I love you all so much (hugs you all)! Anyway, I just want to say that I have reviewed a few private messages and reviews about people reading this because they are going through similar experiences involving self harm and depression. I just want to say that for anyone who feels that way, good luck. I hope and pray that you all will find salvation soon, and until you do, just keep rocking on with your bad self! I love all of my viewers so much. Please enjoy and please review!**

13

I watch as my brothers and sister walk into the lair, chatting amongst themselves. I roll my eyes and grunt as I turn back to the TV, watching Gotham. I have recently accepted that I am never going to leave this lair again, due to Leonardo's new rule. No cutting no patrolling. I figured that because I'm gonna be stuck in this shit hole for the rest of my life then I might as well find something to keep me busy. Tv just so happens to be that something.

"Okay, Raph, you ready to answer some more questions?" Donatello asks, standing between me and the TV. He stands awkwardly, probably feeling uncomfortable due to the events that occurred yesterday.

"No. I'm never doing that shit again." Leonardo walks over and stands next to Donnie.

"If you're going to get better you're going to have to learn to cooperate, Raph." Leonardo says with folded arms.

I stand up and take a step forward, eyeing my brothers carefully. I speak to Leonardo first. "Splinta' said that I don't have ta listen to ya. This is my problem, not yours!" I point a finger at my older brother, who's glare deepens. Then, I turn to Donatello. "As for you, I am not going to answer any questions given by you. Based off of what you said yesterday." Donatello opens his mouth to speak, but quickly shuts it. A look of guilt rests on his face, but I don't care.

"Raphael! You must answer these questions and you must open up and talk to us! You _need_ to get better!" Leonardo shouts in irritation with me. It's pretty funny, actually, how he thinks that yellin' is gonna change my mind.

"And what if I don't wanna get better? What if I like bein' this way? Huh? Eva' think of that?!" I demand bitterly. To be honest, I don't wanna change. This is too much pressure. I just...I just want to be free to do what I want, that's all.

"You don't get it, do you?" Leonardo laughs hysterically and then looks at me in question. "This is not all about you. This is about the family, Raphael. The team! If you die, or something bad happens to you, everyone will be affected in negative ways. We aren't going to throw a party, we're going to mourn."

I roll my eyes and let out a snort. "Dat ain't how Donnie-boy put it." Pet names, they all have 'em. They're my brothers, I gave them to 'em and they go by them.

"What Donnie said was out of anger, he did not mean it. But we need you to just try to get better. All we're asking is for you to try." Leonardo's voice switches to calm and it unsettles me. How does he control himself like that? It almost seems inhuman.

I heave a sigh of defeat. "Fine, but Don ain't askin' me the questions." I instantly regret sayin' it in front of him. Donnie looks as if he's about to crumble under the weight of my words, and I'm forced to act as if I can't see it and as if I'm unaffected by it.

"I can read you the questions. If you want; that is." Michelangelo's soft voice offers. There are a lot of questions I have leaning towards my brothers, but Michelangelo is the one with the biggest question. How is it, I wonder, that he had cut himself at such a young age, but still be so happy now? How did he heal? Perhaps he could teach me?

I nod my head, accepting the request.

Donatello speaks up, talking in a shaky tone. "Um, after the questions are done, there is something I need to talk to you about, Raph. But it'll be really quick." The last sentence is spoken in a quick tone.

"Alright, whatever. Come on Mike." I lead Mikey into the lab and let him sit across from me, in Donnie's seat.

"Okay...is this it?" Mikey holds up the notepad from yesterday and i nod. Mikey looks at the paper, confused. "You guys only did the first question?"

"No, we did more. But we aren't writing them down. I want it to be private." I explain.

"Oh, okay! Well, what question are we on?" I take the notepad from Michelangelo and read the list of questions. "Uh.. This one." I point to it and Michelangelo takes the notepad back.

"Alright. So, how do you feel about your cuts?" Actually...I don't know myself. I want them gone, but I feel like I'd feel lost without them. I've sorta grown to like my cuts. As bad as it sounds, I feel safer with them coating my wrists.

"I feel safe with them. Like they protect me." Michelangelo makes a face but then looks back to the notepad.

"K, next question, how do you cut yourself? Like, what blades do you use?"

"Pencil sharpener blade and my Sai." I pause for a second, and then look at my baby brother expectingly. "What did you use?"

"Pencil sharpener blade. So, my cuts were always pretty shallow." _Well, that must've been why he was able to quit so easily._ "Which brings me to the next question. How deep are your cuts?"

How deep? What are they expectin' me ta do, measure each cut? "Eh..I dunno. Pretty deep. I think the longest my cuts have ever bled for was about 15 minutes. But it's never been so bad that it needs stitches or anything."

"Okay, thanks. Hmm...this is an interesting question; describe what cutting is like." Explain? Er-okay.

"Well, think of waking up from a nightmare. While you're asleep, you're scared and confused and you just want to wake up, to be happy and to forget about whatever image is playing out before you. So, you find a way to wake yourself up, you do whatever it takes. And when you are up, you're full of relief and you finally feel calm. But after a couple minutes, you think back to the nightmare, and you pray to God that it won't happen again. That, that right there, is what cutting is like." Michelangelo bites his bottom lip and gives me a confused look.

"I-I don't understand how that relates to cutting." He says simply.

"Well, think about it. Every day I have to walk around in a nightmare full of worthlessness and anger, and all I want is to wake up. So, I cut myself to relieve stress and to be comforted." Michelangelo's eyes light up in realization.

"Okay, that makes a lot more sense. Now, this is the last question; do you think you could ever get better?" Simple: no.

"No. No, I do not." Why do those words hurt so much? Because deep down inside I hate this. This constant feeling of worthlessness and hatred. _At least no one knows about the main event that caused this. _

"Okay. I'm gonna go get D." Mikey skips off and soon returns with Donnie.

"He-hey Raph. Um, so there's this one thing that I wanted to inform you about; I think it could really help you get past this." Donatello says as he sits down across from me. Mikey sits next to me in a spare chair, spinning in circles while making motorboat noises.

"Okay, and what is this?" I ask with a hint of impatience in my tone.

"It's called the Butterfly Project. Now, there are some rules to it, which I will write down for you on a piece of paper." As he says this Donatello types something in on his computer and then turns to his drawers, taking out a paper and pencil.

I watch intently as Donatello behind writing. His tongue is sticking out of his mouth, something he does often when he's trying to concentrate. Suddenly, the led snaps on his pencil. "Crud. Mikey, will you sharpen this for me?"

"Dude, you're the one with pencil sharpener sitting in front of you, not me." Mike points out, referring to the electric sharpener next to the computer.

"I-it's broken." Donnie stutters; something that never happens when he speaks.

"Why? It was just working yesterday." I say in confusion. If it were broken then Don would've fixed it asap, no doubt. So what's the problem now?

"The blade fell out. I lost it on the floor or something." _Or something..._

"So then why do I have to use the hand one? Can't you just do it D?" Mikey pleads.

"Mikey, just do it." Donatello's tone is stern and it sounds as if he's about to snap. But why?

"But-" "Just do it!" Michelangelo and I both exchange looks of confusion at our brothers sudden outburst. Mikey walks around to the other side of the desk to sharpen the pencil, and that's when I notice Donnie's hands shaking. And he's looking at his wrappings in fear and loathing. Wrappings, shaking hands, sharpener blade missing.

Wait a minute.

Did he...?

Oh, God no.

Of course not.

But what if he did?

"Donnie, can I ask you something?" His head jerks up and he nods slowly. "Mike, can you leave for a second?" I don't wanna discuss this in front of him. It could break his heart.

Mikey mods and exits the lab with a skip in his step. Once I hear the lab doors slam shut, I turn to Donatello.

"You cut yesterday, didn't ya?" Probably not the best approach..but I'm not one to waste time.

Donnie hesitates to respond, probably debating whether or not to lie. He seems to know that I'm gonna be able to see through his words, so he yells the truth. "Yes. Yes, I did. I just felt so bad for what I said and how April likes you and not me and I just didn't know what to do. I told myself that it's okay to do it because you do and I toon the blade from the sharpener and..I did it." Donatello's voice is fast and a bit hard to understand. I can see tears welling in the corners of his eyes, and I have to fight the urge to wipe them away for my brother.

"Don...let me see them." I don't even know what to think. What should I do? Well, first let's see how deep these cuts are.

Donatello unwraps his left wrist, reveling a small cut. It's not very deep, by the looks of it it'll just be a small scar within the next couple days. It's probably about ah inch long at the most. But it's what is next to the guy that makes me do a double take. It's a butterfly, drawn in blue ink.

"What's with the butterfly?" I ask in confusion as I study the small, nicely drawn creature.

"The butterfly project. I was just about to explain it to you. Would you like me to?" I nod and Donatello begins. "These are the rules. Rule 1: When you feel like you want to cut, take a marker or pen and draw a small butterfly on wherever your self harm occurs. Rule 2: Name the butterfly after a loved, or someone who really wants you to get better. Rule 3: NO scrubbing the butterfly off; you must let it fade naturally. Rule 4: If you cut before the butterfly is gone, it dies. If you don't cut, it lives. Rule 5: if you have more than one butterfly, cutting kills them all. Rule 6: Another person may draw them on you. These butterfly's are extra special, so take good care of them. And finally, Rule 7: Even if you don't cut, feel free to draw butterfly anyways, to show your support. If you do, name your butterfly after someone you know that is suffering right now, and tell them. It could help them on their road to recovery." As Donatello finishes, I really think about this. It's a great technique, and I want to try it.

"Don, can I draw a butterfly on you?" I ask calmly.

Donnie's face lights up. "As long as I can draw one on you."

I smile at my little bro. "Deal."

I grab a red pen and Donatello grabs a black one. I draw one on Donnie first, and then he draws it on me. "If you ever need to talk, know I'm here." I say Donnie draws on me. The ink tickles my skin and I try to hold still.

"Of course. You too." I smirk. It's nice to know that someone's got my back. "And, Raph, I'm really sorry for what I said yesterday. I didn't mean it." Donatello's voice in sincere.

"It's okay, I got over it. I know that you didn't mean it." Deep down, I actually did.

"Thanks, Raph." Donatello and I both stand up and something surprising happens; he hugs me. I stand, frozen in shock for a second before returning the favor.

Maybe we can both get better; together. One butterfly at a time.

...

You're on the edge of giving up

You know I feel it too

You won't be alone because

I'm with you

Bring the fire, bring the smoke, bring the rain

We will bend but we will never break

If we believe we can't lose

Even mountains will move

It's my faith, it's my life

This is our battle cry

They can't take us down

If we stand our ground

If we live, if we die

We will shout out our battle cry

...


	14. I Hate Everything About You

**Thanks for reviews! Sorry for the delay, but this chapter was remade many times. But lease, enjoy it and review!**

**14**

_Look at you, you little bitch! Dancing around like you're some sorta star, picking and choosing as if the world is yours. You're such an asshole, taking advantage of your brothers and sister and treatin' 'em like they're your little slaves. That ain't how shit works around here, dumbass! You think you're so special, that you can be treated like royalty just because of your stupid mental disorder! Anxiety, Depression, Insomnia, Suicidal thoughts; they're all just a figment of your imagination! You're trickin' yourself inta' believing that you're mentally ill and unstable and I think we both know the truth; you're completely utterly fine! So, quit playin' you're stupid mind games and be fucking great fun for what you have!_

I grip the bathroom counter, my body beginning to tremble. No, not this again, anything but this.

_They're my family, and I love them. So get out of my damn head and leave me be! I'm depressed and I suffer from suicidal thoughts and I have anxiety and a bad case of insomnia. That ain't my fault, eitha'. Listen, I'm trying ta get better, for them! For my brothers, for my father, for my sister, for my girlfriend, and for my best friend. But you here, you seem to think that you can just waltz on in here and throw shot at me like I'm just gonna take it. News flash, buddy, I ain't no punchin' bag!_

The voices scream, arguing with each other. The first voice thinks I'm wretched and vile, while the second things I'm beautiful and blooming. The voices are yelling back and forth, practically tearing me into two different people. Half of me is raging like the fire burning in my soul, while my other half is blossoming into the angel that April somehow sees in me. Only, this isn't just your ordinary 50/50 debate, no, because there isn't a peacefulness in between, and there most certainly isn't any time for thinking or picking sides. So, I just stand here, staring at my bloodshot eyes in the mirror, clutching the cool marble counter in support of my shaking body. My trembling earthquake form.

The voices...what do they want from me...one wants death while another wants peace...but which do I choose? I need to talk to someone. I need to get this off of my chest. But..who can I go to? Not Donnie, no, he doesn't need all of this extra pressure and work. Not Mikey, he's fragile and happy. I don't want my depression to turn my baby brothers ball of sun into a cloudy day. But I can't go to Leo, either, he'll just force me to drink some honesty tea and then spill my guts. Karai won't due, me and her aren't too close yet. And most certainly not April. I want her to look at me as a lover, not as some weak pest. So then...who can I talk to?

_My father. _

Yes! Yes, that's probably the most brilliant idea I've come up with in a long time.

I take a washcloth from the closet and put it under the cold faucet, wetting the small towel. I take the square cloth with its torn up edges and bring it to my face. I wash the exhaustion out of my eyes and try to forget about my mistakes and failures in life.

_Come on, Raph, we just gotta go out there and eat a quick breakfast with your family and then you can talk to Splinter about your problem and then you can do your chores and then you can sit around and do nothing while everyone else has fun..._

What has my life come to?! It's the same damn thing every day. Breakfast, training, chores, nothing, therapy, a bit of free time, sleep. Over and over and over and over. So...why do I continue to live?

Ugh! Just shut the fuck up and go out there to eat your breakfast, it ain't all that hard!

With those thoughts in mind, I unlock the bathroom door and make my way towards my family.

In the kitchen, my siblings are all seated next to each other at the island, talking rather loudly. I take my seat at the head of the island, Leonardo sitting straighten across from me with Donnie and Karai at his sides. Next to Don is April and and Mikey sits next to Karai. April glances over at me when I sit down and she smiles at me, making me feel slightly reassured. I try my hardest to smile back, and I'm not very successful. What I give April is a small half smile that only lasts for a couple of seconds before fading.

I look down at my plate made up of two pancakes, two sticks of bacon, and a small portion of eggs. A glass of orange juice sits next to my plate, and I pick up the fork that lays on the other side. I bring my fork down to my plate and force myself to lift up some eggs. I stare at the forkful of food, seemingly puzzled. _Come on, just shove it in your mouth and force it down! Just eat your eggs, one of the strips of bacon, half of a pancake and then claim to be full and then you can leave and talk to your father. It isn't that hard! Not at all. _

Then why can't I do this? Why is every waking second a living hell? I feel like I'm dragging weights, and with every breath another gets added. I'm never gonna make it through this life..so why bother trying?

My hands, they tremble. My eyes, they're beginning to fill with water. My heart, it's beginning to shatter. My fork, it just dropped with a clatter.

Everyone at the table shuts up and stares at my in question. "Raph...you okay?" Leonardo asks from the other side of the table.

"Ya..ya I'm fine." I push my stool out and stand up, walking out of the kitchen while the others exchange looks of concern.

I'm a fool..just walking out like that. If I was only able to control myself...

But that's just it! You _can_ control yourself. You're just too stuck up and messed up in the head to comprehend that. You're nothing but a drag, both on the team and on the family. They want you gone, so why are you even seeking help?

I stop for a second and just stand there, pondering over the hateful voice inside of my head. Why am I seeking help? I can just leave...and never come back. Yes! Yes, that would be so much better for everyone! For me, my siblings, my father, my girlfriend. I'd be doing everyone a huge favor. Of course leaving is the better option.

I turn my body so that its facing the way out of the lair, and I start walking towards the sewer tunnels. I'm helping, I'm doing the right thing.

_No! Stop what you're doing and think! You can't leave, they need you. All for so many different reasons. April needs you here for her right now because she loves you, you're her rock and she enjoys hanging out with you. Karai needs you here because you're the only one of your brothers who finds joy in her activities. Your Father needs you here to help out around the lair, and to be the strength of the team. Your father needs you to help keep everyone together. Michelangelo needs you here because he enjoys your company, and he looks up to you. Donatello needs you here to help him get through this huge mess. Donnie is falling apart, and you may just be the glue. Put him back together. _

_Leonardo. He needs you here the most, Raph. He loves you more than he portrays, just as you love him. You're closer to him than any of your other siblings. He relies on you to help him manage the team, and he needs you to help him let loose and be the good brother that he is. Recently he's been a little more uptight than usual, his main priority is to be your leader. You're main priority right now should be to show him that being a brother is more important than being a leader. Because Leo seems to have forgotten that. And if you leave he'll never see that what everyone needs right now is a caring brother. _

_So..you can't go. Not now. Turn around. Go to your father, seek the help that you need. If you can't do this for yourself, than at least do it for your family. Get better. _

The second voice is filled with hopefulness and it shows a good point. My family needs me, even if I cut myself I still need to be there for them. So I'm going to turn around, and go to my father. I'm going to get help, and I'm going to get better, for my family.

I walk to the dojo and find my father standing near the large oak tree, examining it's marvelous branches. My father notices me when I'm half way towards him and he gives me a questioning look. "Training isn't for another fifteen minutes, why aren't you with your brothers and sister?" In probably the only one he would ask this to. My brothers and sister will sometimes come in here earlier if they finish breakfast up with time to spare. But not me. I spend as much as time as I can out of here. I've never been very found of training, despite my love for ninjutsu and fighting. I think that the reason I hate it so much is because of how dangerous I am. One second it can be a fair spar, but the next second my opponent is on the ground, bloodied and bruised. I've always had this fear, that one day I'm going to go to far, and I'm going to severely injure one of them.

I shift my weight from foot to foot. What do I say? How do I word this? "Sensei, I-er. I..uh..need your help with something...?" My tube of voice makes it sound like I'm asking a question, and I really feel like I am. What am I doing here? I can help myself, right?

Nope. The answer is no. Simple as pie.

My father gives me a curious look, probably trying to figure out what I could possibly need his help with. It's not very often that I come to him for things, around the age of nine I realized that it's easier to just figure your problems out on your own. But now I'm not so sure.

"You're brothers and sister will be in here shortly, can you wait until after training?" Two and a half hours of training. Can I control myself for that long? Probably not, but I don't want to cause my father any stress.

I nod my head. "Yes. Yes, I can wait." I look down at my feet and realize that by waiting I am not only putting more time between me and recovery, but I'm also putting my family in danger. With these voices in my head screaming back and forth I'm finding it hard to contain my anger and keeping my family out of harms reach.

My father places a hand on my shoulder and I look up to find him staring at me with a reassuring smile. I muster up the strength to return the favor. There's an awkward silence in the air, and I'm struggling to breath due to the anxiety that drowns me. "Is there something troubling you, my son?" Master Splinter's tone is caring and helpful. I know that, as long as I have my father on my side, I'll never be completely alone. My Father is the one person that I can trust no matter what the situation is. Well, unless it could get me in trouble, that is.

"No, I'm just very anxious to start today's lesson." My fake smile grows to make the lie seem more believable, even though I know that my father knows that it's a lie.

My father sighs. "Raphael, you do know that you can talk to me about what ever is going on, correct?"

I nod my head vigorously. "If course I know that I can talk to you."

My father looks at me in a peculiar, unexplainable way. He looks at me as if I'm his biggest question, as if I'm a puzzle that he has yet to solve. And I hate to burst his bubble, because I've lost many of the pieces to my puzzle, meaning that I will never again be whole.

"Did you come here to ask me to help you get through...this?" Depends what "this" is. Haha, just kidding, no it doesn't depend on what "this" is because I'm a hot mess no matter what I'm doing.

I shake my head. "No. No I came because I needed some help with my stealth. I've been off of patrol for nearly three weeks now and I don't want to screw up when I get back to patrolling." A reasonable lie, truly.

My father seems to take this, because he simply nods. He opens his mouth to speak, but closes it as soon as he sees my siblings and April entering the dojo all in a small pack. I walk over towards them and we all kneel in front of our father. Phew, saved by my classmates.

_Classmates...not family...classmates..._

"Good morning, my students." Students...not children...students...

"Good morning, Sensei." Me and my _classmates_ say in a chorus. _Sensei...not father...Sensei...not father..._

These stupid names are messing with my head, what this? Is this a classroom or a home? Are family or peers? I don't think I understand this. I don't think I understand anything. I think..I think I'm lost.

Is the air growing thin or are my lungs getting smaller? Am I living or just breathing? Just breathing..but am I breathing? I'm suffocating..my eyes are going black. I can't think I can't see I can't breathe.

Not my soul, anyway.

Yes, my body is alive. But not my soul.

My Sensei paces in front of me and my peers and I look down at my hands quake from their spots on my knees. My brothers, sister, and girlfriend all look up at Master Splinter as he begins to explain today's lesson, while I on the other hand, am focused on my shaking body.

"Today, we are going to switch things up a bit. Instead of me teaching you something to strengthen you physically, I am going to teach you strengthen yourselves mentally." Wha...? "Boys, do you remember last fall when I had you all shoot arrows at Raphael while he had to not only dodge the physical arrows, but also the verbal arrows?" Wait, are we doing that again? Cause if so, I'm out. Me and my brothers mod our heads in response. "Well, today we are doing something along the lines of that. Each of you will receive a partner that I have chosen for you based off of your relationships and how well you know each other. What you must do, is dual. But, while dueling you will take turns insulting each other."

Me and my siblings and April all exchange looks of confusion. Michelangelo speaks up, voicing everyone's thoughts as one. "Sensei, that doesn't make any sense. I mean, it isn't that hard to just tune out people's words. We can easily just turn off our ears and fight normally."

"That is correct, Michelangelo. But what you want to do is weaken your opponent by throwing insults that will surly hurt them. Hence the reason that I put you with a partner who you have a very close relationship with; because then you will know what you can say to weaken them. Do not feel hesitate to insult your opponent, hurting them is the key to success in this lesson. Do I make myself clear?" This could actually be pretty fun, as long my partner isn't Leo.

A chorus of "Hai, Sensei"'s is said in response and Master Splinter proceeds to giving us our partners.

"Karai and April," _okay, I guess I'd rather be with one of my brothers anyway, so not being with Karai or April isn't much of a drag. _"Donatello and Michelangelo." _Shit, that means I'm with- _"Raphael and Leonardo."

Leonardo, who's sitting to my left, looks over at me with a hopeful look, and just after one little glance, I know exactly what he's thinking. He thinks that me and him are gonna grow closer due to this little exercise, that we can be best buds and I'll spill my guts to 'im. He is gonna be as disappointed as hell when he realizes that ain't how this is all gonna play out.

We all stand up and walk over to an open area on the mats. Me and Leo walk over to the opposite side of the tree, the two other groups spreading out from across the dojo. My brother looks over at me and opens his mouth to speak, but I beat him to it. "Don't waste your breath." His mouth closes immediately and he looks forward instead.

Both of us draw our weapons and stand across from each other, just as our Brothers and sister and April. "The youngest of the group will give the insults first, and then vice-versa. The point of this is to ignore the words. As I told Raphael only a few short months ago, 'Let the words wash over you, like river over stone.'" With that said, we all begin.

I lunge at Leonardo and my Sai cling against his Katana. I grin, knowing that this is going to be a piece of cake. "You fight as bad as Mikey." My first insult, not that bad. Pretty simple, but in Leo's eyes it's nothing short of hurtful.

Leonardo dodges my second slash, and but he lands awkwardly after his swift movement, and my legs quickly swing at his, knocking him down to the ground. "How did you even get the role as leader, anyway? Beats me. You lead like that asshole of a captain on your favorite show. What's his name? Captain Brian?"

Leonardo stands back up and wipes the already forming sweat off of his forehead. "His name is Captain Ryan." My brother hisses.

A grin forms on my face as he rushes back at me. I easily dodge his not very thought through attack and I stare at my brother, the perfect mock. "Right, Captain Ryan. You lead exactly like him. With courage, respect, resourcefulness," I go on and on, describing the perfect leader. And with every word spoken, my brother gives me an even more confused look. "But do you remember the series finale? When he made one little mistake, and it let the whole team down? That's gonna be you one of these days, Leo. One day, it'll all just fall apart, and you won't know how to pick it back up." Well, that really infuriated him.

Leonardo is swinging his Katana at me faster than usual, with more force. He runs from one end of the room and jumps up into the air, landing just barely on top of me. I fall to the ground with a scowl on my face. But I'm quickly on my feet again, and me and Leo stand in our starting positions. Leonardo stands a few feet away front of me, studying my posture and face. I know instantly what he's doing; planning an attack.

"I'm just counting down the days till that happens, Fearless." I say referring back to what I had just gotten done telling him. "And do ya wanna know why I'm so positive that it's gonna happen? Because you plan every little move out, like right now. You're planning out the perfect attack in your mind, never thinking of a plan B if everything fails. So one day, it will. And you'll panic. All hell will break loose, and you won't know what to do. You'll fail as our leader, and our brother." This pisses my brother off completely.

He launches into full-blown attack mode, fighting me as if I'm his greatest enemy. His Katana meets my arm, and a small scratch is made. I decide that while we're dealing, I might as well continue. "We'll be dead because you don't know how to fight without thinking. You're a afraid to fight if you don't have some sorta strategy, so when you don't you panic and you shut down. YOU CAN'T DO THAT! You have to learn to fight without strategies; use your heart, not your brain."

"Why is fighting with a strategy so horrible?!" Leonardo snarls at me with gritted teeth, hissing his words.

"Because, like I said, when your plans fail you shut down and forget your main priority. Because you've failed as a leader, you think that you've failed all together. And that's the main problem." I duck just as Leonardo swings at my head, and I thrust my body against Leo's chest, knocking him to ground with a large "oof."

"You've forgotten somethin', Dear Ol' Leader of mine!" I shout at him louder than I should.

Leonardo regains his focus on me and we both stand up, immediately jumping back into battle. "Oh really, and what's that?!" He demands in an equally loud tone.

"That we're your brothers, not just your followers. We're your family, not just your team. That we love you, and that one day, we aren't gonna need a leader anymore, but instead a- BROTHER!" The last word is screamed and I shove Leonardo hard to the ground. My breaths are fast and heavy and I glare at my leader as he lays on the ground, his hands propping him up. I know, in this moment, that I have won.

My eyes wander away from my brother, to see that my Father, brothers, sister, and April have all gathered around to watch the ending of our fierce battle. Everyone in the dojo is silent, and I look at my father as he takes a step forward. "Very good, everyone. Now you will switch rolls with your partner." We all go back to our original spots, and me and Leonardo are once again standing across from each other.

As usual, I make the first move, running at Leonardo with a look of confidence in my eyes. This is gonna be simple. "Making the first move, I see. You only do that because it gives you a head start. Without it you'd lose every battle." That's fucking bullshit, Leo! You and I both know that it's gonna take more than that to break me.

As our battle continues, as does my brothers harsh words. "You're afraid of losing, because you know that if you lose, then you'll be looked at as weak and vulnerable. You hate it when people say that about you because it's true. You're weak, and sick, and you need help. But your too stuck-up and too high up on that little high horse of yours to get down and ask. So you play it tough, hiding your pain behind a look of anger." What the hell is he talking about?! I'm not fucking stuck-up, fucking asshole!

My Sai creates a small scratch on Leonardo's plastron, and I once again knock him clean to the ground. I clench my fits in anger with my brothers words. I do not hide my feelings behind anger!

"But your anger is too much. You're depressed, Raphael. You're suicidal, too. With all of those cuts on your wrists, and all of those lines that escape your lips every single day. You want help, I can see it in your eyes. You're not living, you're surviving. You're not breathing, you're suffocating. You want someone to help you out of this ditch that you've burrowed yourself into, and I can help you! Course, you're too big of an asshole to ask for help, aren't you?" THAT'S IT!

My Sai cuts into Leonardo's upper arm, just as it does each day to my forearm. No butterflies can stop me, no they cannot. Leonardo yelps in pain, but I've only just begun.

I shove my brother to the ground and kick at his sides as he attempts to stand back up. Once he does, my violence just gets worse. I throw myself at Leonardo, pushing him up against the tree. His head slams back, hiding the trunk hard and with full force. Leonardo takes out a Shurkin from his belt and he makes a large gash on my bicep. Angry and hell-bent on beating him, my hands wrap themselves around my brothers throat, choking him, pressing him against the great oak tree as his face begins to grow paler and paler with every passing second.

**TBC**

...

Every time we lie awake

After every hit we take

Every feeling that I get

But I haven't missed you yet

Only when I stop to think about it

I hate everything about you

Why do I love you?

I hate everything about you

Why do I love you?

...


	15. Furious Love

**Hey guys! I know I just updated the other day, but the first review I received for chapter 14 was from . and she was hoping to get an update before she heads to camp on Sunday. She's been having a really hard time wit Flamers recently and I from experience know how horrible people can be on this site. So, in attempt to cheer her up, I have updated quickly! Please enjoy and please please please review!**

**15**

My fingers curl around Leonardo's neck, closing a gap between the oxygen and his lungs. His face grows pale, and his eyes grow large and bloodshot, the red veins now visible. My teeth are clenched, and I'm breathing heavily.

_Kill him! Choke him! He doesn't deserve to live, not after all he has done to you. Pushing you away, not willing to be your friend. You are no brother to him, you're just another one of his soldiers. He hates you the most. Because you rebel against his rules and every thought out plan. Just choke him already, and then you can be free..._

The malicious voice inside my head screams and shouts, begging to be heard.

"Raphael! Raphael, let go of your brother!" Splinter's voice echoes through out the dojo as he rushes over to put an end to my vicious act.

My brothers, sister, and girlfriend all stop what there doing and glance over at the monstrous scene, and after just a quick look, they all dart over here to stop me from murdering the Fearless leader.

My other two brothers rush over and pry me away from Leonardo, while Karai and April stand next to Leonardo, attempting to aid him. My Father is holding Leonardo on his lap, a panicked look in his eyes. Everyone's talking all at once, demanding me why I did it and what was going on and if Leonardo is okay. But I can't hear them. I can't see them. I can't feel them.

_I am numb. _

Donatello and Michelangelo hold me back as I struggle to set myself free, as I try to finish off my prey. I can kill Leonardo, and then the rest. I will become unstoppable...I will become indestructible.

_Kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill, kill. _

My body moves faster and I'm struggling furiously against the tight grip that my two younger brothers are holding on my wrists. Out of the corner of my eyes I can see their mouths opening and closing, indicating that they are speaking, though I cannot hear a thing. I imagine that they're screamin' at me ta stop, but that ain't gonna work. My eyes go into stealth mode, bringing my third eyelid over, making my eyes go white. I can feel the blood dripping down from the gash that Leonardo made on my upper arm, and I can feel myself foaming at the mouth. I must look like a psycho, though that is what I am.

Why won't they just let go of me? Why are they holding my wrists so tight? I need them to let go of me. I need to be set free. I need to kill Leonardo, the devil himself. They don't realize that Leonardo is a danger to them, Leonardo is a monster who needs to be killed. Him and his Master. They're the psychopaths, not me. Look at them, Leonardo unconscious and Splinter just about crying, lookin' down at his devilish son! I did this, out of justice. Nothin's eva gonna be right if they're here, Leo needs to die. I'll kill him, I'll kill my big brotha. I'll kill my brother.

_I'll kill my brother...?_

WHAT?! No! No no no no no no no! This...I didn't do this. Somebody else did, I didn't choke him. He's my brother, I love him. I don't want him dead, I want him in my arms. I want my best friend alive, not dead. Why..why did I do this...?

"Let go of me." I demand. I stop struggling, and instead just stand there, staring down at my big brother laying unconscious in my Father's arms.

What in the hell have I done?

"What? No! Not after what you just did to Leo, you'll kill him or hurt him severely. We can't just let you go!" Donatello's voice is quick and full of fear. _He-he's afraid of me..my little brother is afraid of me...I tried to kill me older brother..._

I shake my head in denial. _This can't be happening! This is fake, just a dream! WAKE UP, RAPHAEL! WAKE UP! _"Donnie, Mikey, just let go of me. Please just let me go." I plead for them to loosen they're grips just a tad bit. I look from brother to brother, a desperate look in my eyes. Michelangelo looks at me with a caring look, and I can feel his grip starting to loosen, but then he retightens it, a soldier like expression settling across his face. He...he doesn't trust me...

April sits next to Splinter and Leonardo, checking Leo's pulse by placing her index and middle finger carefully on his neck. Her face instantly fills with alarm as she shouts, "DONNIE HE'S NOT BEATHING!" My girlfriends voice his panic-stricken and she looks up at Donatello in desperation.

_I killed him...he isn't breathing...he's dead...and it's my fault. _

By the look on Donnie's face he's already contemplating a plan. "Karai, take over right here while I go grab the first aid, April I need you to perform mouth-to-mouth while I am gone, we need to get some oxygen into his system before it's too late. Sensei, I need you to gather blankets, pillows, a wet washcloth, and some tea. Everyone move!" Donatello shouts orders and the room is a frenzy within an instant.

For a split second, Michelangelo is the only one holding onto me, and I know that if I'm gonna escape, now is the time. I turn to my little brother and whisper, "I am so sorry," as I punch his face and twist his arm, resulting to him letting out a painful yelp. I turn around and run out of the dojo, out of the lair, as fast as I possibly can. I've never run so fast, I've never felt so scared.

As I sprint out of the dojo and through the main room, I can sense Karai chasing after me. Until I hear my father's voice call out to his eldest child, "Let Raphael go, Miwa." Karai halts and I can hear her let out a faint grunt just before I'm out of earshot, just before I'm out of reach.

Just before I'm safe.

* * *

I heave a sigh of relief as I finally arrive at my destination, closing the door behind me and sinking to the cold, cement floor beneath me. The air is crisp and hot, it being the beginning of July that is to be expected. Flys buzz around me, and I pound them with my fist if they get to close. It smells like alcohol, though that is to be expected. I mean, here I am, sitting alone in an abandoned shack filled with liquor. Shelves upon shelves filled with Smirnoff, hundreds of different flavors; and it's all just an arms length away.

I stand up, regaining my train of thought, remembering why I'm here.

To drink.

To forget.

To keep my family safe.

By leaving them.

My mind drifts into a veil memory consisting of the events that occurred only an hour ago. Leo's bloodied body, his swollen neck. Mikey as he crashed down onto the ground after I shoved him in order to break away. The face that April have me as she looked between me and Leonardo; a look containing fear and disgust; she hates me.

Tears prickle at my eyes, and I know that I'm never going to get over the crime I have made. Why did I do that? I can barely even remember it. It was like I wasn't in control of my body. It was like someone else was controlling my body, like I was just watching it all play out. At the time I thought that what I was doing was for the best, but now that I'm looking back at the traumatic scene, I can feel nothing but regret. Hopefully, this alcohol can change that.

I take a tall bottle of Smirnoff off of a shelf, taking a swig of the bittersweet liquor. Instantly, my head begins to feel fuzzy and the feeling is welcoming and sensational. I heave a sigh that I didn't realize I had been holding, relief comes setting in. Under the large door, day light comes seeping in. It's only 11:30, and the city below me is awake and alive with loud noises and hopes for a good day. _A good day..._

I take another large gulp out of my apple flavored drink, trying to imagine what's going on at home all the while. Leo and Mikey are probably both in the infirmary, getting bandaged up and being a fed a a reasonable amount of painkillers. Tch, when I take medicine I always seem to take too much. Drug overdose, I guess you could call it.

April and Donnie are tending to Leo and Mikey's injuries, no doubt. Splinter is meditating, as he so often does during times of crisis.

Then there's Karai. I don't really know what she's doing right now. Probably pacing around her room cussing me out; she seems like the type of person to do that.

I turn around and begin pacing myself, ignoring the wretched feeling in my head from the alcohol. My legs sway a bit as I walk, making me feel like I'm on a cloud. I clutch onto my tall, clear 12 inch tall bottle of Smirnoff as I gait throughout the surprisingly large shack filled with nothing but Vodka. I find a chair sitting in one of the corners. I pull it out from its spot in the corner and drag it over so it's sitting in front of them door, promising to keep out all visitors. After doing that, I drink the last bit of Alcohol from its bottle and reach for another; this time choosing the Lemon flavored liquor.

I sit down on the ground, leaning my shell against an empty wall. My head swims and stomach twist and turns in unsettling ways; yet I still feel numb.

Who am I, and what have I become? Why did I do that, and what made me think it was okay? How am I ever going to straighten things out with my family, and what are they going to think of me? Will things ever go back to normal, and what is going to become of me?

Who am I and what have a become?

Death, maybe. Suicide, probably. Alcoholic, of course. A screw-up, I don't even have to think to know. Murderer, er- I dunno.

But what I do know is that I hate myself and that I can't go home. Not right now. Not today. Not tonight.

Not ever.

* * *

**Donnie Pov **

The tip of my tongue sticks out of the left side of my mouth in concentration as I stitch up the back of Leonardo's head. The lab is silent, all except for mine, April's, and Mikey's steady breaths, along with the soft him of purring coming from Rhino. Mikey is sleeping across the lab with an ice pack on his head and Rhino curled against against his plastron. April watches me intently as I carefully sew the skin on Leonardo's head back together.

I heave a long and exaggerated sigh as I take a step back to examine my work after finishing the tricky task. My eyes are set on my sleeping brother, and I can't help but curse Raphael for what he has done. Michelangelo's wrist was fractured by Raph in an escape move, which certainly worked. There's a gigantic bruise on Mike's head, but I'm sure he'll be okay. Leo's the one I'm worried about. I mean, I just got done putting 6 different stitches into a one-and-a-half-inch long gash on the back of his head from where it had slammed into the tree. His arm has a three inch long gash, complete with ten stitches. Dry blood sits crusted all over his arms, plastron, head, and legs. He's a bloody mess, and I can only imagine how much pain he'll be in once he wakes up. I already have a couple packs of Aleve painkillers sitting next to Leonardo's bed for when he wakes up. He knows just the right amount to take, I figured it'd help if I just left them there for him.

The past hour has been traumatizing, but when Leo's heart stopped, that was the scariest part of all of this. It was complete chaos, with everyone running in so many different directions. Michelangelo was knocked down by Raphael just before he escaped, and Karai begged to go after him. Splinter didn't allow her too, thank god. I can't even imagine what she would've done to Raph.

I was luckily able to get Leonardo's heart beating again, it wasn't that hard actually. I just performed a quick CPR and he was back. The second his eyes shot open I tranquilized him, not wanting him to feel too much pain too fast. He should be waking within the hour, if I am not mistaken. Hopefully, he won't be too angry with Raphael.

April steps forward and I suddenly feel her arms around my waist and her head on my shoulder, leaning gently against mine. I'm frozen, in a state of shock at what I am feeling. A-April is holding me?! Why?! What about Raph? What about him?

"W-what are you doing?" My voice shakes and quivers, making me seem weak. Not that I care, really, I am the weakest of my brothers physically, but the strongest mentally.

"I don't know. Just...thinking." Thinking?

I look down at April from the corners of my eyes, and I can see a look of disappointment and confusion spread across her face. "About what?" A sigh escape April's mouth and she lets go of me and instead grabs my hand. She guides me over to the shell raiser and brings me into it, closing the door quietly behind us. I sit in my usual spot, butterflies swimming in my stomach as I watch April sit down in Raphael's chair, spinning it around so that she's facing me. Her hair is down, no ponytails or headbands in sight. Just..beautiful, wavy, red-orange locks flowing as they please.

April looks down at her fingers resting neatly on her lap for a few seconds before looking up at me and answering my previously asked question. "I've been thinking about me and Raph." Aaand there goes my butterflies and hope! Back to the friend zone, everyone!

My eyes shift down to the floor and I shake my head slightly, telling myself about how stupid I was to even think that April might like me despite her relationship with my brother. _Stupid, so stupid._ "What exactly do you mean by that?" Questions upon questions are zooming through my head as my mind continues to wander through the caverns of the unknown.

"I'm not entirely sure if he's good for me." Why would you even be sure in the first place? Raphael is on of the most dangerous people I know, especially what he did earlier. He practically murdered Leonardo! I just wonder what his reasoning behind it all is...

"To be completely honest, I think you deserve better than him." My voice is nearly a whisper as I speak against my older brother. Brother? Tch, more like enemy. He caused so much pain to me and my brothers. Uh! I hate Raphael! I _hate_ him.

April's head shoots up and her eyes go wide at my words. "How could you say that?! Raphael is your brother!" She's taking his side? Did she see what he did to Leonardo and Michelangelo? Does she realize what a threat he is?

"He is no brother to me. Not anymore. Not family. Not a friend. An ally, at most. You should break up with him, April. He isn't safe, you deserve someone who respects you and loves you and would never hurt you." Someone like me.

April stands up and stares at me, an infuriated expression written across her face. "You're kidding, right Donnie? I don't care what Raph did; he's still my boyfriend and your brother and he's amazing. That, back there, the person choking Leo, was not Raphael. There was something entirely different about him, I could see it in his eyes as he struggled to get free. That was not Raphael. That..that was something else. Some sort of...demon or something! Not Raph. Not a chance." April's voice dials down and I stand up, staring at her in disbelief. This is nonsense! Stupid! Idiotic! There's something going on in April's mind, and whatever it is its utter rubbish. Demon? What is she thinking?

"That's bullcrap, April. Raphael has always been dangerous and stupid and foolish and tempered-"

"AND THAT RIGHT THERE IS THE PROBLEM! The fact that you can't see past his personality enough to see who he is. Ever since I started dating Raph..I've felt safe and free and I haven't felt so alive and needed in a long time. He thinks that his cuts are ugly a petrifying..but they're the exact opposite. They're beautiful and shockingly amazing." April pauses and let's out a sigh. "What I'm trying to say is, that, Raphael is amazing. And...I'm in love with him." In love with him?! What the hell?! You know what, I'm done with this shit! Raphael has brainwashed April, or something.

I shake my head as a chuckle escapes my throat. I turn around and walk out of the shell raiser, April trailing close behind. "You think this is some sort of game, like you know what's good for you. But you don't. You don't know who Raphael is, but I do. You don't know what you're getting yourself into, but I do. Trouble. That's all. That's it. Nothing more, nothing less." I know everything, I'm the brains behind this team.

"I can't fricking believe you, Donatello." April nutters as she storms out of the lab.

A small laugh escapes my throat. She really doesn't know what's good for her, does she?

* * *

**Raphael Pov**

I take another swig of my third bottle of Smirnoff as I walk down the misty sewer tunnels. My mind isn't completely gone, surprisingly. A couple months ago I was dead drunk after just a can of miller light, now I can handle about five bottles of pure liquor before losing my sanity. I don't know how exactly that happened, but that's just how I am. Sure, my legs are seating and my head is throbbing, but at least I'm in control of my thoughts and what I'm saying. Unlike earlier...

I snap back to reality as I find myself standing outside the lair. I lean my shell against a wall and shallow my breaths, going into stealth mode. After a fees moments, I turn and peek into the lair, noticing that the coast is clear. Except for the loud noise of April exiting the lab. I watch my girlfriend ~_wait, is she even my girlfriend anymore?_~ as she stomps off into the direction of my bedroom. I toss my glass bottle across the tunnel and I make a run for it, taking this as my chance to enter my home ~_is this even my home?_~.

I sprint in the lair, grabbing April and holding her tightly in my arms bridal style. A startled expression is plastered across her beautifully designed face, with freckles decorating her blushing cheeks. I bring us to my room, and once we are in there, I set April down in my bed and lock the door. My body immediately slumps to the floor, my shell laying against the door as I bury my face in my knees. As I sit on the cold floor, I struggle to catch my breath.

The room is quite and silent, and then she speaks up in her angelic voice. "Babe, are you alright?" I freeze for a second after hearing April's peaceful vocalization. God, have I missed her voice.

I look up to find April's caring, true blue eyes staring down at me in concern. I stand up and walk over to sit next to my girlfriend on my bed. I'm surprised to see that the second I'm sitting, April's body is leaning back on mine. It takes a second, but we situate ourselves so that my back is leaning against one end of my hammock while my feet point at the other end. April leans her head on my pla stork, laying on my body comfortable. My hands are draped around April's thin stomach, with her own overlapping mine. My chin rests on top of her head, and a smile is worn on my lips.

"I'm good now, thanks to you." I whisper. I can sense a smile creeping onto April's face, and knowing that I've caused someone joy makes me feel a little better about myself. "Me too."

This is how it outta be, just me and April snuggling on my hammock bed. But, of course, it can't be like this, because of my cuts and bruises and my sin and demons. I'm too dangerous. "Before anybody says anything about what happened earlier..I just want you to know that I did not mean to cause pain to Leo. That..wasn't me. I felt like something, or someone, else was taking control over my body. I know that that sounds like a stupid excuse, but I'm serious. I hate myself for causing pain to my brothers, I love them. No matter what I say or do or what they or do will ever change that. Please, April, don't hate me for what happened earlier." My voice is pleading and a single tears rolls down my cheek, dampening my mask.

April is silent for a few moments, and I brace myself for the big turn down. For the accusations, for the yelling. But..I don't want that. I can't take that anymore. But then, she speaks, and once again sets a sensational fire in play in my heart. "I knew that the entire time, Raphael. Don't listen to what they say to you, you're amazing."

I shake my head slightly and chuckle. "I'm sorry to break it to you, April, but I'm not anything close the amazing. I'm the exact opposite. And..I honestly don't know why you chose me." I confess my confusion openly. I have so many secrets built up inside, it's time to open up and set them free; like birds in the wind.

April sits up and turns so that she's facing me. "You're far from amazing, Raph. You're perfect, and I love you. I am in love with you, and no cuts or words or mistakes are ever going to change that. Because I have fallen into a deep feeling for you, and I don't think there is any chance at me turning back." Our faces are only inches apart and I smile as I wrap an arm around her waist and pull her forward into a long, passionate, intoxicating kiss.

...

_But You say I am beautiful_

I don't need the world's approval

Only you madly pursue me

And jealously tell me

I am worthy of

_Furious love_

...


	16. Cut

**Hey everyone. So, I only got two review for the last chapter, kinda upset about that. Please review this chapter, I'd really appreciate it. Enjoy.**

**16**

I walk into the dojo, looking around for my father, who, sure enough, is in here. I smile a bit as I watch my father from his place over by the tree. He looks so peaceful, so happy; and here I am, about to bug him about my problems. You know, I shouldn't even ask for his help, I don't want to waste his time. My father, the man who has to look over five teenagers. He has enough to be doing without me bothering, I'm just gonna leave.

I turn my back and start towards the halls just as I hear, "Where are you going, Raphael?" I stop walking and heave a sigh, I was an idiot for thinking I could just leave so easily.

"I didn't want to waste your time, Sensei." I turn around only to find my father looking at me from his spot over at the tree. My right hand toys with the bandage I have wrapped around my left, and I can feel my heart beating faster than usual.

Splinter frowns at me and strides forward so that he's standing right in front me. My eyes drift down to the floor, where I study the carpets that have been spread out over the cold cement. I can suddenly feel two hands on my shoulders, and my Father's calm, soothing voice speaks to me, grabbing my attention and holding onto it tightly. "My son, is that how you see yourself, as a waste of time?"_ No, I just randomly said that as a pointless excuse,_ I think to myself sarcastically.

My emerald eyes wander up to my father's face, and I meet his eyes for the first time in forever. I force myself to stay strong, to look tough. I don't want my father to see me as weak, do you know how shameful that is? "Yes, because that's what I am." Even my voice is broad, no vulnerability is showing through the surface.

"Why do you think this?"

I sigh and walk away towards the small dresser pressed against the wall. I study the objects that rest there. The picture broadcasting my father, Karai, and Tang Shen, mine and my brother original bowl, some candles. It's beautiful, how perfect the setup is. I can sense Splinter standing behind me, watching me intently as I look over his precious items. "Have you ever been so upset, that you feel like there's nothing left for you anymore? Where you become depressed and suffer as you watch everyone around play and have fun? You say that you're fine, but really you're not. You feel useless, and you know that no one will ever understand just how horrible you feel. So, you hide your feelings, keep them inside, and mold them into anger. You take that freshly molded anger, and take it out on yourself, hiding the evidence as best as you can. Because you know, that if they find out, they'll look at you like you're weak, like you're some sort of kicked puppy. Then people start noticing, they become suspicious and try to figure out your secret. Out of instinct, you run and you hide, as they chase you around trying to track you down. They find out eventually, and they hate you and treat you like a disabled person. You deny and deny while they corner you with hatred. All you want is to be left alone, but they don't want that. So, you suffer, and no one ever looks at you the same again." I shake my head as a tear starts from its home, rolling down my cheek carefully. "That's how I feel, useless and hated. I don't want to distract everyone from having fun. I've caused so many problems for this family..I think you'd all be better off without me." I admit openly. I knew that someone will pry this out of me eventually, might as well just let out by choice rather than force.

I think about what I did earlier this morning, nearly killing Leo and knocking Mikey out cold. Then, I go off drinking only to come back to April telling me how perfect I am and how much she loves me. Now I'm here, complaining about my wrecked life. Why do I think that my father cares? What's he supposed to do about all of this bullshit? Nothing, he can't do anything about it; no one can. I'm left to die on my own.

I hate being this way. Nobody sees my pain, nobody understands it. No one sees the tears rolling down my cheeks, no one sees how deep I cut myself. No one knows about the thoughts in my head, how dark and deadly they are. No one else suffers from depression or suicidal thoughts, no one knows what it's like to be stranded in an abyss of death and anger. I hate myself for being so selfish and self-deprecated. I hate the scars on my wrists and bags under my eyes from loss of sleep. I hate my anger, my hatred towards everything I see.

No one understands me, not one bit. The worst part is how they think that they know every little detail about me; but really, they don't have a clue. I hate myself, I hate all of this. I hate this world, this life.

"My son, we would be lost without you. You may think that you are useless to this team, but you are far from that. You are the protector of your brothers and sister, they would not make it off of the battlefield without your strength. None of us would be happy if you were to die, we would be the exact opposite." My back is still turned to my father, my hands clenched in fists.

"I don't care about the battlefield. Because, your guys' battlefield is the enemy's turf, mine is my mind. I never leave the battlefield, there is no recovery from my battles; no down time." I shake my head as tears begin to form in my tear ducts. Why am I so broken? I'm supposed to be tough, got my brothers, but I'm not. I'm a pathetic bitch, an asshole hated by all. If only I was what they wanted.

I can see my father's reflection on the glass from the picture frame. He looks confused, like he doesn't understand exactly what is going on. I don't blame him, I'm in a state of demoralization myself. How is Splinter supposed to know how to deal with a depressed teen?

"I do not understand what exactly you would like me to do, Raphael." Sensei's eyes fill with a puzzling look, making me question what I do want.

I think, for a while. What do I want? Why did I come in here? Was it because I wanted to get better, or because I wanted to end it all? I don't want to kill myself, I just don't want to suffer. I want everything to be fine again, though I know that nothing ever will be.

I turn around to face my father, and when I do, I look him deep in the eyes. Then, in a pleading, helpless tone, I say this, "I want to get through this my way, with support. No body wants to help me, you're my last hope."

I'm not pretending to be desperate for help, I'm dead serious. I hate this, this constant feeling of worthlessness. I want to be free of it; like how it used to be.

My father doesn't even respond. He just stares at me for a long moment before doing something to me that he hasn't done in forever; not with me, at least.

My Father's warm arms are suddenly wrapped around me, pulling me into a hug that is so comforting, so relieving. I bury my head in his chest, sobbing into his maroon Kimono. I am wrapped in an embrace that I return, and embrace that is more soothing than self harm. Self harm..that's what I've become, isn't it? I've let everyone down..I must change. For the better, not worse. Where do I start, though? A simple sorry should do. Simple, pft. "I am so sorry." My son is muffled, though Splinter clearly understands my words.

"Shh...none of this is your fault. You're just a little lost. We will help, my son, I even if it is the last thing we ever do, we will get you back to normal." Normal, is there even such a thing? It doesn't seem likely, I mean, normal is like perfection, just more boring. I don't think that I can just go back to normal; if I ever was normal.

Me and my father stand, in each other's arms, for what seems like forever. Eventually, though, to my dismay, we pull apart. Tears are still dripping out of my eyes as I look up at my father with a look of recovery. My father smiles down at me, wiping away a tear from my drizzling eyes. A memory appears in my head, and I can't help but cherish it.

Nine years ago, back when me and my brothers were around the age of seven, me and Mikey had been skateboarding around the lair when I fell and scrapped my knee. I played it tough, despite the rapid blessing seeping out of my fresh wound. I recall biting my tongue to hold back my tears, not wanting to look foolish in front of my brothers. Even back then, I was sensitive to what people thought of me. My brothers had continuously tormented me for my scrap, even as I protested against needing help.

I guess that things got out of hand, because soon enough my entire left leg was covered in blood. It just kept coming, and I was beginning to worry that I'd bleed to death. Don fetched Splinter, and he ushered me into the dojo, leaving my brothers in the main room to ponder over the events that occurred all too quickly.

As soon as my brothers were out of earshot, I burst into tears, that scrapped knee being my only problem in life. I remember sobbing as Splinter hurried to clean up my laceration; then the stitches came.

"Bite down on your hand while I do this." My father instructed. I scrunched my eyes in confusion, sniffling as snot threatened to break loose. "W-why?"

"Because, if you make a new pain it will distract you from the larger one. It'll make this easier for you, my son." I did as I was told, and in the end, I stood, looking up at my father with pride in my eyes. He bent down, coming to my height, and wiped away my tears.

I think the whole thing is pretty ironic, to be completely honest. Master Splinter directed me to bite my hand to keep my mind _off_ the bleeding, but now I focus _on_ bleeding to feel better. _Ah, the irony. _

"You are a great young man, Raphael. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise; never." Splinter looks down at me now, speaking in an ordering tone.

I look up at my hero, stuck in a rats body. It truly upsets me that my father can't be in his natural, human state. He deserves it.

"I won't, Sensei."

"So how would you like me to help you recover?" I shift my weight from foot to foot, thinking of a way to help myself feel better. I hadn't really planned that out, I honestly didn't think I'd get this far. "Do you think that I can come in while everyone's on patrol and we can just..like..talk about it? Then we can move on from there?" I suggest, thinking simply.

My father nods. "Of course. We will start in two days." Okay, great, I've got two days to think about all of this messed up bullshit in my life. This should be fun. "Okay, thanks." I'm once again trapped in an embrace, this one shorter, though.

I make my way out of the dojo with a sigh in my throat. As I pass by the main room, I spot Mikey in front of the tv watching Crognard. His wrist left is in a cast, and there's a huge bruises on the back of his head. I cringe at the sight of my injured baby brother, but still manage to walk towards him. "Hey, Mike, I just wanted to let you know that-" before I can finish my sorry, Leonardo interrupts me.

"Get away from him, Raph." Leonardo limps into the main room with a cane, his right leg wrapped in extra bandages. More bandages are wrapped around the top of his head, and his bicep as well. I think back to how bloody his unconscious body was just 10 short hours ago. I hate myself, why did I do this? "He's afraid of you, just leave him alone." Leo hisses at me with a sharp voice. His eyes are filed with a burning hatred that I so rarely see coming from my older brother.

"Leo, I'm so sorry..." I trail off as tears prickle at my eyes, threatening to rain down. Regret builds a wall around me, and I don't think that I'll ever be able to knock it down. I hurt my brothers, my family, my team.

Leonardo shakes his head. "No, no, there are no sorries in this situation. You nearly killed me, and you shoved Mikey and fractured his wrist. You need to just leave and leave us at peace." My brother trembles at his place above the bench. My heart races and blood boils, pumping quickly through my veins.

"But I'm sorry; it was an accident." Desperation fills my shaky voice and I have never been so hurt. My mind is beginning to fill with thousands upon thousands of angry and depressing thoughts. There is only one thought that stands out as bright and hopeful, and that thought is a quote told to me only moments ago; "You are a great young man, Raphael. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise."

"No, I just need you to go away and leave me and my brothers and sister alone, you are no longer one of us." A sword to my heart, that's what those words were. I'm drowning now, with Leo holding me under. _You're a great young man, Raphael. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. _

Okay, I won't. I'll just give them some space and hope that they come around. "Okay, well, I hope that you all recover quickly. Goodbye." My feet move at a normal pace, taking me to my room.

As I shut the door, I allow a tear to slide down my cheek. My wrappings are removed, resulting to me staring down at my cuts. I reach for my Sai, and grin as I form more and more cuts. All over my wrists, under my mask, under the wrappings on my feet. I cut wherever I can hide them, and in the end, I'm a mess of blood and stabs. "Beautifully morbid." I murmur to myself, the only person who has ever listened.

...

_I may seem crazy_

_Or painfully shy_

_And these scars wouldn't be so hidden_

_If you would just look me in the eye_

_I feel alone here and cold here_

_Though I don't want to die_

_But the only anesthetic that makes me_ _feel anything kills inside_

_I do not want to be afraid_

_I do not want to die inside just to_ _breathe in_

_I'm tired of feeling so numb_

_Relief exists I find it when_

_I am cut_

_Pain_

...

**Well, that was chapter 16. I hope you enjoyed it, please review! There won't be any updates for nearly two weeks, sorry guys. If you review, though, I'll update sooner! So review or suffer. Enjoy your weekend!**

**-RaphSai03**


	17. Forever

**Hello everyone! Thank you so much for being so patient, sorry for the delay. Thanks for the reviews, loved reading them. I just want to say that i hope you all enjoy chapter 17 and hopefully you will review. **

**17**

I lay down on my hammock bed, teary eyes blurring my vision. I'm so pathetic. Breaking down in front of my father because I want help, and then coming in here only to mark cuts all over my body. I'm two-faced, half of me wanting to recovery while the other just wants to feel pain.

What do I want? What do I truly want? I want to cut, I want to cut and feel physical pain so that I can forget the mental, emotional pain that lurks in the pits of my broken heart.

What do I need? What do I truly need? I need to get better, to feel safe once more. To be able to smile and laugh and joke around with my beloved family once more.

Wants and needs, cuts and smiles, I'm caught in the middle of the two. Do what I want, or do I what I need? It's like trying to decide between spending your money on buying yourself a fancy new tv or paying your rent. It's one or the other; you cannot have both.

I breathe in rather loudly, holding the air in my lungs for just ah extra moment before releasing. Inhale, exhale, over and over.

My room is dark, the only sound is my shallow breaths and frequent sniffles. My mask is back on, along with all of my wrappings. My body aches from too many open cuts, some on my feet, many on my wrists, one crossing over my eye; nothing showing. Not one, they are all hidden beneath ragged cloths that me and my three brothers must wear.

_Brothers..._

I miss them so much. All three of them, along with my sister, Karai. I miss them and would give anything to be able to hold them all in my arms for just one split second. But I can't, I have lost their trust and will most likely never again get to call them my family.

Leonardo's harsh words ring in my head, causing me to shiver from beneath red quilt with the Hamato logo in black in the center. "_I just need you to go away and leave me and my brothers and sister alone, you are no longer one of us." _They're _his_ brothers and sister, not _my_ brothers and sister. Though, I suppose that I deserve this punishment of being shunned. After all, I did much damage to each and every one of them.

Suddenly, the deadly silence is broken by a faint knock on my bedroom door, and a soft whisper of a soul. "Raph, you up?" Michelangelo's voice is soothing and brings a small, pain filled smile to my face. I love him so much, but he's afraid of me. _According to Leonardo, at least. _

"You need to leave, Mikey, you're not supposed to be near me." Why am I shoving him away when every bone in my body is desperate to hold him in my arms?

A sigh escapes my baby brother from behind the door, which I can hear being creaked open. I can sense Mikey watching me from the door way, and I muster up the strength to sit up and turn around, facing my brother. What I see kills me.

Michelangelo's eyes are leaking tears, just as mine are. His arm is in a cast, with doodles drawn all over it. Big, dark bruises litter his adorable face and head. The worst part of all of this? The fact that this was all caused by me.

"Mike..." I can't even speak correctly, I'm too frightened. What if I say the wrong thing? It could emotionally scar him, and I don't want to do that.

"I'm not afraid of you, Raph. I don't hate you, either. Everything that Leo told you earlier was a lie; don't let his words get to you." Why does he sound more like a soldier now than an innocent teen?

I shake my head. "I don't care what Leo said, you can't be here, not with me, I'm too dangerous. Until I figure everything out I need you to just stay away."

"Why?! So that you can sit here and cut yourself and think about every little thing you screwed up in life?" Who is this boy? Not Mikey, that's for sure. "I'm sorry, but I can't do that. You don't know how hard it's been for me lately, to watch everyone pick on you only for you to take it. You think you deserve this, but you don't. You think that you're doing us a favor when you lock yourself in this room and make cuts all over your body, but, the only thing you do is hurt yourself. There's no benefits for anyone in situations like this."

My eyes are wide and my mouth gangs open. Dozens of words are lined up at the back of my throat, all pushing and shoving, begging to come out to play. But I cannot speak. I'm too awestruck by my brothers touching words to speak.

"I talked to Donnie about this the other day, and he broke down in tears. He says that it breaks his heart, talking to you about this every day after patrol. Don told me that he can't help but feel your pain every time you tell him about your new cuts and why you made them. He doesn't even know how to help, he's so scared for you. We all are. Even Leo, though he doesn't act like it."

I'd rather be fighting the Shredder one on one than have to listen to this right now. It's just too traumatic to listen to. My brothers actually care?

"Basically what I'm trying to say here, is that I'm not going to let you think that you're just some jackass loving with us, because you're far more valuable than that. You are my brother, and Donnie's brother. Leo's and Karai's, too." Michelangelo passes and looks down at the floor, then back up at me. "And I want you to do me a favor."

He wants _me_ to do _him_ a favor? What could I possibly do for him? "What- what do you want me to do?" I gulp, slightly afraid of what the answer will be.

"Every time you have to cut, I want you to take my arm and cut as many times as you need to." What? How does that even make any sense?

"I can't do that to you, I couldn't hurt you like that, you mean too much to me." Then, everything clicks together, and a door opens. Everything begins to make sense. What my baby brother just said to me makes me open my eyes and truly see what is going through everyone's head as they watch me suffer. Pain, they feel pain.

"You mean too much to me, too, Raphael. Please don't cut, please, give me your blades. Me and Donnie will take care of them, we promise." Suddenly, I notice the second figure standing just beyond Mikey, my other little brother, with tears in his eyes as well. A smile forms on my face, they love me, they want to help me. I nod, I'll give up my Sai and my sharpener blades, I'll give up the glass shards I have hidden in my desk drawers. Why? Because I love my brothers, and my sister, and my girlfriend, and my father. I love them all so much, so I will surrender my weapons, and I will recover.

I stand up and walk over to my desk, where my blood stained twin Sai lays. I pick them up, and when I turn around, Donatello meets my glance, holding an open duffle bag filled with blades that I figure to be his own, and perhaps Mikey's old ones. Reading my thoughts, Donnie clarifies. "We gave up our own blades recently, we've just been waiting for the perfect chance to take yours in as well." I give my purple cladded brother a small, sad smile as I drop my weapons into the black bag. I retrieve my other blades and drop them in as well. Within minutes, the task is done and me and my brothers stand in silence.

I turn to my desk lamp and turn it on, wanting to free myself of the darkness that already pollutes my mind. The three of us wince at the sudden light, but soon adjust to it. "I just want to say thank you, both of you, I think this is really going to help."

Both of my brothers look at me with smiles on their faces, and Donatello speaks for the both of them. "What kind of brothers would we be if we didn't help?"

I suddenly can't resist the urge, I walk forward and wrap my arms around my two little brothers, so very grateful to have them here with me on this dark night. "I love you both so much." I whisper to them.

"We love you too, Raph, don't ever forget that. _Ever_." Michelangelo murmurs back.

When we pull back, I can feel a bond forming between us. Trust is earned, and I know that I can always count on them to have my back when I need them.

"Do you guys wanna watch a movie?" Donatello suggests. Me and Mikey nod, following our science-loving brother put to the main room. I wrap my arm around Mike's shoulder as he walk, and he leans his head on mine. "I'm glad to have ya back, Raph." I whispers to me as we sit down on the bench together.

"I never left, little bro. I never left." I sit in between me two brothers, both of them leaning on me to support their tired bodies as we watch the Dark Knight. Just before I drift off into my own dream land, I make a silent vow to become my brothers Dark Knight Rises.

The last thing I hear is a quote that I can relate to, that I can live by.

_"Not many people understand what it's like to be angry in your bones. I mean they understand, Foster parents, everybody understands for a while. Then they want the angry little kid to do something he knows he can't do; Move on. So after a while they stop understanding, they send the angry kid to a boys home. I figured it out too late; you gotta figure out how to hide the anger, practice smiling in front of the mirror. It's like putting on a mask." _

* * *

**Leonardo Pov**

I lean my shell against the kitchen doorway as I gaze out into the main room, eyeing my sleeping brothers carefully. They apparently fell asleep watching Dark Knight Rises, I woke up this morning only to see the movie replaying itself. Raphael is sleeping in the middle, his arms wrapped around Donnie and Mikey, who are both resting their head on Raphael's shoulder. Raph's head is leaning backwards, and I put a pillow under him when I turned the tv off this morning.

I lift my coffee mug up to my lips, swallowing another mouthful of the bittersweet beverage. I've never been a very big coffee person, that's always been Raph and Donnie. You have to have a mug prepared for each of them by the time they enter the kitchen, otherwise they're both more short tempered than usual.

I heave a sigh as my eyes wander over to Raphael, studying his sleeping for as if there's something important there. I screwed up yesterday, I really did. What I said to him..I can't even think about it without wincing. The way he looked at me as I denied his apology, he looked so desperate and broken. It scared me to death, seeing my hard-as-rock brother pleading guilty. I never thought I'd see the day where Raphael admitted his faults and asked for an acceptance l of his apology, but I did, and how I reacted to it was unacceptable. Instead of letting him in, I pushed him out further. I said that he wasn't my brother, that he was no longer "one of us." How could I? That was horrible, what ever was running through my mind was just wrong. I..I need to find away to apologize for my behavior.

Just because I'm sorry, though, doesn't leave him off the hook. What he did during training was dramatic and uncalled for. Choking me and then staving me? What the shell was that for? Not to mention the huge gash in the back of my head and my sprang ankle. And my hips, oh my hips hurt like heck. He just kept kicking me, over and over. What did I do to deserve that? Nothing, nothing at all. Sure, I probably possessed him off for saying all that stuff during our duel, but it was a part of our lesson. As Splinter said, and I quote, _"Do not hesitate to insult your opponent, hurting them is the key to success in this lesson."_ Raphael should've known better than to go all psycho-killer on me. Perhaps I went to far, though? No, couldn't be, his words were so horrible, but I didn't act like the way he did. Hm, maybe I should just talk to him later. Ya, after breakfast I'll ask him to go on a walk with me and we'll talk then.

I'm whisked out of my thoughts when I feel to arms wrap around my waist and a chin on my shoulder. I grin as I glance over at the beautiful face next to mine. "Good morning." I say quietly, not wanting to wake my sleeping brothers. Me and Karai almost never have alone time, so we haven't really had time to discuss our feelings we're each holding towards each other. They're obviously there, I mean we did kiss on patrol a couple weeks ago. Luckily, no one saw; I think.

"Morning. Can we talk? Your brothers are asleep." I shake my head in disagreement with her words. "They're your brothers too, Karai, you're apart of our family now."

"I know I am. I just don't _feel_ like I am." Stepping away from Karai, I grab the blankets substituting a door and drag it so its covering the doorway. Then I turn around and walk over to the island, sitting down on one stool with Karai across from me. "Why?" I ask, referring to recent statement.

"I don't know, I just... Your brothers never really make an effort to communicate with me, and yesterday while you and Raph were dueling he kept saying that your brothers needed you, nothing about a sister. I feel apart of the family while I'm with father, I am his daughter and I know for a fact that he considers me family, it's when I'm with you and your brothers that I feel like an outcast." Well, that does make sense. I'm the only one of my, _our_, brothers who have ever attempted to communicate with Karai. Deep down I know that Donnie, Mikey, and Raph all consider Karai our sister, but each of them have their own individual doubts.

I can tell by the way Donatello looks at Karai that he still doesn't fully trust her. And I guess I don't blame him entirely, I mean she was raised by the shredder so I guess that makes sense, but she willingly joined our side of the fight, Donnie should trust her just for that.

Michelangelo's cautiousness around Karai is nothing short of obvious. He's very observant, keeping a close eye on our new family member. When speaking around Karai his replies are short and solemn, never talking too long. There's always a bit of fright gleaming in his eyes, and I often take the time to ponder why it is there.

Then there's Raphael, I grudge holder. Raph has never been one to "Forgive and Forget," he would much rather hold every mistake you've ever made against you. Which is exactly why him and Karai never interest. He can't see past the Foot Soldier Karai once was, he cannot bring himself to notice the elegant Hamato Warrior that she is now. The way Raphael speaks to her, with a low, grave tone, it pisses me off. Karai is a great young woman, deserving to be treated with respect.

So maybe my brothers don't look at Karai like me or Splinter, but maybe they just need a little time to warm up to her. "They'll come around, they always do." I say, thinking back to April and Casey and how long it took for the four of us to fully accept them into our clan.

"I hope so." Karai admits in a whisper.

With a sad, reassuring smile on my face, I grab Karai's hand and squeeze it, lending her some confidence to light up her beautiful Amber eyes. "Don't worry about it. Even if Donnie, Mikey, and Raph never grow to like you, I'll always love you." I lean forward and press a soft kiss to Karai's blushing cheeks.

_Is this a sin? To be kissing my sister? Most certainly not, she is only an adoptive sister. Though if it is, then wouldn't that make me as bad as Raphael? _

* * *

**Raphael Pov**

I wake to find myself in the main room, a pillow under my head and my younger brothers under my arms. The TV has been shut off and the only light is coming from behind me, most likely from the kitchen. I grunt as I sit up, immediately waking up my brothers. "Uh, morning already?" Mikey groans as he rubs his eyes free off any sleepiness.

"I don't think I've slept that long in nearly a year." Donatello says in a groggy tone as he sits up and yawns.

I chuckle at my brother. "Well ya, with you fallin' asleep in your lab every night around 3 am only get four hours of sleep." Donnie punches my bicep playfully and I slight grin appears on my face.

Mikey, being the observant guy that he is, notices my change of attitude quickly. "Aw, is Raphie smiling?"

"If you don't quite teasin' no one'll be smilin' for a while." I threaten in a mischievous voice, to which Mikey giggles.

"Come on guys, let's go get something for breakfast." Donnie stands up and starts towards the kitchen, me and Mikey following close behind.

When I enter the kitchen, I can't help but roll my eyes and growl faintly. Karai and Leonardo are talking quietly at the island, all smiles and flirty eyes as they sip coffee. Donatello told me about how he saw them kissing on patrol one day, and I can't help but be mad at my brother for committing such a transgression.

"Good morning." Mikey chirps as he walks into the Kitchen.

"Morning, you guys must've been pretty tired, you fell asleep on the bench." Leonardo states the obvious with a cheerful expression.

Sarcasm running through my veins, I fold my arms across my upper plastron. "Oh really, I was wondering why I wasn't in my bed. Thanks for the clarification, Fearless." I roll my eyes and stalk over to the fridge and pull a water out, opening it and taking a gulp of the chilled refreshment.

I'm not trying to be rude, it's just that Leo gave me the perfect opportunity and I took it. Also, when you wake up to see your two older siblings flirting with each other, you tend to get angry at them.

"Hey, Raph, after your done eating breakfast would you accompany me on a walk? Just us two?" Eh, why not? There's no training today, do to obvious reasons, so I've got nothing better to do.

I nod my head. "I'm not that hungry, though. Do you wanna just go now?"

"Sure, let's go." I follow Leonardo out of the Lair, and when we're about a quarter mile away from home, my brother begins speaking. "I just want to start out by saying that I am sorry for what I said yesterday. I shouldn't have been so quick to dodge your apology, and I most certainly should not have told you weren't my brother, because you are."

What do I say to this? An apology that sounds like it was rehearsed, not real. Maybe he's only apologizing because he feels he has to, or maybe Splinter overheard what happened yesterday and ordered Leonardo to apologize to me. But maybe that's not true, maybe Leo means these words, perhaps he wants things to get better between us rather than worse.

"It's not even that big of a deal really I mean, I've gotten over it and-"

Leonardo steps in front of me, stopping me from moving forward. He places his hands on my shoulders and looks me deep in the eyes, making me feel uncomfortable. "Don't lie, okay? Just, don't lie to me any longer. You didn't get over it, and it was a pretty big deal. I know that you don't like apologies, whether your giving or receiving them, but I still need you to understand that I am sorry and that I regret saying that."

I nod my head, unable to find any words to express what's going through my mind. All I know right now is that I'm on a road to recovery, and every time someone shows even the slightest bit of love towards me I take one step forward, slowly straying away from long days of depression and self harm.

"And I am sorry for trying to kill you. I wasn't mentally prepared for that lesson, and I got little sensitive."

"A little?"

"Okay, a lot sensitive." I correct myself. "Point is, I'm very sorry for what I did, and I just want things to be good between us. Because I can't stand waking up every morning knowing that me and my big brother are cross." Openly expressing myself, I stare at Leonardo with determination and hopefulness.

"I want things to be better too, little bro." Leonardo moves his arms off of my shoulders and instead around me, pulling me in for a hug, of which I gratefully accept.

Maybe things will get better for me. With Splinter agreeing to listen to me express my deepest issues and fears every day, with Donatello and Michelangelo helping me keep my blades out of reach, and with Leonardo supporting me and willing to go back to being my best friend, I think I will be alright. There's always light at the end of the tunnel, and with every passing second I just get closer and closer to it.

...

_Sometimes I feel so cold_

_Like I'm waiting around all by myself_

_Loneliness gets so old_

_I'm in the lost and found sitting on the shelf_

_Been stuck for way too long_

_But I hear Your voice_

_You're who I'm counting on_

_Oh, tell me You're here_

_That You will watch over me forever_

_Oh, take hold of my heart_

_Show me You'll love me forever_

_..._


	18. Just Takes a Little Push

**Thank you so much for the reviews, I really loved reading them. I'm glad everyone is enjoying this dark story, and I hope you will leave more reviews. This chapter is very short, and has a quote at the end instead of song lyrics. Because of how short this chapter is, I'll make a deal with you all. If I get three review by tomorrow morning at 11am, then I will update this story next. If not, then I will go through and update all of my other stories and then this one. Just a little motivation. Anyway, enjoy and review. **

**18**

Iwalk into the dojo to find my father preparing two mugs of tea in the far corner of the room. To his suggestion, I brought a drawing pad and some pencils so I could sketch while speaking, apparently it helps relieve stress and anger. I walk across the room, my feet rubbing against the rough carpets covering concrete floors. Two days passed and my siblings are all on patrol for the next three hours, meaning that I'll have some time to just...talk.

My feet stop and I sit down in front of the miniature table, immediately opening my notebook to a fresh page. I pull out a pencil and eraser. I stare at my blank page with a question in my mind; what shall I draw? I rack through my thoughts and images in my mind, but fail to find anything worthy of a sketch. I guess I'll just wait until I start speaking. Maybe when the words roll out of my mouth a picture will roll onto the page.

"Good evening, my son." My father approaches me with two empty mugs and a tea kettle. He sits across from me, pouring steaming tea into each mug.

"Good evening, Father." A small smile grows on my father's lips as I call him 'Father' rather than 'Sensei' or 'Master Splinter.'

"How have you been since we last spoke?" Two days have passed, the sun has both risen and fallen twice, making me two days older, two days closer to death. I don't know how I feel about that, happy or sad?

"Better than usual. Me and Donnie and Mikey have been hangin' out a lot more. And they helped me get rid of my blades. That's why I don't have my Sai on me. Also, I think things are going to get better between me and Leo." I respond, eyes wandering over my blank sheet of paper as I continue to question what to draw.

"I am happy to hear that you and your brothers are growing closer, I know that they will help you a great deal on your journey to salvation."

"Hai, Sensei." My eyes meet Splinters for a split second as I say these words.

"Now, let's get started, shall we?" I sit up a bit straighter, wanting to look determined. "Perhaps it would help if you told me how all of this started. Why did you turn to self harm? How does it make you feel?"

I don't hesitate to launch into story, I just start talking, billions of words rambling out of my mouth. "I started a year and a half ago, back when I was 14. It was December, and things were seeming to be more difficult than usual. Leonardo was announced leader in September, and as he switched roles from a fellow student to a leader, he also left behind himself, practically forgetting that he was my brother. Leo changed so much, pushing his old life aside. Instead of watching TV or hanging with me in his free time, he instead trains or meditates. Now, I do understand that he is the leader of this team, and that means that he has to stay focused, there isn't a lot of time for goofing off; I get that. I know that Leonardo was making all of these changes and self sacrifices for the team, and I appreciate that greatly. He just changed so much so fast, one day he was skate boarding through the sewers with me, and the next he was spending an extra hour or two in the dojo, practicin' his kata's." I hadn't realized it till now, but my pencil had started moving as my lips did. It's just a small sketch so far, I can't really tell what it is, but it's something. "Training was getting more intense, too. Two spars a day, longer hours spent in the dojo, having to wear all of these bandages and knee and elbow pads. Change was on the uprising, and I saw it coming. I was constantly getting punished for picking on my brothers, constantly being yelled at. By now, I have your _'learn to control your anger'_ lectures glued to my mind, I sometimes recite the strict words when I've screwed up. Leonardo's stone cold gaze has been memorized as well. That feeling was so unbearable. Your words, Leo's stare, one day it was just too much."

My father listens carefully, watching my lips move up and down as syllable after syllable comes flinging out of my mouth. I'm surprised he hasn't intersected into the conversation, hasn't stood up to defend himself or Leo. Nah, he just sits there, patiently listenin' to my rough voice confess my emotions.

"We'd been sparring once again, my opponent was Mikey. I got a little rough, accidentally dislocating his shoulder. I felt so bad, I river of guilt flooded my mind, I wasn't able to see past my remorse. Mike accepted my apology, it was easily fixed, he could tell I was sorry. You and Leonardo weren't as quick to forgive, though. You both yelled at me. Leonardo called me selfish and heartless and it was just too much! Too much judgment, too much rage, too much hostility. I felt alienated in my own home, I just wanted to be treated as equally as my brothers. Course, I've never gotten what I want." My drawing is becoming clear. It's two teens, one with his arm sling over the others shoulder. Their backs are facing me as they stand on the edge of a building, looking happy and free. Who are these two teens? Me and my big brother.

"I was sent to my room and late that night I made my first few cuts. There was one big detail to it all, though, that sorta sealed the deal, that put the bottomless self loath into my mind." My biggest secret, largest regret. Thinking back the distant memory, shame floods into my brain.

"And what was that one detail?" My father states at me intently, most likely racking through his brain trying to figure out just I am talking about.

I take my drawing pad and set it on the floor. I bring my knees up to my plastron, wrapping arms around my legs tightly. Inhale, exhale. Breathe in, breathe out.

"It was more of an action. I don't know why I did it, or _tried_ it, but I did. And I have been drowning in disgrace for the past 19 months." I close my eyes and hold my breath. 1...2...3... When I open my eyes, I heave a sigh, and the world looks ten times clearer. "That night, when everyone was asleep, I took my Sai, and I attempted something horrible. I turned into a monster, and I am ashamed of what I did. I left my room with a scowl on my face and hellish words floating in my mind. My feet took me to Leonardo's room. I crept in silently, and, in full stealth mode, I sulked over to my brothers bed. I held my Sai over his throat, ready to murder my big brother, my best friend. I was just about to bring my blade down, when I snapped back to reality. Terrified and in a state of shock, I stumbled backwards, then darted to my room. I cut myself, vowing to hurt myself rather than others. I have lived by that vow ever since." Silent tears strip the of my sanity, making me appear weak and vulnerable. I am no longer that warrior I claim to be, but instead the monster I've said I'd never become.

I tried to kill my family, and would've succeeded, too, if I hadn't realized what I'd done.

Good thing I did, otherwise I'd be insane.

...

_"__Madness, as you know, is like gravity. It just takes a little push." -Joker_

_..._


	19. Monster

**You guys never seize to amaze me, you know that? I promised that I'd update this story again if I got three reviews by 11 o'clock yesterday morning. I woke up at exactly 11:00, and already had six reviews! I got two later on in the day, making for 8 reviews for a chapter that was less than 2,000 words. Like, OMIGOD I love you all so much! I special shout out to RBBH, for glueing a smile to my face all day. I never thought that my writing was that good, so you saying that i am gifted in writing. :) Please enjoy and review on this chapter!**

**19**

I sit in my room with my head phones on, my shell leaning against a wall, my head leaning back. Eyes shut, arms laying on my knees. Lyrics blare into my ears, soothing me, calming me.

_ "Mayday! Mayday! The ship is slowly sinking. They think I'm crazy but they don't know the feeling. They're all around me, Circling like vultures. They wanna break me and wash away my colors. Wash away my colors." _

My Demons, by Starset. How can a song be so relatable? How is it that I can take a series of words, and be able to fit them into my life perfectly? Wash away my colors...that's what all of this madness has done to me, I am broken, and may not be able to be fixed.

"_Take me high and I'll sing! Oh you make everything okay, okay, okay, 'Kay, Okay, Okay. We are one in the same, Oh you take all of the pain away, away, away, 'Way, away, away. Save me if I become, My demons!" _

I still can't believe I confessed all of that to Splinter earlier, it was all so personal. Ever since our little "chat" I've been questioning why it is so easy to open up and talk to him, when it takes every fiber in my being just to tell my brothers I'm doing alright. I suppose that it's because he's my father, the one who raised me. My brothers grew up with me, always picking on me and fighting with me. Though, Master Splinter has yelled at me a lot in my life, so what makes him so comforting? Maybe I'll never know.

_ "I cannot stop this sickness taking over. It takes control and drags me into nowhere. I need your help, I can't fight this forever. I know you're watching,_

_I can feel you out there!" _

Ah, these lyrics describe my current situation perfectly. I want to rid myself of my depression and self harming ways, but I can't. It's controlling me. I need help, this isn't a battle I can go into alone.

_ "Take me high and I'll sing. Oh you make everything okay, okay, okay, 'Kay, Okay, Okay. We are one in the same, Oh you take all of the pain away, away, away, 'Way, away, away. Save me if I become, My demons!" _

When will this end, when will things get better for me? Will it be tomorrow, next week, next year? Or will I have to wait until my next life? Will that life even be worth living?

"_Take me over the walls below. Fly forever, Don't let me go. I need a savior to heal my pain. When I become my worst enemy, The enemy_."

The enemy...I don't even know who it is anymore. Is it the demons that infest my head, or the man hunting down family? Is it me, or the Shredder? Raphael, or Saki? Is it bad that I can't tell the difference between the good guys and the bad guys anymore? Who am I, and what have I become?

"_Take me high and I'll sing, Oh you make everything okay. We are one in the same, Oh you take all of the pain away."_

As words stream through my headphones, and into my ears, pain lurches in my heart. I'm such a sinner, attempting to kill my family, attempting to kill myself. If I could just go back and undo everything, I would. Well..would I? This is who I am; anger, depression, fear, and broken. Do I really want to give that up? To instead be happy, peaceful, bubbly, and healed? I believe that everything happens for a reason, and I think that something good is going to come out of this. Maybe not good for me, maybe good for my brothers. One thing that I love about myself is how I'm willing to make self sacrifices for my brothers. I will fight any war, as long as it means that my brothers will return home without a bruise on their bodies.

"Raph?" Leonardo's voice calls from behind my door. I take my headphones off and unplug my phone, sliding it into my belt pocket. I stand up and walk over to the door, opening it and coming face to face with my brother. "Can I come in?" He asks, looking over my shoulder. What do I got to loose? I shrug and open the door wider, stepping away and towards my hammock bed. I sit down, watching my older brother, my fearless leader, as he glances around my room, an expression on his face making it seem as if he's looking for something.

As I watch my brothers eyes travel over my personal objects, I rummage through my memories, searching for anything I could get in trouble for owning. My blades are gone, hiding from me in Donatello's large, black duffle bag. But, I have alcohol in my closet. Three, foot tall bottles of Vodka. They're well hidden, so I can assume that Leo won't find them, but if he honestly came in here in search of something then he might just find it.

"Why did you want to come in here, exactly?" I ask my wandering brother.

"Oh, ya, I wanted to talk to you about something." I sit up a little straighter, as if to say 'Continue.' "Master Splinter informed me on what you said earlier."

Alarms set off in my head, my heart beats faster with every passing second, and I can practically feel my blood pressure spiking in ways it shouldn't. Fear becomes adrenaline, my anxiety taking over. Sweat streams down the back of my neck as I think back to my earlier conversation with Splinter. He told Leo about my secret, about how I contemplated a plane to kill my family; starting with Leonardo. Who could he, my own father, betray me in such a way?

"What exactly did he tell you?" My voice trembles, as do my fingers, laying limply at my sides.

Leonardo stares at me with a tilted head and a confused expression. "About how you confessed to how hard it's been for you since I became leader. Why, was there something else I should know about?"

I heave a sigh I didn't realize I'd been holding, and relief comes setting in. "No, no, there isn't anything else you should know about."

Leonardo throws a small smile my way; making it clear that I don't have him fooled. "There is something, isn't there? You just don't want to tell me?" How is it that he can see through my lies as if they were as clear as glass?

"Ya, that's it." Shame rules my voice as I scratch the back of my neck, my flustered cheeks practically burning. "I'll tell you eventually; but for now I need to figure it out myself." A deal, a promise, yet another lie.

Leonardo nods, his head bobbing up and down in a way describing satisfaction. "Anyway, I wanted to talk to you about what you said earlier. Did you mean that? Do you really miss the times we used to be closer?" What do you mean did I mean it? Of course I did, I wouldn't just make that shit up. And I don't miss the times when we were closer, I _long_ for it. I long for the days where I could rest my head underneath Leonardo's wing of protection, when I could cry on his shoulder during times of despair. That can't happen anymore, though. We're warriors now, not children. The two of us have seen things that one can only imagine. Things so horrible that, if not prepared, could scar you for life.

"Well obviously it's true. Why would I make something like that up?" Leonardo's smile widens, taking a brick away from the barrier I've built around my heart, keeping everyone out. Brick by brick my wall begins to fall. Ever slowly, my heart is being freed by the kindness of my loved ones.

"So you do miss me?"

I stand up and throw my hands up in the air in an act of defeat. "Yes, Leo, I miss you! I wish that we could be best friends again, I wish that we could sneak out in the middle of the night to catch a movie, I wish that we could talk to each other as equals, I wish that we could play video games together in the dead of night just because the nightmares are too unbearable! I wish that we could, but we _can't_. Cannot. Because we're Ninja's; you're my leader and I'm your follower. There is no time for fun and games when there's a battlefield waiting for us." I sound desperate, I know I do. But I don't care, because what I said is true. Me and Leo can't be as close as we once were, too much has happened in that time we spent apart.

Leonardo shakes his head, he ain't ready to agree with me. "No, Raph, we _can_ do all of that stuff. There's nothing stopping us! We have so much free time, we haven't seen Shredder or the Kraang in weeks. No one will be there to stop us from having fun."

"And that's where you're wrong, Dear Ol' Brother of mine! As long as you're with me, there is always someone to stop us." My hands curl into fists as my depression rises in my mind, blackening everything in my sight. A sudden urge to protect Leonardo stabs at my heart, sending an electrifying bolt of pain through my chest.

"What are you trying to say?"

I clench my teeth, hissing my next phrase. "I'm a monster." I squeeze my eyes together and lean my head back, trying my absolute hardest to put the pain at bay. Why now, why here? If I can't get my depression, my anger, under control then I may just blow once again. "I'm out of control, Leo, I can't be close to anyone until I figure out what's wrong with me. I just need some time to myself."

Leonardo gives me a face of pure annoyance. "But what if there isn't time? Have you ever thought about that, Raphael? What if, unless you let us in, you are going to die? What if the only way for you to get better is to open up and express yourself?"

"That's exactly what I'm doing with Splinter and Donnie every fucking day, Leonardo!" I shout with death like fire raging in my eyes. Why am I so ducked up? This is pathetic, I'm pathetic, I was just so calm, but not anymore! I'm bipolar, depression, I have anxiety, social anxiety. I cannot control myself, I have demons crawling beneath my skin, death sounds safer than this.

"You're better than this, you can get better, I know you can. You just need a little reassurance and help, then you'll be back to normal." Normal, I hate that word. What is normal? Happiness? Fairness? Equality? Because if so, I'll never be 'normal.'

"I am a monster, I freak, and I need I promise that I will let you in, but first I need to get through everything with Donnie and Splinter's help."

Leonardo sighs, probably fed up with me and my nonsense. "This is stupid, it doesn't make any sense. You're perfectly fine, Raphael, there's no reason for you to be like this. You have the coolest life ever, you're a mutant turtle that gets to save millions of people every day. You're a hero. You have an amazing girlfriend, and fun brothers and an exhilarating sister. You're almost a full trained ninja, and you have anything you want in the palm of your hand, thanks to Donnie. What isn't there to love about that? Why is it that you have to be so selfish, complaining that no one understands you and that you're a 'monster?' Why can't you just be grateful for what you do have?" My brother spits the words out in a disgusted tone. He hates me, I know he does, he wants me to just give up this act. And I would. If it were an act.

"Please leave my room." I mutter, eyes fixed on the concrete my feet balance on. It may look like I'm on solid ground, but I feel like I'm walking on thin ice.

"What? No, I'm not leaving you alone, I know what loneliness does to you, and I am not taking any chances." Determination floods Leonardo's voice as the dam around me rattles, water seeping through the cracks.

"I SAID PLEASE LEAVE MY ROOM!" Blood curdling screams come rushing out of my vocal chords, and Leonardo obeys, slamming the door on his way out.

Once again I'm alone. Only literally, though, not figuratively. Figuratively, I'm being crowded by my own thoughts. I can't let Leonardo see me like this, I can't talk to Donnie about this anymore, only Splinter. My brothers can't know about any of this, it's far too dangerous. Maybe one day I'll admit to my faults, and allow them to show affection towards me once more. But until then, they shall know nothing. I will live my life in a secret, shutting everyone and everything out.

Including April.

* * *

I rock back and forth, a dead look in my blood red eyes. I haven't slept all day, and it's already 5:30 am. I'll have to be up and ready for training in an hour and a half. I know I should sleep, but I can't. Too much is on my mind, shouting at me to man up and grow up. Leonardo's harsh words scream at me just as they have for the past ten hours. My nails scratch at the floors. Leo's right, I can't handle loneliness. I was perfectly fine earlier, listening to music. But that was because I was distracted. I want to get better, but the depression is too strong. My demons fly around me, keeping me in chains as I move forward in life.

* * *

The secret side of me

I never let you see

I keep it caged

But I can't control it

So stay away from me

The beast is ugly

I feel the rage

And I just can't hold it

It's scratching on the walls

In the closet, in the halls

It comes awake

And I can't control it

Hiding under the bed

In my body, in my head

Why won't somebody come and save me from this?

Make it end!

I feel it deep within,

It's just beneath the skin

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I hate what I've become

The nightmare's just begun

I must confess that I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster

I, I feel like a monster

* * *

**Chapter 19 everyone. Sorry if this chapter was too sketchy, and if Raphael keeps switching back and forth between calm and uncontrollable, but he's bipolar and depressed in this story. So, ya, Raphael is shutting everyone out, hopefully he can get everything under control soon. Please review, I'll update sooner. Have a nice week. **

**-RaphSai03 **


	20. The Grey

**Thank you so much for the reviews! Right now, this seems to be my number one story. Anyway, were nearing 100 reviews, and like I do with all of my other stories, reviewer number 100 gets spoilers (if they want, of course) So use that as motivation to review. Anyway, please enjoy and review!**

**20**

_Beep, beep, beep. _My alarm clock goes off just as I was dozing off. Exhaustion surrounds me as my eyes dart over to the screaming machine. Clenching my left hand into a fist, I pound the machine, listening as the sound slowly dies out, a static like noise finishing it. It's now that I realize that I didn't push the snooze button, I didn't punch it, either, I completely smashed the alarm clock. A low growl rises in my throat, today is not starting our very well at all. I only got a half hour of sleep, my thoughts kept me awake all night long, words echoing throughout the caverns of my brain as I raced down corridors, trying my absolute hardest to find sleep. Obviously I failed...

I force myself to sit up, despite my need for sleep. I let out a grunt the second my feet touch the ground, and gather up the energy to hoist myself into a standing position. Although I am awake, I feel like I'm going to pass out. Gah, why couldn't I have just gotten some sleep? Well, there's no going back, I'm just gonna have to get through training and then take a nap. Ah, a nice, long nap. Sounds great. Maybe April will join me, if she's here today. Schools out for her, with it being mid July. She comes over on the weekends, and sometimes during the week. Today is Saturday, so she should be here. Maybe.

I trudge out of my room, into the kitchen. Everyone's already seated at the island, chatting as they eat their breakfast. Leonardo and Karai are the first ones I see when I come into the room, engaged in a conversation, whispering quietly with romantic looks in their eyes. My own wander down towards the floor, but are stopped midway when I see Karai rubbing her foot against Leonardo's leg. I roll my eyes, an instant scowl on my face as I tread towards my seat at the far end of the island, Leonardo sitting directly across from me. As I sit down, my girlfriends wonderful sky blue eyes land on me, a happy grin melting into a hesitant frown. "Are you okay, you'll look..well.._bad_."

Just as my lips departed, words lined up, ready to answer, a laugh escaped Michelangelo's cheerful form. "Dude, you look like you got hit with a truck!" Laughter echoes off the walls, taunting me as my stare drifts down to the coffee in front of me. I'm not in the mood for being pestered, I'm not in the mood for anything right now, actually. Everything is just so fucking irritating.

"Shut up." I mutter in annoyance. I lift up my coffee mug, and, bringing the warm glass to my mouth, swallow a mouthful of the burning, bittersweet beverage. I can practically feel energy rising within me as the liquid slides down my throat.

I set my mug back down, and I watch my fingers as they tap the glass repeatedly, quickly becoming the only sound in the room. Eyes burn into my skull, I can sense everyone's uneasiness. They're waiting for something to happen, but nothing does. I just sit, staring at my fingers as they thump against my mug.

Not moving my head, my eyes slowly move up, watching Leonardo intently. He returns the gesture, an expressionless look on his face. With my lips in a flat line, and my jade eyes staring at my leader, I lift my head. Shoulders relaxed, arms folded on the counter, the others all taking in the sight of me and Leonardo as we eye each other carefully. Silence fills the atmosphere, and it's almost relaxing. _Almost_.

"Can me and Raphael have a minute?" Leonardo questions without breaking his gaze. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see my siblings and April all exchange looks before standing up and exiting the room, leaving me and my older brother alone.

Silence lingers for an extra minute or so after everyone was departed. Neither of us loose eye contact, neither of us speak. Until finally, Leonardo opens his mouth, and words roll across his tongue. "I take it you didn't get much sleep last night?"

I shake my head. "No, too much on my mind." What I don't say is that his words were the ones ringing through my head for nearly 10 hours.

"Can we just forget about what happened last night?" Are you fucking kidding me? Did he literally just ask me to forget about how he called me selfish for being depressed? He wants me to just neglect the fact that he accused me of faking all of this?

"No, Leonardo, we cannot 'just forget' about that. What you said was not okay, that accusation was completely uncalled for and hurt me far more than any weapon could." I use a firm voice, leaning back in my chair with crossed arms.

Across from me, Leonardo's lips are purses together as his eyes move upward, to the ceiling. A look of impatience is written plainly across his face. "I'm sorry, alright? I shouldn't have been so harsh, you don't want us to be close and you used your depression as an excuse. That's your shame, not mine, I shouldn't have voiced my opinion." Oh. My. Fucking. God. This ain't real, is it? Did I seriously just hear those words come outta his fuckin' mouth?

Yup.

I shake my head. I should'a known this was gonna happen. I should'a seen it comin'. This thing, he does it every time he screws up. Finds away ta pin it on ya. And, yet, he wonders why I don't trust him.

"Look, Leo, I want things to go back to the way they were before, but they can't. Too much has happened, we wouldn't be able to just pick up from where we left off. There's so much that you don't know about me, that you don't understand. My depression is just the tip of the iceberg."

Leonardo glares at me. "But I can help you, if you open up and tell me everything that I've missed out on, then we can be close again."

"Don't you think that if have done that already if I could? You can't help me, you don't understand what it's like to feel this way, therefore, your help is useless. Besides, even if I did open up, you'd never be able to look at me the same way again. Trust me, Leo, everything will just be easier if we remain nothing but leader and follower." I am absolutely positive that by saying this, I'm keeping Leonardo safe. But by keeping him safe, I'm loosing the chance to be friends with him, to look at him less of a leader and more as a brother.

Leonardo shakes his head in denial, a glare resting upon me. "No, Raph, nothing will be easier that way. You aren't pushing me away because you don't want to ruin our relationship anymore more—if that's even possible—you're just afraid. You're afraid of commitment, afraid to hold anyone close to you."

I stand up, pushing me stool back. "You know what, I am afraid. Means know what of? I am afraid that I'm going to get close to you, and that I'm going to spill my secrets. I'm scared that you'll listen, and that you'll remember each and every syllable that rolls across my tongue." I pause, inhale, exhale. "I have often wondered why we're drawn to things we can't have. Things that are wrong for us, like the knife we know will cut, the fire we know will burn our flesh. For some odd reason, we seem to seek them out and try to love them, fix them. All the while making excuses to justify these foolish desires. And then we cry when they turn on us. When the knife pierces our hearts and the fire consumed our flesh. We cry out, "_why, why? You were supposed to love me!_" Finally, though, I think I see the reasoning behind the outcome. And it is this; you should know better than to live a wild thing." I look down at the floor beneath my feet, studying the tiles as I wait for Leonardo to respond. When no words replace mine, I add something, something that'll surely end this argument.

I look up at my brother, and our eyes meet and lock. Emerald competing with Sapphire. "My biggest fear in life, is that one day, you'll see me the way I see me." My feet walk me away from Leonardo, away from the kitchen. I ponder over what I said. Perhaps that was wrong, to say that Leonardo. But perhaps, that was the best thing that I've ever said.

Never regret something you felt good doing.

* * *

"Can we keep what goes on in here secret? I don't really want my brothers knowing about all of this." I stare at my father, who sits in front of me for the second day in a row. Once again, I have a sketch pad in my lap, and a pencil in my hand; and, just as yesterday, I have no idea what to draw.

"Of course we can. My apology for informing Leonardo of what you told me previously, I can see that that lit quite a fire between you two." I nod. Yeah, yeah, it did. "Now, how would you like to start?"

"I liked how you asked me a question yesterday, it was easier to open up and talk." I reply with a shrug.

Splinter nods and sets his tea cup down, a slight smile on his lips. "Tell me, Raphael, who are you when no one is around?"

Now this question, I like. It's word perfectly, and I know that my answer will be worth listening to. So, I write the date at the top of my paper, and let graphite fly across the page as I begin to speak. "When I'm alone, I'm a monster,-" that word has become a constant use in my vocabulary- "when I'm with people..not so much. Like, I can go from being the happiest person ever, to the most alone in the universe in ten seconds flat. While I'm surrounded by my loved ones, I feel a sense of relief. As if, they are fighting off my demons, bringing out my angels. For instance; yesterday. I was with you, and I felt like I was free to open up, to share my deepest, darkest thoughts, secrets. I didn't feel as worthless and hated as I would any other time. Your love kept me guarded, built a wall between me and the burning hatred inside my soul. After my siblings came back, I hung out with Donnie and Mikey for a bit, but then went to my room. Not wanting to be alone, I turned on some music, and I no longer felt secluded. Time went by, and Leonardo came into my room. We fought. He left. I was left alone with my thoughts, and they ate at me."

I stare down at my drawing, a picture of me curled up in a corner, demons coming at me. The shadowy fingers look as they're screeching, probably calling my name as I cry, my head buried in my knees. The sketch is painful to look at. Why am I so fucked up? Why are these things in my head?

"When I am alone, my depression eats at me, and I would kill for a blade, more a drink. Because I need help, but I act like I'm fine when around others. Though I want to get better, I can't. Because once you start cutting, you never stop, once you start drinking, you can't ignore the urge for a sip. When you are depressed, you can't get better. You may think you have, but then you remember what you're running away from, and then you fall back into the fatal state, and you crash harder than before. Each time, you're desperation for death grows, and you would do absolutely anything to be fine again. That, that, right there, is what limitless ness does to me." I spin the sketch pad around, so it is facing my father. He studies the picture, a frown resting upon his face. I look deep into his brown eyes when they look up once more. It's then that I realize that recovery is going to be far more harder than I thought.

...

I don't wanna look you in the eyes, you might call me away

I don't wanna give you the chance to make me stay

And the hardest part in all of this is

I know my way back, I don't want to go

And let you see all that has become of me

...


	21. The Leap

**We've reached 100 reviews! Yayyyy! X) I'm so happy. Sadly, though, reviewer number 100 was a guest, so I couldn't give out spoilers -.-' Reviewer number 111 will get the spoilers instead, so try to be that person. Anyway, I've been getting a ton of reviews complimenting my writing and saying that I am an amazing author, and it really makes me feel great. I joined Fanfiction because I want to be an author when I get older, and I was made fun of for joining this site by a lot of people. I am very glad that the hard work has paid off; thank you everyone for supporting my story! Now, without further a do, I present to you, chapter 21!**

**21**

I trudge through the tunnels of the sewers, an empty feeling gnawing at my soul. My feet feel heavy, as if I'm dragging chains as I walk. Eyes glazed over in pain, a screaming soul that begs to be released, an aching head that just wants a break. The feeling of suffocation fills my lungs. I want to scream for help, but the words won't form. And even so, I'm in the middle of the sewers, far from the lair, so who would hear my pleas? No one. It's kinda like that riddle, "if a tree falls when no one is around, will it still make a sound?" Answer: yes. Yes, it does, but no one is there to hear it, so everyone makes a big deal when they see the fallen tree, because they didn't see it happen, they think that nothing could've been done. I'm a falling tree. They think they can't help me, but they really can.

I climb up a ladder and push the manhole cover away, crawling out onto the surface.

The sky is dark as I scale the building with the alcohol shack on top. Stars shine in the sky, surrounding a crescent moon. Cars honk from down below, competing with the sounds of speeding trucks and taxis. Gasoline pollutes the air, making it even harder to breathe. I am so weak, why am I so weak?

Opening the door the shack, I walk in. It's dark, as usual, but I pull on a string that turns on a lightbulb, and the small room is suddenly lit. My arm moves up, taking a whipped cream Smirnoff off its shelf. I pop of the cap and take a swig. Relief instantly comes setting in as the bittersweet alcohol rains down my throat, planting a slight feeling of dizziness in my head.

I know that I promised I wouldn't self harm, but I didn't promise to not drink. I'm fucking broken, and I need an anesthetic to delete the pain. Alcohol does that job for me.

Splinter wasn't able to say much after I got done explaining what loneliness feels like, for my siblings arrived home, and Donatello ordered me to come see him in his lab.

I had walked into Don's lab, lingering in the doorway as I watched him from his spot over at the computer. He hummed softly, taping keys and looking down at a series of documents laying on his desk. Eventually, he glanced up, and ushered me over.

My legs moved me forward, over to Donatello. But I did not sit like I usually would, I instead stood with my hands on the back of the chair, holding up my dying body. Donnie turned away from his computer, meeting my gaze. "Don, I can't let you help me with this anymore." My voice was rough and scratchy as I spoke to my brother.

Donatello shook his head in denial. "N-no, I have to help you. You have to get better..."

"Look, it's not that big of a deal, I'm still going to get help; from Splinter. I just don't want you or put brothers to look at me like a depressed freak, so I'm just gonna go to Splinter from now on."

A look of disappointment settled into Donnie's maroon eyes. "But _I_ want to help you. You're my brother, I can't let you go through this alone."

A sad smile lifted on my lips. I reached my hand forward, grabbing Donatello's, and gave it a soft squeeze. "And by letting me handle this on my own, with Splinter, you are helping me."

Shortly after that, I wandered out of the lair, not really knowing where I was headed. And here I am now, with a bottle of Vodka gripped tightly in my shaking hands.

**Leonardo Pov**

I hold Karai in my arms as I press soft kisses to her neck and cheek, finally trailing into her lips. Our moths connect, moving quickly and swiftly against each other, setting hundreds of butterflies into flight in the pit of my stomach. My heart beats faster than ever as the kids behind to deepen. Neither one of my hands has moved this entire time, they do nothing but sit on Karai's hips, holding her close to me while we settle into a heavenly make out.

Karai's left hand is tangled in the tails of my mask, and her other hand trails up my biceps, leading onto my shell.

Our lips dance together and suddenly standing becomes for to much for me. I pull away from my lover and lift her up. As I walk her over to my bed, she plants kisses on my face and neck, making my blush.

I drop Karai down on my bed and smirk down at her as she grins at my mischievously. "Kiss me." She whispers in a challenging tone. My smirk widens. "Of course."

I lower my body down, slowly, so I'm on top of her. The second our bodies meet, Karai's lips are on mine. They graze over each other greedily, and our tongues battle for dominance. I pin Karai's hands just above her head using only one of my scaly, green ones. I then use my other hand to wander her beautiful body. My fingers drift over her stomach, and slip under her Linkin Park T-shirt, circling her belly gently. A soft moan escapes Karai's lips, and I grin at her. "You like that?" I whisper as I bring my lips down to hers.

Minutes pass and our kiss becomes fast and avaricious. I can't bring myself to pull away, so when Karai does, dismay comes washing over me.

"Someone's coming." She whispers in a tone of warning.

I stop for a minute, and listen closely for the sound of an approaching visitor. Sure enough, foot steps can be heard down the hall.

I practically leap off of Karai, and tear my twin Katana out of its Scabbard. I start from the middle of a Kata, to make it look as if I've been practicing this whole time, and Karai starts asking me questions to make everything look casual.

"What are we going to do about the Shredder? It's quite obvious that he's planning an attack to get me back, we need to be ready." She has a point, I hadn't yet thought about that, actually. With everything between me and Karai dating in secret to Raphael and his self harming to training, I haven't had much time to ponder over that.

"I don't know yet, but we need to start planning an attack. It won't be long before he strikes, I know that for a fact. We should definitely start training harder, the more prepared we are for this the better the outcome will be." Just as I got done speaking, Donatello opened the door. I stopped, and turned around to look at me brother. His eyes glanced back and forth between me and Karai, who was still laying on my bed. "What's up, Donnie?"

"I was just wondering if you guys have seen Raphael at all?" _Oh no._ I heave a sigh and slide my Katana's back into their home. "He's missing again?" Donatello nods.

Shaking my head, I walk out of my room and I no the main room, Karai and Donnie following me. "Does anyone have any idea where Raph may be?" I ask, addressing my two brothers and girlfriend once we're all in the main room together.

Michelangelo raises his hand a bit. "Um, ya. I think might know where he is."

**No Pov**

Leonardo followed the directions his youngest brother had given him, and quickly found himself at the shack. He opened the door and found just the turtle he was looking for; Raphael. Raph sat, slouched, leaning against an empty wall, nearly a dozen empty glass bottles of Smirnoff surrounding him. Leonardo scowled at his little brother, and walked towards him. "Hey, Raph, it's time to go home." Leonardo cooed kindly.

Raphael jerked upward, he had fallen asleep and Leonardo had awoken him. Pain lurched into Raphael's drunken mind, and he grasped his head tightly in his hands, letting out a faint whimper.

Alarms went off in Leonardo's head, he didn't know what to do. Never had he ever been in a situation like this, he couldn't think correctly. Staring down at Raphael's pain driven body, Leonardo fell down to his knees. Raphael rocked from side to side, clutching his head and bringing his knees to his chest. Screams escaped his lips, he was scaring his older brother, who had absolutely no clue as to what he should be doing to help.

Leonardo put his hands on Raphael's shoulders, and held him tightly, stopping him from shaking. "Raph, calm down! You're alright, you are okay, just calm down." Raphael's eyes widened and he made a sharp inhale, holding his breath for a long second before exhaling.

Both brothers locked eyes with each other, sapphire met emerald, concerned met worthlessness, and the scene became traumatic for both. "Get away, get away from me you aren't safe here." Raphael began to cry, salty tears washed his face.

Leonardo shook his head, his mouth hanging open. "No, Raph, I'm going to help you. There's nothing that's going to hurt me, nor you. Now come on, let's get you home." Leonardo grabbed his brothers hand and stood up, trying his hardest to urge Raphael to forward.

"I'm dead, Leo." Raphael's words slurred together, and his voice was unusually valuable sounding. It was Leonardo's turn to widen his eyes. What did his brother just say? That he was dead? Yes. A lightbulb flickered on in Leonardo's mind. _Right now Raphael is drunk, he'll answer any given question. _

"How are you dead, Raphael?" Leonardo dat down in front of Raphael, who was now leaning his body against a shelf. Raphael didn't look at Leonardo, he stared instead at the floor.

"I'm dead. It killed me."

"What killed you?" Leonardo was curious, but careful, gentle, he knew he had to be if he were to get some answers.

"Depression. It drowns you, ya know that? It bugs chains on yur feet and makes it hard to walk. It puts an anchor in your head while ya swim, and ya drown." Raphael didn't know what he was saying, he just said it.

Leonardo studied his brother's body carefully. He was so drunk, he had no idea what was going on. "Do you want to kill yourself?"

Raphael lifted his head a bit, and turned it so he could meet his brothers eye. "No, I just don't want to suffer any more."

* * *

Leonardo lead his brother back home, and ordered him to be quiet as they entered the lair. Leo brought his brother to his bedroom, helping Raphael pull back the sheets so he could lay down. Raphael made himself comfortable, and watched as Leonardo walked to the door. "Where are you going?" Raph's voice was practically a whisper, but Leonardo could still hear it.

"I'm going to my bedroom to sleep." Leonardo responded.

"Can you sleep with me?" Leonardo smirked, he was beginning to like drunk Raph, he was so gentle and honest, the exact opposite of the real Raphael. "Of course."

Leonardo walked back over to Raphael's bed and laid down with his back turned to his brother, who wrapped his arms around the elder brother. "Do you think I'll ever be fine again?"

"I don't know, but I sure do hope so, because it kills me to see you suffering every day."

**Raphael Pov**

A glare stares back at me through the mirror. It's scary, when you're at the point when your greatest enemy is yourself. It's the saddest thing, be chase you are the only one who can defeat it, and sometimes the only way to defeat it is to kill yourself.

I take a hand full of the antidepressants that Donnie gave me I stick 'em down my throat. He said to only take 3 a day, but I've been take six twice a day. Drug overdose? Maybe. But I just want to stop feeling like this. It ain't helpin', though. I'm far too deep in this hell.

It's like when you're playing a video game. As you get deeper into the game, the levels grow harder and the battles are more intense. Sometimes you get stuck, and you can't move forward, so you find some cheats, find ways out of things, to help you level up. Sometimes, though, they don't work, you just keep battling the same badies day after day. It doesn't matter what you do, you fail.

That's my life.

* * *

_Night after night I'm suffering_

Months have gone by it seems like dozens

Why do I feel so numb?

_Heal me now_


	22. Dead in the water

**Thank you so much for the reviews everyone, I love you all so much! Please leave a review on this chapter, I'd really appreciate it. Remember, reviewer number 111 gets spoilers! Enjoy!**

**22**

My fists pound against the punching bag, fast and furious, as the blood in my veins runs quickly, adrenaline controlling me, urging me to keep punching. So I do.

Blood pours out of the blisters that the bag has made, I've been at this for so long, I've lost track of time. I can sense someone's eyes on me, probably Leonardo's. He's been watching me all day. He apparently found me drunk in the shack last night, brought me home. According to what he says, I asked him ta sleep with me, and then I cuddled up next to him. When I woke up I was alone, no one else was in sight. Anyway, he won't drop his gaze, he's worried for me; or somethin'.

The antidepressants haven't done shit. It's been 3 hours, and the thoughts still linger. Luckily, I haven't done anything I shouldn't, thanks to Leonardo's watchful eye.

Behind me, I hear someone else walk into the dojo, thus having two sets of eyes studying me.

"How long has he been at this?" Donatello questions Leonardo, clearly knowing that I'm not gonna answer.

"Nearly two hours." Two hours? It has not been that long...has it?

"We need to get him to stop, then, I mean, look at his knuckles! They're bleeding like hell and if he doesn't stop soon he could fracture a bone or-" Leonardo cuts Donatello off; thank god.

"Hey, let's just stop him and you can clean his wounds?" I'm assuming that Donnie nodded in agreement, as he often does when he's apprehensive, which he clearly is right now.

Before I know it, both of my brothers are beside me, and Leonardo reaches his arms out, stopping the punching bag from flying back towards my fists.

Infuriated, I widen my eyes. "What the hell are you doing?!" My hands are clenched info fists at my sides as i look between my two brothers. I understand that they wanted me to take a break from the punching bag, but they could've just asked.

"You need to stop with punching bag for a while. Look at your knuckles." I obey, and find them covered in blood and blisters, smeared all over my hands. "Why don't we let Donnie clean those, get you some new wrappings, and then me and you can talk?"

My eyes wander back up to my two brothers, and I stare at them emotionlessly. "I can take care of the wounds myself, it won't be that much of a problem."

Donatello and Leonardo exchange looks of hesitation. "A-are you sure?"

How am I gonna get outta this? I want them to just leave me alone, and yelling obviously ain't gonna work for me in this situation. So, I do the next best thing; act.

Forcing a grin on my face, I lighten up. "I'm positive, I can handle myself perfectly fine. I understand that I went out drinking last night and Leo, you had to go get me and practically drag me home-which I am very sorry about-but I took some antidepressants this morning and I feel so much better. Things are going to be good for me again, I can feel it." Omigod, I sound like a fucking idiot. This whole optimistic things is as hard as shit, I don't see how Mike does it.

Leonardo smiles at me and places a hand on my shoulder. "You don't know how nice it is to hear you say that."

"And you don't know how nice it is to say it. I'm gonna go clean up now, see ya guys later." The second my back is turned, a frown is on my face. Any glare in my eyes. Truth is, the antidepressants haven't done anything. How I'm supposed to ever get well, I don't know.

* * *

April's arms wrap around my neck as she sits on my lap, her knees bent and sitting on either side of my thighs. My hands hold onto her hips tightly, as if to keep her from leaving me. Her long, orange locks flow over her shoulders, rubbing against my biceps. Our lips move greedily against each other begging for more.

As my lips move away from April's and instead down to her neck, a moan escapes her lovely mouth. I smirk as I press soft kisses against her skin, and slowly make a trail leading back up to her lips. We share one last kiss before pulling apart, and when we do, our foreheads rest against each other.

"How are you doing?" April's soft voice asks me in a whisper.

I hesitate to respond. Earlier today I pretended to be a happy ball of sunshine in front of my brothers without a problem, but now I'm not so sure if I can. I love April more than anything, and I'm just not sure if I can lie to her.

"I'm not sure, actually." I whisper my response, lifting up a hand to tuck a strand of hair behind April's ear.

"Why don't we lay down and you can tell me about everything?" I smile, nodding in agreement with the suggestion.

The two of us lay down, our faces only inches apart. April's head rests on my right arm, and my left arm is draped over her stomach, my fingers rubbing her back slightly. April's left hand lays under my face, caressing my cheek, while her right hand makes gentle strokes on my left arm. "So, what's going on?"

I heave a sigh. "A lot, April, a lot." She asks me as if it's an easy question to answer; which it's not. Where to begin, where to begin... "Donnie's got me on these antidepressants, but they haven't done anything, so now I have to go around actin' as if I'm fine, just to keep my brothers from worryin'."

"How many pills did Don instruct you to take each day?"

"Two."

"And how many are you taking instead?" Oh, April, you know me all too well.

"One handful, twice a day." I admit shamefully.

April frowns at me, but doesn't scold me. "Well, maybe that's why it's not working."

"I guess. I just, I want to recover now! So I can be a better brother, and son, and teammate. But most of all, I want to be better for you." A pained expression settles onto my face, making me feel even more guilty for being so fucked up.

"Don't say that. You're an amazing boyfriend, and I wouldn't want any other guy when I could have you. You're perfect, scars and all." April brought her lips to my forehead, warming my body up instantaneously. "I love you, April.l I murmur with closed eyes and a smile on my face.

"And I love you, Raphael."

* * *

"What is the scariest part?" I study Master Splinter carefully as he holds his glass mug filled with mint tea. The steam floats up, dispersing into the cool, peaceful atmosphere of the dojo.

For the third day in a row, I sit across from my Father with a sketch pad opened to a fresh page and a pencil and eraser sitting in the palms of my hands.

My thoughts wander as the given question races down hundreds of corridors in the depths of my mind. _What is the scariest part? _The words scream at me like sirens, urging me to move quickly in spite of danger.

I inhale, and exhale, calming myself down the slightest bit.

"The scariest part... Well, it's not what you'd think. You're probably expecting me to say that the scariest part is the loneliness and darkness that fills you despite the looming pain of emptiness, but that's not it. The scariest part is the realization that you have lost yourself completely sinking into your weak bones as you lay awake at 4am while your family sleeps. It's not that you aren't tired, it's just that you've lost the ability to sleep, and you can't even cry because you don't even care anymore, because you're used to the feeling of worthlessness and abandonment." Fog fades, and I can once again see through my eyes rather than my mind. I study the page on my notebook , which is no longer blank. To my surprise, it's not filled with a sketch, but instead, words.

_Right now _

_All I want to do _

_Is relive those moments_

_When we could talk to each other_

_Without having to cross a mountain_

My eyes squeeze shut as the poem I have written sings it's words throughout my dark mind, echoing off the caverns of the abyss.

Those words, were meant to describe me and Leonardo, I know it, I just do. Because we used to be so close, we used to never be able to be separated. It was all or nothing when it came to us.

But then, we aged. We stopped referring to Splinter as Dad, but instead as Sensei and Father and Master. We stopped thinking of ourselves as brothers, but more as teammates. No more fun and games when you had to train. We drifted apart, and neither of us noticed.

Now I do, though. Every time I look into the mirror I can see a screaming boy in my eyes. He's not able to sleep, or forget, or forgive. He's full of pain and anger...only death could give him peace.

Or so I thought.

Until now.

Now I realize, that the boy needs help. He needs meds, and the proper amount, too. He needs his family, to stick by his side during the bumpy ride to salvation. He needs support, to urge him forward.

But most of all, he needs his best friend, his big brother, his leader.

_I_ need him.

* * *

My head spins, blurring my thoughts as I stare into the darkness of my bedroom. Silence fills the air, unsettling me, frightening me. I shiver.

A light appears, shining through the cracks of my door, seeping in from the hallway.

Leonardo's head pokes in, and a faint smile appears on his lips. He must think I'm asleep.

"Raph, you up?"

"Ya."

"You okay?"

Hesitation. I hesitate, as if my life depends on me either lying or being honest, and I don't know which wire to cut.

"I guess."

"Mmmm. Well, I'll see ya in the mornin'." Just before my brother can shut the door, I sit up, reaching my arm out. "Wait." I whisper softly. _I want to talk to you, I want to tell you how much I love you, how much i need you. _

Somehow, Leonardo hears me, cause he stops and turns his head to meet my glance over his shoulder. "Ya?" He sounds tired, and I don't wanna bother him with my problems. Not now. Not tonight.

But I can't be alone. I can't handle the thoughts. They're to overwhelming

"Will you..stay in here for the night? Just for tonight?"

Leonardo smirks at me, probably finding it adorable how tough-guy Raph is askin' his big brother to sleep with him. "Of course."

Leonardo shuts the door behind him as he walks into my room. I scoot over some and he crawls into my bed with me, laying his head on my second pillow. His shell is just inches away from my plastron when he settles in, but I move forward so our bodies are touching. I wrap my muscular arms around Leonardo, leaning my head on the back of his neck. "Well someone's awfully-"

"Shh.. Don't talk. Just- sleep."

...

If I was not myself  
And you were someone else  
I'd say so much to you  
And I would tell the truth  
'Cause I can hardly breathe

When your hands let go of me  
The ice is thinning out  
And my feet brace themselves

I'm there in the water  
Still looking for ya  
I'm there in the water  
Can't you see, can't you see?

...


	23. Over and Over

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**23**

I wake with my arms wrapped around Leonardo, who's awake, judging by his more even breaths. But that doesn't make any sense, why would he stay here if he was awake? Did he not want to wake me, or does he, too, feel safer when he's not alone? No, he wouldn't know what that's like. Not like me, anyhow.

"Raph, you up?" Leonardo's gentle voice is comforting, and I can't help but sigh at the sound of it.

"Yes. You can go now, you don't have to worry about leaving me, I don't mind." Lie, I do mind, but I don't want him to think of me as some sorta sensitive bitch.

"Actually, can we talk?"

"Sure."

Leonardo gets up, picking his mask up off the ground, and secures it back around his face, while I sit up and watch him, my hands clutching the edge of my hammock as if to keep it from leaving.

"Why do you wear your mask when you sleep all of a sudden? You used to complain about how it felt against your pillow." Ya, well then I made the mistake of making a huge cut over my left eye, so taking my mask of isn't really an option for me anymore.

I shrug, because it's easier than explaining myself. "I dunno, I just got used to wearin' it." Leonardo has a hint of disbelief written in his eyes, but he quickly pushes it aside, wanting more answers to more questions.

"Okay. Why have you been asking me to sleep with you lately?" It sounds really weird when he says it, like I'm some sorta gay pervert, hitting on my brother or something. Though, that's probably how he sees it.

I blush, and my neck heats up, going from ice cold to fire hot within seconds. My arm reaches up, rubbing my neck as embarrassment sets in. "I guess I've just, well, missed you." I think back to the poem I wrote last night rather than a drawing, the words echo throughout the chambers of which I think. _Right now, All I want to do, Is relive those moments, When we could talk to each other, Without having to cross a mountain. _I should add more to it, make it sound better, longer, more meaningful. Then, maybe, just maybe, I'll show it to Leo, just to prove to him how much I miss him. "Do you ever miss the times when we could go to each other for help, whenever we needed it, without feeling weak? I do; I miss 'em a lot." I hang my head in shame.

Leonardo's eyes are stuck on me like glue, I know that without even looking at him. He's processing my words, as he always does when I speak about something in a deep, meaningful way. Soon, though, he breaks the unsettling silence. "I miss them, too. Why can't we be closer?"

What a simple question to answer. My head lifts, and my eyes land on my brother as I sit up straighter. "Because we aren't children anymore, we're warriors. And the Warriors we are now are completely different from the children we once were; we know nothing about each other. At the moment, I feel like I understand Spanish more than I understand you."

Leonardo smirks, and I know right away that he's about to make a quirky comment. "You know nothing about Spanish."

The faintest hint of a smile appears on my lips. "I know."

_Right now, All I want to do, Is relive those moments, When we could talk to each other, Without having to cross a mountain. A misunderstanding is not worth that long journey traveled to reach each other, so insisted we drift apart, watching the dirt and gravel fill the space between us._

New words form in my mind, streaming onto the originals.

"I want to learn Spanish, Raphael, I want to be able to understand the words." He doesn't mean it literally, only figuratively. He wants to understand me.

"So do I."

I stand up and walk over to Leonardo, who pulls me into a firm embrace. He return the gesture, squeezing my eyes shut in relief. "Don't ever leave me, Leo."

"I wouldn't dream of it."

* * *

My Manriki-gusari fly through the air as i attempt at a strike to Leonardo's shell. Leonardo moves, making a swift, fast turn. He faces me as he runs forward, his Katana's in hand. The edge of the blade makes contact with me shoulder, making a cut. The feeling of relief washes over me like a wave on a beach. I hold in a sigh, moving away from my brother as to not draw attention.

"You okay?" Leonardo asks, loosening his tense posture as I get back into my original position five feet in front of him.

"Of course." I say.

My left foot lays in front of my right as I ready my weapons. Leonardo takes a similar stance.

Leonardo's eyes lock with mine as we wait for Splinter's queue. _Right now, All I want to do, Is relive those moments, When we could talk to each other, Without having to cross a mountain. A misunderstanding is not worth that long journey traveled to reach each other, so insisted we drift apart, watching the dirt and gravel fill the space between us. _The poem sings its words to me, and I fail to shove them aside. Leonardo sets the words into flight, somehow. My eyes move away from his, and instead to his nose. An old trick I learned, when you don't want to look someone in the eyes, simply look below them.

"Haji-May!" Leonardo and I both take of into a sprint, lunging towards each other.

On my left shoulder, I can feel red, crimson blood beading on the thin cut made by Leonardo's sword. The burning sensation overwhelms me and I'd do anything for more.

Leonardo swings his Katana's at me, and I stumble slightly, making it look like I didn't intend for the blade to come in contact with my body. Blood gushes out of the cut, which is much deeper than the last.

I let out a yelp of pain as Leo's cold Katana digs into my thigh. I didn't expect it to be more than a small scratch, so the deep cut is a surprise.

Collapsing to the ground, I grab my wounded thigh and hold back a grin as I watch blood race down my leg, fleeing the cut.

Leonardo kneels on the ground beside me, panic filling his sapphire eyes as h's breaths quicken and become heavy. "Calm down, I'm fine, I'm alright, it's not your fault." I whisper words of assurance to my frightened brother.

Somehow, I remain calm, I'm used to the pain, I guess.

Everyone else, on the other hand, is anything but calm.

Michelangelo, Karai, and April are rushing around the lair to find pillows and blankets and wet wash cloths. Donatello darted to his Lab immediately after the Katana hit me, setting up stuff for stitches, most likely. Splinter is looming over me, along with Leonardo, asking if I'm alright, if I need help.

"EVERYBODY, STOP!" I yell. The room goes silent, everyone stopping mid-step. "I am perfectly fine, I don't need any help, I can walk across the lair by myself so just calm the fuck down."

I stand up and walk out, making my way towards Donnie, who's standing just outside the lab with an infuriated look on his face. "You shouldn't be walking, the blood will only-"

"Shut it, Donnie." I mutter in a threatening tone.

It's kinda scary, actually, how persistent I am to do everything on my own despite my injury. It's kinda scary that I like the feeling of blood dripping down my leg, soaking my flesh. Everyone probably thinks I'm crazy, berserk. Donatello and Michelangelo may have self harmed one time or another, but they stopped quickly. They never dug as deep as I have.

As I sit down on Donnie's operating table, I lean my shell against the brick wall behind me. Closing my eyes, I hum quietly to myself as Donatello begins to sew my skin back together. Song lyrics echo throughout my mind.

_ You keep living in your own lie, Ever deceitful and ever unfaithful. Keep me guessing, keep me terrified. Take everything from my world._

I jolt up ward as I hear the lap doors open and then slam shut. "Relax, it's just Leo. Now stop moving around or it's going to take longer." Following Donatello's instructions, I slump back down.

Leonardo walks over to me hesitantly, a look of uncertainty gleaming in his eyes. I heave a sigh, I know what's coming next. An apology.

"Raph, I am so sorry, please forgive me, I will do anything to make it up to you." Leonardo's pleading tone unsettles me.

"You wanna make me happy, stop blamin' yourself. It's not your fault, I just landed weird and your Katana hit me. Not your fault, not mine, so stop apologizing and go meditate or do whatever you do to have fun." I shop Leonardo away, who walks away after a long pause of intense staring.

Donatello finishes the stitches and cleans my wound before wrapping it in gauze. "Please, please, _please_ tell me you didn't do that on purpose." I stare at my brother for a few seconds before my eyes drift away, skimming over all of the machines and gadgets spread out all over the lab.

I don't answer. I can't answer. I used my brother's own weapon, the Katana he wields, and sword he was wielding, to self harm. Diving at the perfect time, making it look like I slipped, I cut myself, allowing my brother to think he did it. What a shithead I am, what's bitch.

"Fine, don't answer." Donatello shakes his head as he drys his hands off with a cloth, looking completely fed-up with me. "Have you taken your antidepressants today?"

Good question. Have I taken my antidepressants... Well, I woke up, had a quick chat with Leo so he didn't think I was some sorta gay-pervert, ate breakfast, went to training, made it look like Leo hurt me even though it was me, and how I'm here. Nope, no antidepressants. "No, haven't had the chance to."

Donatello nods and takes a set of keys from the bottom drawer of his desk. Flipping through them all, he takes a black key and walks over to a locked cabinet. Once it's unlocked, the door gets flung open, and I see four jam packed shelves of tablets filled with pills and medication. Don takes one out and opens it, removing two small pills before placing the tablet back in place and locking the cabinet once more.

Donnie pulls a coke out of the mini fridge next to his desk, and pops it open for me. Handing me both substances, I drop the pills on my tongue and take a sip of the soda, washing the pills down my throat.

"Okay, so no more for today, obviously, and take the same amount tomorrow, obviously. Is that clear?" I nod, my head bobbing up and down. "'Course."

Donatello's eyes narrow slightly, moving all over my face s if in search of something. "Only two a day, no more, no less; promise me you'll do just that?"

He must see me, my lie. The demons lurking in my eyes. Of course he does, me and him are the only of the four of that are actually blood related. Donnie's my only real sibling in this world, only real brother, only real family.

Just another reason to keep him close.

Yet another reason to push him away.

Donatello can see through me, he knows me like the back of his hand. We're twins, practically the same person, how couldn't he? If he asks me to promise him something, I sure as hell will. I know a serious Donnie when I see one, and you don't want to make him mad.

"Of course. I promise."

Satisfied, Donatello relaxes, his shoulders loosing their tenseness, his eyes softening. "You can go now, just, be careful, okay?" I nod as I stand up, walking away from my brother, leaving him alone.

* * *

"What do you want in life?"

"To be able to wake up with a smile on my face, without having to wear a mask as my life passes me by. I want to be able to feel again, to be able to love and see in color, not just blacks and grays and whites. I want to be whole." Words flow out of my mouth as a sketch floods onto the paper in my lap. Words, drawings, drawing, words. Too much. Too much.

"There is often one person in our lives who could make you feel like the richest man alive despite having nothing but a ragged cloth and a few words of advice; is there someone who does that to you?" Oh, hell yes, hell yes.

"April, I love her, she's my world. I couldn't imagine not being with her." The thought alone sickens me, makes me want to puke, to scream, to cry.

My father smiles at me, he knows this. He knows how much our relationship means to me. "Do you feel like you can talk to her about your problems?"

"No..I don't. We have more of an intimate relationship rather than a verbal one. We don't really worry about talking about our problems."

My father frowns. He doesn't like this, not one bit. In a relationship, there should be an equal balance between physical interaction and verbal interaction; or so he says. Me and April have gotten along fine, though, despite what my father thinks. "What do words mean to you?"

"Words are your soul, Sensei, they are what holds you together, keeps you from floating into space. Words keep you on the ground, with the ones you love. Without words, well, we'd all be nothing but a few bones and guts. Words are everything that is anything in this world."

"Well, then, why don't you Ms. O'Neil use your words with one another?"

* * *

I stare at April, leaning my shell against my bedroom door. She stands a few feet in front of me, eyeing me awkwardly. "You wanted to talk to me?" Oh, how confused she sounds. This is new to her, talking, isn't it?

"What am I to you, April?" I come out as strong, defying the crumbling soul of which I truly am on the inside.

"Raph...you know that I love you." She walks forward, extending her arms to wrap them around me. But I move away, dodging her touch, not wanting anything to do with her at the moment.

"No, actually, I don't. Why, because you never talk to me. You'd rather Kiss and Speak, and that leaves me to question what exactly I mean to you."

"Shh...just, don't talk, not right now." April's lips connect with mine, silencing me. _What am I doing_, I question myself as I kiss back. I'm in deep waters, and the longer I do this the closer I get to drowning.

...

It feels like everyday stays the same

It's dragging me down and I can't pull away

So here I go again

Chasing you down again

Why do I do this?

Over and over, over and over

I fall for you

Over and over, over and over

I try not to

Over and over, over and over

You make me fall for you

Over and over, over and over

You don't even try

...


	24. Forever Red

**Thank you for the reviews, my darlings! I love you all so much! -hugs you all- you are all amazing little cinnamon rolls and you can now follow me on Tumblr! My username is RaphSai03 so go check me out! Also... Special shoutout to Tmnt fan for the review last chapter. I loved it, and I have a question. So, you mentioned that you've been drawing pictures of all of your fav parts in this story, and I was wondering if you have a deviantart that I can check those out on because I would LOVE to see them. Let me know please! :)**

** Now, Enjoy and Review!**

**24**

_I sit on my knees, three objects laying on the concrete floor in front of me. A noose, a gun, and a butchers knife. I stare at them in confusion, questioning what I have to do with these objects. _

_ "Hello, Raphael." His voice booms, the echoes making it sound as if we're in a cavern. _

_ "Shredder." I hiss his name, the word burning my tongue like acid. _

_ I can't see him, he's hiding in the shadows that surround me._

_ My head turns from side to side, my eyes peering into the darkness looking for even the slightest hint as to where my enemy lies. Dangling over me as a light, flickering every few seconds, sways over me while wind blows from all directions. I shiver. _

_ "Where am I?" I demand with a snarl. I'm not tied down, I'm just kneeling, my hands resting calmly on my knees. What am I doing here?_

_ A loud, hardy chuckle sounds from in front of me, and here he comes, leaving the shadows and stepping into the light. "Silly Kame, we are in your mind. Why else would it be so dark and cold?" Instantaneously, a large gust of wind came shooting out of no where, sending the tails of my mask into flight. _

_ "What is going on?" I struggle to speak as the wind blows around me, the icy feeling making my teeth chatter and leaving my fingers feeling numb. "Why are you here?"_

_ "I'm here to deliver a message." The Shredder steps forward, coming closer to me. "You're a danger to your family, a menace, a threat. If you do not kill yourself soon, they will be the ones to die." All lights on. My family, sitting in front of me in a half circle. My father, Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, Karai, Casey, April, and Slash all kneeling with their arms tied at their backs, gray tape covering their mouths. "No.." I murmur, panic rising in me. _

_ "Kill yourself, and they will live. Kill yourself, and they will once more be free. Kill yourself, and they will finally be happy." _

I bolt upright in my Hammock and practically jump off. I take off in sprint the second my feet touch the ground, making a beeline for the kitchen.

_Must save them, must save my family, must save them before it's too late._

I enter the kitchen, already out of breath. My hand reaches out, grabbing the sharpest knife in the shed. I retract the knife quickly, but the second I go to lunge it into my throat, I'm stopped.

Leonardo places a hand on my wrist, stopping me halfway. "Raph, what the hell are you doing?" His eyes are like saucers, staring at me in pure fear as he struggles to keep the knife away from my throat.

Karai stands behind Leo, her tank top on backwards. I'm sure they were sleeping together, positive she had her shirt off. Why else would it be backwards?

How sick, making out with your sister and taking her shirt off her. Then again, this is coming from the guy who's struggling to bring an end to his life with a kitchen knife.

I shake my head, sucking my lips in, a desperate look in my eyes.

My other brothers come rushing in, and stop just behind Karai, staring at me with shocked expression. Donatello looks pissed, though, I'm not surprised. None of them want me to die, or so they say. I'm a threat, I have to kill myself before I kill them.

And finally, April. She stands, leaning in the doorway, a hand cupped over her mouth as she meets my eye.

"Don't do this, Raph. Not now, not in front of April, Mikey and Donnie. Not tonight." Leonardo speaks in a hushed voice shaking his head as he talks.

How dare he use them as an act to stop me.

"Leo, you don't get it, if I don't do this you could all die. You're all in danger, you need to just let me do this. Please, Leo, please." Tears sting my eyes as I plead my brother to let me end my life. Why won't he just give in? Why won't he just let go of my arm so I can stab myself?

It's probably the mess that's worrying him. Having to clean up my blood from the floors, having to haul my body to the farm house to bury me. He doesn't want the extra work.

"Put down the knife, drop it. Now." The warning sounds like a threat, but I'm not breaking.

"Stop, you don't understand, if I don't do this you'll all die. I'm trying to protect you, why won't you just let me do that?!" My frantic voice scares me, tears beginning to spring from my eyes.

Leonardo's eyes soften and he takes a long, deep breath. I can feel myself calming down, the soothing sound of my brothers inhales and exhales helping me regain my composure. "We're gonna help you, okay? We're going to help you and you're gonna be safe, and we're gonna be safe, and everything will be alright. Will you please just trust me and put the knife down?"

I do.

I lower my arm, Leo's hand still on my wrist.

When my hand is hanging over the counter, I release the blade, letting it cling onto the marble surface.

Leonardo gives me a small, congratulating smile. I don't do anything to respond to it, I just stare at my brother with a stone cold look in my tired eyes.

"Now, me and you are going to go with Donnie to his lab, and everyone else is going to go back to bed and we're all going to forget about this and never mention it again."

I stare at my brother, lost in the blue corridors of his eyes, wandering, looking for comfort and a sign of certainty.

"Okay." Everyone departs, and Leonardo wraps an arm around my shoulder as we follow the crowd, heading to the lab, where Donatello headed off to the second I dropped the knife. He's expecting me, obviously. Him and Leo want answers. Both of them are done with my "little games."

Just before we round the corner I look back, just in time to watch April walk into my room and before the door shuts and I'm whisked away into the lab.

Leonardo walks away from me heading straight over to Donnie. I walk slowly, considering turning back. Where would I go though? Not back to the kitchen, not to lull myself. I'll do that next time I'm alone, and I'll be quieter, more stealthy. I won't get caught.

I can't go to my room, either. No way I'm I going back there yet, not with April there. She never answered me earlier, about what I am to her. All she's been doing with me is intimate, there's nothing social about our relationship. I guarantee that when the second I step foot in my bedroom she'll be all over me, her lips traveling down my neck.

"So, Raph, care to tell us what the shell was going on back there?" Donatello sits on his desk, narrowed eyes staring at me expectingly. The white of his eyes had gained color, bright red from exhaustion. Judging by the time, I'd say he'd just gone to bed after hours spent in the lab. Of course he's mad, he's tired. A tired Donnie isn't a nice Donnie.

"I was trying to kill myself." I whisper mostly to myself.

What the hell _was_ I doing? I'm supposed to be recovering, not attempting suicide.

I did it for them, though, because I love them all so very much. I don't want them to die, they're worth more than gold, so I'll protect them.

"To save you all." My eyes shut and my hands clench at my sides as my head hangs in shame.

"What do you need to save us from? Why do you think you have to kill yourself?" Leonardo asks.

"Because...I had a dream." Pause, gulp, preparation. "Shredder...he had you all tied up, everyone I love sitting, staring at me, pleading for help. But I couldn't free you if I didn't kill myself. I can't free you until I kill myself. I'm a drag, let's just face it and let me die. Why can't we do that?" I squeeze my eyes and inhale deeply, bringing my shoulders up. When I exhale, I open my eyes and my shoulders slump back down. My head raises and tilts, staring at Leo as I rephrase that last line. "Why can't I do that?"

His head droops, his eyes leaving mine. He looks at his fingers in his lap. "I can't lose you, Raph, I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing you died because you thought I was in danger."

_Thought I was in danger. _

He thinks I'm lying.

Son of a bitch.

Bastard.

Blind jackass.

Why doesn't he believe me?

He should.

He really should.

"You are in danger."

"No, I'm not." Leonardo's faint chuckle bounces off the walls, echoing throughout the lab.

Donatello isn't taking, he's just watching.

"Yes you are."

"Oh really? Well, then, who's the threat? The imaginary Shredder inside your overactive imagination?" Mocking. He's mocking me. Of course he is.

Which is dumb.

I'm the danger.

I'm the threat.

I attempted to murder him.

"No. It's me."

Donatello and Leonardo exchange weirded-out looks. "How?"

"I attempted a murder. A year and a half ago. I contemplated a plan to kill you all in your sleep. The knife was this close to your throat Leo, THIS FUCKING CLOSE! And then I realized what the hell I was doin' and I stopped before any damage could be done."

Leonardo's eyes widen and his jaw drops. His breaths heavy, and his body shakes. Fear. "You tried to kill me?!"

"Yea, I did. Because you all hate me! You're all a burden to my life! Or so I thought. I soon realized that in the burden, that you all hate me, that _I_ hate me. No I stab my flesh when the hatred I hold towards myself grows strongest. Course, you won't let that happen anymore. For me, it's one of the other. Either I kill myself or I kill all of you. Which would you like to choose?" As I ramble on and on, Donatello stands up and walks behind me. I can hear the rustling of keys and then a cabinet open. I know right away that he's gettin' antidepressants for me, somethin' ta calm me down.

"I don't want any dru-"

I fall to the floor as a syringe injects into my neck, sending meds into my body. Eyes growing heavy, I close them, and drift off into a deep, deep, drug filled sleep.

...

"He's waking."

"I know he is, genius."

"Why'd ya drug him, anyway?"

"Leo will explain it to you later, Karai. Now can everyone stop crowding him?!"

Voices yell back and forth as my eyes flutter open. I'm instantly blinded by the bright lights on the ceiling above me.

My body is cold, laying on a metal table in what I presume is Don's lab.

Donatello stands over me, looking at me, searching for something. A warm smile forms on his lips. "Hello, Raph. It's about time you woke up." My brother places a hand behind my shoulder as he helps me sit up and turn so my legs can hang over the side of the table.

Head pounding, I look around at my siblings, all gathered around, looking at my in alarm, ready to help if they need to.

They love me, they don't hate me, why I said that, I don't know. They would do anything for me, and I would for them.

"How are you feeling?"

How _am_ I feeling? "Like I've been sung to by a bunch 'o friendly birds. What kinda drug was that?" I rub my head as I look Donatello.

"It was basically a sleep thing, hence the reason you passed out. It doesn't usually work that quickly, but you have been taking antidepressants so that could've helped it kick in quicker. Hm. But, I did also give you your daily dose of antidepressants, which would be why you feel so giddy. My only question would be why you've never felt like that before?" Because I've been taking an overdose, dear brother.

"I don't know, I've been taking the pills on a daily basis."

"How many?" Donatello sticks the the butt of his pen in his mouth, chewing on it lightly.

"Two." Four sets of eyes are on my, burning into my soul, leaving me cowering. They don't believe me, who would. I sigh. I can't take the lies anymore. "Handfuls. A day. Two handfuls a day."

Donatello slams his fist down on the metal table, making me jump at the loud noise. "YOU COULD DIE FROM THAT, RAPHAEL! You could die because you're too irresponsible enough to be taking the wrong pills! You could die, sending us all into a state of depression! Do you want that? Is that what you want?" My body trembles as I fight tears, holding my breath as my blood pressure spikes along with my fear. He pounds his fist again. "IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT?!"

"N-no." Salty tears waterfall out of my emerald eyes.

Karai stomps her foot and shoves past Mikey and Leo, walking straight over to Donatello. "Get the hell out of here. Now!"

Donatello smirks. "Fine. I'll leave. And you guys can stay here with this psychopath." My brother says, gesturing towards me.

Michelangelo follows Donatello, the two of them leaving me alone with Leo and Karai.

Leonardo's hand finds my shoulder, and my eyes drift down to his. "You okay?"

Now, I'm not one to cry, not at all. I'm not a crybaby, I'm not a sobbing pussy. I'm strong, passionate, but I don't show my sadness as sadness I show it as anger and hatred. So, me sobbing at the scene of Leonardo and Karai is a once in a blue moon thing.

Tears spring down, drenching my face. A sob rises in my throat as I shake my head. "No. I'm not. I need help, I can't do this alone, not anymore. I'm done pretending."

Karai and Leonardo exchange looks. I jump down, and lean my shell against the table instead. "We're here for you, Raph. Mikey and Donnie may not want to help, but we will, so don't ever think you're alone." Leonardo speaks for the two of them, generosity shining in his broad voice.

"Thank you." My voice is small.

Leonardo and Karai walk forward in continuation, and take me into their comforting arms. "We'll face this battle together."

"You're not alone, anymore, Raphael."

_You're not alone anymore._

...

I try to run, I try to hide from a voice that couldn't satisfy

That was me, always needing more

But letting go of all I had before

Cause it feels like the end

A wound that I can't mend

I just can't fight any longer

You waited 'til I sobered

You came when You knew that the game was over

I didn't even want to be found

But you chased me down and broke in just when

I was done believing

Spun me 'round so close now

I can feel you breathing

Sunlight burns inside and

I feel so alive and

Help me now, tell me how

How can this last forever

Forever

...


	25. Daniel in the Den

**Hello friends! Thank you for the reviews, loved them! And RBBH, DO YOU HAVE A TUMBLR OR PINTEREST OR SOMETHING BECAUSE YOU ARE THE NICEST PERSON EVER YOU ARE MY FAVORITE FOLLOWER AND I JUST WANT TO HUG YOU AND TAKE YOU OUT FOR COFFEE! You're review was beautiful and made me cry tears of joy. I'm glad that you are enjoying this story so much and I'm happy that it is opening up your eyes. Please, stay awesome and enjoy this chapter! **

**25**

I sit beside Leonardo on the ledge of a high rise. Cars honk and race through the crowded streets of Manhattan below us. The moon shines down on me and my brother, lighting up the rooftop as much as it can.

As I look down at the busy roads, it occurs to me that I could jump right now, end my life once and for all.

I could, but I won't.

Leonardo had put his faith in me, he believes that I can get better. That must have some value to me, right? Of course, so I need to try to stay strong, for him. So that he's happy.

I'm absolutely positive that when I'm clean-no more drugs or alcohol or self harm-then Leonardo will have the brightest smile on his face. And it'll be worth it, to see my brother be happy.

Yet, I scout forward a bit, just a bit, closer to falling off. I'm not trying to milk myself, I'm just not being as cautious as I should.

"Are you nervous? To give all of this up?" Leonardo turns his head, looking at me in wonder.

Fascinating, I must be through his eyes. He probably sees me as a wild animal, being locked up and brought to a zoo. I'm the viscous tiger that bit it's captivators, the one who chewed through the iron bars when no one was watching. Astonishing, aren't I? About to be thrown back into prison cell for safe keeping, this time for good.

"If by nervous you mean scared; then yes. Hell yes."

Leonardo reaches over and squeezes my hand. Reassurance rains down on me like a storm, calming my demons, lifting my angels. "If it makes you feel any better, I'll be by your side through all of this, you won't be alone. Not once." One firm squeeze and he releases me, throwing me back down into the caverns of my mind.

"I guess." I mutter.

Uncertainty is a river, rushing through my veins. Anxious fish swim, battling waves and rocks.

My hands tremble as they would when something bad is about to happen, something unsettling.

"Do you believe in fate?" An interesting question, something I'd never thought of.

Before you can believe in something, though, you must understand it. So, what is fate?

Fate is a choice made not by you, but instead by a supernatural force. You have no choice but to follow it. Or so some believe.

Those who believe in fate tell themselves that everything is all part of a big plan, that we don't really make our own life choices, someone else does. That nothing is up to us, but instead just part of one big storyline.

Although, not everyone believes that. Other people think that you mold your own life, that you're the cause of your mistakes, whether they be bad or good. If you turn into a sinner, then the blame can be pinned on no other than you.

So where do I fall? A believer or an agnostic?

"I'm not sure. I guess I could if I tried, but no, not really."

What an awkward way to answer.

"What about God? And lucifer?"

What's with all of these questions?

"Yes, and no. During the day, I live for God. I believe in him and the heavens, along with Satan and hell. But at night, when everyone is asleep, I'm curled in a ball in the corner of my bedroom, with the lights off. Alone, cold, and scared. That's when I realize, the misery of life, just how horrible it truly is. And it's in the moments before drifting off into sleep, that I realize that God is not real, neither is the devil. I'd like to believe in them, I really would. But it's a lie. What is my reasoning behind that? Well, we were raised under the belief that God leads our lives, that he is the one who blossoms the flowers in the pits of our souls. He's the good in this world. So, if that is true, then why am I so fucked up? Why do I self harm? Why do I always feel like I'm worthless and unwanted?" Inhale, exhale, breath the demons in and then realize them back into the atmosphere. "Basically what I'm trying to say, is that I do believe in God. But by the end of the night, he's nothing but a figment of my imagination."

Leonardo's jaw hangs open, and slowly lifts into a smile. "You really know how to touch someone's heart when you speak, ya know that?"

I snort. "Tch, apparently I also know how to tickle demons and breathe fire."

"What are your demons like, Raphael? Why do they make you attack us?"

He knows. He knows that it's not me who tried to kill him, not me who strangled him against that tree, but instead the demons.

I close my eyes as I open my mouth to speak.

"They're like snakes, sending venom coursing through my veins, poisoning my mind. My heart aches for an antidote, but I can't speak. My lips are blue as I gasp for air, running, racing, trying to find someone to help me. People pass me, all breathing. They fill their lungs with air, while mine fill with words of self harm and hatred.

"As the snakes slither through my body, my chest rises and falls frantically. I'm now suffocating, barley breathing. My head spins as I grow dizzy, ready to faint, pass out. No one can see though. They mistake my rising chest for steady breaths, too clueless to notice that I'm really gasping. I take my last breath and the snakes have won, they are now in control. They use my body to kill the ones I love so they can dine on their flesh and bones. I watch it happen, like a movie. I'm chained, being held back as my loved ones die.

"With their blood on my hands, fault in me, I cry silently. The snakes have gotten what they wanted, they have left me. And I slowly regain control over myself, and have no choice but to take the blame. I cut myself as the snakes laugh in the background, because they brought me to this, this is their fault, not mine." I open my eyes again, to find Leonardo staring at me in awe.

I shouldn't be surprised at his response, I mean seriously, I just explained to him what depression is like.

"Why didn't you ever ask for help?"

I smile. He doesn't get it. "Because, Leonardo, they were crawling through me, blocking my cries for help. They get what they want, always, so when they want your body, they get it.

...

_Dreaming along at a pace you'll understand_

Go go go go go go

No no no no no

_And you thought the lions were bad_

Well they tried to kill my brothers

And for every king that died

Oh they would crown another

And it's harder than you think

Telling dreams from one another

And you thought the lions were bad

Well they tried to kill my brothers

_And felled in the night_

By the ones you think you love

They will come for you

And felled in the night

By the ones you think you love

They will come for you

...


	26. Bleeding Out

**Thanks for the reviews my friends! I know I just updated, but I fixed up this short little chapter for you all, so I hope you enjoy. This is probably going to be the last update for a little while unless I update Sunday or Monday, because school starts for me Tuesday. I have a little schedule planned for updates when school starts; probably 1-3 updates a week. So, ya sorry if there is a delay. Anyway.. Enjoy and review!**

**26**

It's late, 3:00 am. Donatello is still up in his lab, and Michelangelo is on the couch playing video games. Leonardo and Karai dispersed to their bedrooms forever ago, both achingly tired.

I lay on my hammock, staring at my ceiling fan as it spins in smooth circles, creating a soothing sound that calms my mind. Too hot for blankets, I shove them off of me and turn on my side.

I've been laying here for an hour now, but sleep still won't come as easily as it should.

Standing up, I slip my elbow and knee pads and belt back on, the only things I take off when I sleep in nowadays. No one knows about the scar under my mask, as well as the ones on my legs. Taking my wrappings and mask off is risky, and even if everyone knows about my wrists I still don't want them seeing them any more than they have to.

I exit my room, letting my feet guide me through the lair. Surprisingly, I find myself standing outside Donnie's lab.

Slightly trembling, my hand reaches for the knob. I push the doors open and walk in.

The lights are off, the gleam from my brothers computer igniting the darkness with flames of light instead. Don lays with his face on his keyboard, his drool soaking the keys. I smirk.

I bend down to Donnie's level and place my arms under him. I lift him up and turn towards the doors. He squirms a bit in my arms waking up at the sound of the lab doors slamming shut.

"R-Raph put me down! I have to get back to my computer, I have to finish the-"

"No, Donnie, you need to go to bed, it's late, and we have training in the morning." Donatello heaves a sigh. "I know, I know, but you don't understand! This is different I have to complete this _now_."

I shake my head. "You say that every night." Every single night I have to do this. Well, I don't _have_ to do this, but I think of it as my responsibility to make sure my brothers are all getting their rest; because he'll, do they need it.

"Please just let me go? I promise I won't stay up too late."

I kick open Donnie's door and drop him in his bed. I fold my arms just as Donatello thumps against his mattress. "No, you are going to bed and I am not leaving until you are asleep!"

"Why? Why do you do this every night? Why do you treat me like a child?" Donatello demands angrily.

"Because it's unhealthy for you to stay up so late and then drink nothing but coffee all day long!" I yell back in my defense.

Donnie looks up at my with a fed-up smirk playing on his olive lips. He chuckles and shakes his head slowly. "You sure as shell are one to talk."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"You're complaining about me doing things that are unhealthy and here you are, taking an overdose of drugs, self harming, and a practical alcoholic! What part of that is healthy?"

I suddenly feel as if I'm falling into a pit of realization and acceptance. Is this true, what my brother says? Do I worry him as much as he worries me?

My legs and hands are shaking uncontrollably, and I collapse under the weight of my world. Was cold, dark, messed up world.

"I'm sorry, if I come across as rude, but you honestly don't know what it's like to watch you go through this...this hell!"

_No, Donnie, I don't understand. But you don't have the worst of it, I do. You think it's bad watching me go through it? Trying walking through it, living in it. Cause if ya did, you'd realize that 'hell' is a heaven compared to it all. _

I'd like to say that, to let the words roll across my tongue, but I don't. Because I'm too scared, too damn small. With every second that passes, I'm weakening. Words blur into nothing but a distant memory, letters becoming scribbles in my mind.

"I'm...sorry..." I whisper quietly.

On the ground I sit on my knees, staring at my quaking fingers as they lay on the cold cement floor. Demons surround me, freezing the air, sending goosebumps rippling up my body.

Donatello slides off of his bed so he can sit in front of me. "You don't have to be sorry, really. I just wanted to...you need to know that earlier today, when me and Mikey left you with Leo and Karai, we weren't doing it to be mean."

Glazed over in darkness, my eyes lift away from my hands and onto my brother, who stares at me in sympathy.

"You left, you called me a psychopath." My eyes squeeze shut as a pain shoots down my spine. "You've given up on me."

I'm pulled into open arms, which wrap around me. I can't see, though. I'm far too busy running down the dark tunnels of my mind, trying to find even the slightest sliver of light. None. No where. It's all gone from me.

"I haven't given up on you, I never will. I've just given up on watching you suffer. Okay?" I don't respond as for the demons are strangling me, keeping me from speaking. "You're my only blood relative; watching you slowly die is the most painful thing in the world. I love you, Raph, but I hate your depression."

The depression is me, though, it's become a part of me. Growing like vines on a stone church, it's taking over me, consuming me.

"I hate me." I whisper softly into my brothers shoulder. "I wish I was dead, you know that?"

"I do, big brother, and that kills me inside to know that you want that. You're worth more than gold. These demons, they're nothing but distractions, obstacles. Don't die, please don't die."

"I'm trying, Don, I am honestly trying my absolute hardest to hold on to life but I'm hanging on by a single thread and I can't do this. My soul is dead, I'm just waiting for my body to catch up with me."

Donatello pulls away from me and holds onto my biceps instead, staring deeply into my eyes.

I scream internally, pleading for help, for freedom. No one can here me, not truly. They all think this is me, tch, it's the demons. I'm just watching it all crumble.

"I love you, no matter what you do, you will always be my brother. You can always come to me if you need something. I'm sorry if I haven't always been there, but it's just...I find that I'm more useful watching from afar."

"Times are changin', and I could really use you nearer to me, baby brother."

...

Oh, you tell me to hold on

Oh, you tell me to hold on

But innocence is gone

And what was right is wrong

'Cause I'm bleeding out

So if the last thing that I do

Is to bring you down

I'll bleed out for you

So I bare my skin

And I count my sins

And I close my eyes

And I take it in

And I'm bleeding out

I'm bleeding out for you (for you)

...


	27. Ugly side

**Thanks for the reviews everyone! School started today, and I will say, I had a pretty rad day. I hope everyone else is doin good in school, good luck to you all this year! This chapter is very short but has wonderful brotherly fluffiness that everyone wants to read after their first day at school, so enjoy and review. **

** 27**

"Here, two pills, swallow and leave." Karai said as she handed me two pills.

We stand together in her cold bedroom, where the walls are littered with band posters and sketches and words. One poem catches my eye, and I cat help but read it's fine words written in black felt tip.

_Birds fly, both crows and sparrows,_

_ Set a flight by the whispering wind,_

_ As their feathers glisten in the sun, they sing a beautiful song,_

_ For they do not care about the received looks from others, _

_ They love themselves, _

_ Despite there flaws,_

_ Because they have no woes,_

_ Only smiles and songs._

"What are you looking at?" Karai asked, snapping my attention back to the pills in my hand just as I'd finished the poem.

"Wha? Nothing. Hey do you have a water bottle or something for me to drink this down with?" Karai turned to her open closet and pulled a Pepsi out of the tall box.

I pop the soda open, waiting for the fizz to die down before plopping the tablets into my mouth and taking a gulp of the beverage. A sigh of refreshment escapes my lips as I draw the can away.

"You can keep that poem, if you'd like. I don't have much use for it, but you do. You can use it as inspiration, add to it, if you'd like."

I consider the offer, rereading the beautifully written words. "Nah, you can keep it. It's yours, I wouldn't want to pry it away from you."

Karai gives me a sad smile. It looks forced, it probably is. Who would be able to look at me and smile? "You talk like you're a burden, but you're not."

I chuckle softly. She doesn't know me, she doesn't know me at all. "You don't know a thing about me, sister. I am burden, my brothers are just too scared to admit it."

"Why do you think of yourself like this?"

"Because, Karai, I'm horrible. I'm hotheaded and step eased and suicidal and the reasons for why I self harm are traumatic. I wouldn't be able to tell you, or my brothers, I can barely tell Master Splinter. I barely know myself." I hang my head in shame. I'm such a confusing person.

"You're a great guy, don't forget that." My eyes widen and past words come flying back, hitting me in the face like a hammer. _You're a great young man, Raphael. Do not let anyone tell you otherwise. _

Those were Splinter's words. He meant them, I think. He said he did. But maybe he didn't..he doesn't know me..no one does...

"Oh." I mumble a response quietly as I walk out of Karai's bedroom, and down the hall to Leonardo's.

"Take your pills?" He asks when I enter his bedroom, which he's in the middle of tidying up. I nod my head slowly as I go and sit on his bed. "What's wrong?" Leonardo stands up straighter, about five comics still in his hand. He tilts his head as he looks over at me.

Uncomfortable under the pressure of his stare, I hug my knees to chest. "Nothin' in particular, I'm just..well..you know.." There's not even a word to describe my misery, it's so uncalled for, so unreasonable. I don't have a reason to be sad, I just am.

"Depressed?"

"Mmm..kinda. Well, it's getting better, I can definitely feel it. But, the broken thoughts still linger like a shadow in the night." Leonardo drops his comics on the ground and walks over to sit beside me. My big brother's warm arms wrap around my cold figure, heating up my heart by a few degrees.

I lean into the embrace, closing my eyes and inhaling the lemony scent of Leonardo. His head leans on mine as we hug. "I'm so sorry that you have to go through this. I wish I could help more, but I don't know how."

"I'm not sure how, either. But..we'll figure it out. I know we will."

Silence fills the room as we sit together, cuddled up, cozy, keeping each other company. Our steady breaths are the only sound in the quiet room other than the faint sound of music playing from Karai's room. Lyrics flood underneath her bedroom door, running across the hall and leading into Leo's room, finally finding my ears, and making me think.

_You are the piece of me,_

_ That I wish I didn't need,_

_ Chasing relentlessly,_

_ Still fight and I don't know why._

_ If our love is tragedy,_

_ Why are you my remedy?_

_ If our love's insanity,_

_ Why are you my clarity? _

I find it easy to relate my life situations to songs, and this is a perfect example.

With Leonardo.

As the lyrics portray, I need Leonardo desperately, but I wish I didn't. I don't want to have to be so close to him, I don't want him to see me. I'm a monster, a freak, he can't know that. If he knew that I cut while I dig a razor blade into my skin, if he knew that I laughed as I took an overdose of pills, then he'd never look at me the same again. He'd hate me.

I only want him to see the beautiful side of my soul, and it's so hard for even me to see it, I question if it's even there.

I'm like a moon, with each day that passes, my brightness shrinks until you can no longer see it, only darkness.

"We have to cure me, Leonardo, I want to be better. I hate this, I hate this so damn much."

...

I must have sneezed

On knees I freeze

I mean I just choked up

Somehow I slept

I dream, I mean

I dreamt of nothing

Able to breathe

A sweet relief

Now that you're here with me

A northern degree

Dove into me

Now I'm recovering

I only want you to see

My favorite part of me

And not my ugly side

Not my ugly side

...


	28. There for you

**Hey guys! Thanks again for the reviews, they were astonishing, as usual. I'm very sorry for the long delay in updates, but school has really tightened my schedule. Also, notice that this story has a cover now! Thank you so much Paranormal1365, I love it so much! Anyway, enjoy and review!**

28

It's been two months since I last tried to kill myself. Well, under a watchful eye, at least. I've attempted it at least four other times, but I back out last second. It doesn't matter what technique I try, I never succeed.

A knife to the throat was my first choice. I thought it'd be simplest. We have dozens in the kitchen, and plenty more in the dojo.

It was five days after Leonardo and everyone else had caught me. I'd been having the dream continuously, and it was always the same. The Shredder had the ones I loved most held captive, and only my suicide would free them. The dream would paralyze my sleeping figure to the point where I couldn't feel my body when I awoke. I'd begged Karai and Leonardo for extra pills, but they refused to give in. They said that they weren't going to let me drug overdose, so I knew I was on my own in this mental battle.

I'd snuck into the dojo as silently as possible, not wanting to wake my sleeping father or siblings. I tumbled, somersaulting across the rough carpets. My shell bent as I rolled, and I stopped just before the shelf of blades.

Reaching out, I stole one, the sharpest, the dagger.

I held it right over my Adam's apple, ready to plunge it in. My fingers trembled as I held onto the handle. Am I really going to do this?, I'd asked myself. It didn't seem likely, and in the end, I was still breathing.

The next time I tried with a gun I'd managed to grab hold of after a fight with the purple dragons, shortly after I'd been let back on patrol. I recall grinning like a psycho as I positioned the gun correctly. By my calculations, the bullet would've blown straight through my skull, hitting my brain, ending my life instantaneously and painlessly. I knew that I didn't deserve as swift a death as that, but it was all I had.

Sadly, I backed out last second, and the bullet nicked my forehead when I tried to back away.

Skin pierced, I'd fallen to the ground, passing out in a pool of my own blood. The only reason I hadn't bled to death was because Leonardo had tracked my phone to the alleyway I'd come to, and rescued me.

Over a month later and my head is still bandaged up. The bandages get changed twice a week by Donatello, and he puts me asleep when he treats the wound.

Suicide was attempted twice more after that, by jump and then again by blade. No success.

They know that I've been doing this. Leonardo is worried for me, plenty worried. So worried, that he broke down crying when I told him about the third blade attempt.

"Stop! You can't keep doing this, I can live without you, Raphael. I need you here with me, for me. I love you too much to let you die; please don't end your life."

His words struck me like lightning, piercing my heart with a wound as deep as a dagger would've made. Even more shocking, though, was that Leonardo was on his knees, crying.

He'd collapsed in a heap when I confessed. He shook his head as tears fled his cobalt eyes, soaking his royal blue mask.

Startled and disillusioned, I, too, fell. I held onto Leonardo, and he did the same for me. As the two of us sobbed, our cried making for a perfect harmony, a round of hiccups sounded from Leonardo's throat.

I'd chuckled, if I remember correctly. It'd been so long since I'd seen my older brother cry like this, a decade, and it brought back memories to hear him hiccup while sobbing.

"I'm sorry." I murmured into Leonardo's shoulder.

"Just don't do it again. Promise me. Swear on our brothers graves." It was a lot to ask. Really, it was. How could I be sure that I wouldn't? I didn't wanna go back on a promise, but I didn't wanna disappoint Leonardo by not making the promise.

"I-I promise." I'd whispered.

Probably the biggest mistake I'd ever make, but still, I made that promise. And somehow, I'd just have to learn to bend my back around it.

* * *

Leonardo lays sound asleep next to me. As his soothing, calming snores fill the room with sound, I pant heavily. Sweat beads down my forehead. My eyes are the size of saucers, though I'm not even staring at anything, just darkness.

Or maybe it's my soul.

The pills. I need them. Now. Right. Now.

But no, they won't give them to me. Two every twenty-four hours, that's the rules. I don't think they understand that the pills wear thin after 16 hours, leaving me to suffer for the last 8 hours of the day, five of which are spent sleeping. For three hours I lay awake in hell, clutching my aching head as I rock back and forth in my cold, dark bedroom. The walls are closing in each and every night, just as they are now. It's like the air is being sucked from my lungs, like I'm being deprived of my sanity, my dignity. And all of it is replaced with demons who taunt me until I finally fall asleep into a deep, restless nightmare. I gave the same battle every night.

That's it, I've had enough. I can't do this, I need to pills, I need the meds.

I leap off of Leonardo's twin, leaving him to sleep. My feet slip and slide as bolt around corners until finally ending up in the bathroom.

The drawers are all ripped open and I'm scavenging through them, searching for the drugs. Pills pills pills pillspillspillspills pills! My head screams as I become more and more desperate for the sweet anesthetic.

I'm not wanting them anymore to ease the pain, that was why I wanted them a two months ago. Nowadays, the only reason I want-sorry, need-them are because they provide a safe haven in which I can feel fine. Being without the pills is unbearable, and makes me feel like I'm drowning every time.

"Raph, what are you doing?" Tired Leonardo snaps me from my thoughts.

I jerk my head up, meeting my brother's gaze. He looks so worn out and groggy. Though, I can't blame him. He fights me every night now until I agree to sleep with him, and he doesn't sleep himself until he's absolutely positive that I'm asleep. Why does he do this? I've been wondering the same thing for over two months now, and I'm still not quite sure of the answer.

It could be because he doesn't want me to go off and kill myself in the dead of night when everyone's dead asleep. Or maybe it's because he just can't stand the thought of me being alone. But my favorite, maybe it's because he just cares that much about me that it kills him to be away from me for too long. I like to believe that's it, but I know deep down that no one could ever care for me that much. I'm a lost cause, what can I say?

"Pills." My voice cracks, as if I haven't used it in a long time.

And perhaps it has been a while. Is it possible that my whole life I've been talking mentally, and I've never actually said a word aloud? I wish, but obviously, that isn't how these things work.

Leonardo tilts his head, examining my eager posture carefully. What does he see when he looks at me with those calm, peaceful blue eyes? Does he see a monster? Running ramped through his home, destroying everything in its path? Or does he see a boy, kind and gentle, who just needs a friend? I hope he sees a monster, I wouldn't want him lying to himself.

"Why do you want them so badly?"

"Can't..breathe.." He knows I can physically, obviously, but can I emotionally?

Leo does nothing but nods, and guides me into the kitchen.

Every day Karai and also take turns giving me my meds, and each day they hide the container somewhere new. Their objective is for me to not be able to find it, and boy are they winning this game.

Earlier today it was under the left cushion of the couch in Mikey's bedroom, and now it's hidden within the eggs in the yellow carton. They're definitely creative when it comes to hiding my tablets, placing the container in places I'd never even think of looking. The others may find the pills, but most certainly not me. I don't go in Mikey's room or in the fridge. The only places I go in are my bedroom, Leo's bedroom, Don's lab, and the dojo. That's it. I stick to myself whenever I can, avoiding anyone who isn't Leonardo as best as I can.

Why only Leonardo, though? Why do I allow myself to hang around him, despite my withering form? It's rather simple, actually.

Leonardo is the only person who hasn't given up on me. Since the second he found out about my self harm and suicidal thoughts, he's been nothing short of persistent, practically begging me to let him in so he can help me heal. And up until two months ago I was so reluctant to any sorta of aid coming from anyone. Finally, though, I realized that I need help, and Leonardo is the only one who can provide it.

Leo's large, gentle fingers pry open the tablet, and I watch carefully as he pours two pills into his open palm. I stare at them giddily as he offers them to me. I swallow them quickly. There one minute, gone the next.

"Thank you." I wheeze a sigh of relief, squeezing my eyes shut as the storm inside settles until it's nothing but a faint breeze, and then nothing.

Leonardo offers me a smile, which I accept gratefully. "I think we should change your schedule, I hate seeing you suffer like this. From now on, you'll get your pills each time the previous ones wear off. Donnie said that you only need two every twenty-four hours, but it sounds to me that you need new ones every sixteen, so we'll do that from now on, okay?" I bob my head vigorously. No one has ever felt the gratitude I feel now, and I'm starting to wonder if I'll ever be able to make this up to Leonardo.

"What's in it for you?" There's always something that someone wants in return, this is a selfish world we live in.

"Nothing, I just don't want to see you get hurt."

* * *

I hold onto Leonardo's arms, which are wrapped around my waist. His sleeping form leans on mine, warming me. A small smile creeps onto my lips. This is good, this is what I've been wanting. Me and Leonardo are getting closer, and I've getting better. Leo never leaves me alone unless he absolutely has to. At night he holds me close, ignoring the questioning glances we receive every morning at breakfast.

Just the other day we'd walked out of his room together, our arms brushing each other's as we passed through the doorway. Don, Mike, and Karai had all been sitting in the living room, indulged in the latest episode of Crognard. They're heads all turned to see me and Leo step out of the bedroom together, the two of us still tired as hell.

Michelangelo's giggle still rang through my head as he'd asked a rather disturbing question, "Are you two gay for each other or something?" It took every fiber in my being not to ounce on him and beat him into a pulp. What an accusation, how stupid it was.

No, we are not gay for each other. Thats dishonorable and disrespectful. We're just close, and we have each other's backs.

He won't let the snakes torment me, and I won't let them hurt him.

* * *

Leonardo stands behind me as I stare into the mirror, studying my emerald eyes carefully. I search for the demons- snakes- that so often lurk there, but I can't see them. They're gone, for now.

I hope.

"You're getting better, I can see it."

I turn around and smile. "Yes, I am."

And for once in my life, I'm telling the truth. I am getting better. I really am.

...

I wanna be there for you,

Someone you can come to

Runs deeper than my bones

I wanna be there for you

I wanna be there for you

...


	29. Gone

**Hey everyone, thanks for the reviews. Who ever leaves review number 150 gets spoilers. Enjoy and review.**

Running, racing, trying my absolute hardest to get away from the beasts from within. I swallow two tablets, ignoring the uncomfortable feeling as they slide down my dry throat. The calming, soothing feeling of remedy comes setting in, killing the demons as brutally as they killed me. A small yet perpetual smile creeps onto my satisfied lips. I stare at my smile in accomplishment, my reflection only making my achieving gleam glow brighter, the lights reflecting off of my emerald green skin.

Solitude fills the air, setting off like a perfume as I stare at my recovering form in the mirror. I've made a habit of standing in front of the mirror when I take my pills, or at least when I'm not practically dying for them.

In the kitchen, Michelangelo is making chili. The aroma blocks out all other scents, making the lair smell of nothing but the spicy soup.

Donatello is in his lab, probably cleaning up the mess he made while changing the bandages that wrap around my head.

According to what he told me, the bullet that I shot at myself nicked my cranium, damaging a fragment of my skull. He's doing the best he can, but even with all that he's not sure if he can heal me. Don said that if the missing piece doesn't form back on its own, he'll have to replace it with a chip.

Now, the damage done to my skull isn't severe. It's not like my brain is damaged or anything. Honestly, it wouldn't matter if it's replaced or not. There's only two things that are urging Donatello to help me.

First off, I've been having major headaches. My head is constantly throbbing and amount of painkillers will put an end to the bitter feeling. I'm constantly cussing myself out about it. Though, I know that this is the price I must pay. Karma, that's what this is.

And second, it can be considered a weak spot. If an enemy hits me in the crater of my skull, it could paralyze my body or crack the rest of my cranium.

Donatello spends much of his time on me, whether its putting new bandages on my head of studying ways to finally end this problem. Basically, I'm currently my brother's top priority.

Leonardo and Master Splinter are talking in the dojo, discussing whether or not we should attack the Shredder or wait for him to come to us. Personally, I think we should just bring the fight to him, end his life quickly, right when he least expects it. Course, everyone pretty much ruled against me on that one. Apparently my 'fight-don't-think' technic is too risky. Not that I care.

Karai's in her bedroom, blaring Linkin Park through the speakers Donnie made her as a 'welcome' gift a few months back. "Forgotten" is playing now, and I can't help but bob my head to the rhythm as I walk out of the bathroom, walking down the hall and into my bedroom.

I slide down to the ground, and into my favorite sitting position. My shell against the door, I allow my head to fall back.

With lyrics ringing into my ears, I slowly drift into a long, peaceful sleep.

* * *

"Okay, so here's the plan." Me and my siblings stand around the island, looking down at the diagram Leonardo has illustrated with the aid of our Sensei. "Each night, two of us will separate ourselves from the patrol to spy on the Shredder. Karai, you'll inform us of all of the weak spots in Saki's lair, and we'll watch through cracks, Windows, and open doors. Avoid entering at all costs, if you get caught, press the emergency button on your phone. We'll all meet back up at the byerly after an hour, and then we'll go home."

Leo flashes Karai a mischievous smirk when he says "byerly building," the place they met up that first night.

"Alright, so who's going tonight?"

Leonardo looks around, examining us all carefully. When his cobalt eyes land on me, I know instantly that I'm one of the two people. The gleam in those dank blue eyes tells me this, I don't even have to note his faint nod thrown my way. "Raphael and Karai. I'll lead patrol. Tomorrow me and Raph can go, and then Raph and Donnie. We'll keep going until everyone has a turn."

Donatello spoke up in a confused, slightly annoyed tone. "Why is it always you or Raph, why can't me and Mikey go together or something?"

I suddenly feel unwanted. Like a rock's been dropped down my throat, weighing down my stomach until I feel like I'm gonna hurl.

Why would Donnie say that in such a hurtful tone? Maybe it didn't sound like one in his perspective, but through my ears, it did. Does he get jealous of how I'm always with Leonardo? Does it hurt him when I get chose first?

And why would Leo choose me over Don? He's so much stronger than me, mentally, not physically. But that's what matters most for a ninja, mental balance. The exact thing I lack in life.

My shoulders droop in shame. I hate that feeling of unwantedness, and that's the last thing I want to put on my brothers.

Yet, I don't argue with Leonardo.

"Because Raphael is my second in command." You can tell that my older brother is all business. His voice makes him appear intimidating and fierce.

"Why him though? I mean, I'm stronger than him, he's weak. You shouldn't be putting that much pressure-"

"Enough!" Leonardo pounds his fist on the table, a rage burning in the pits of his eyes. If you're as observant as me, you can watch the embers light. But, it's hard to see, and it's done with quickly. "Raphael is my second in command and no one will go to spy on the shredder unless either him or I are along side with you. Do I make myself clear?" With Shias in his voice, Leonardo's eyes narrow at Donatello.

Donnie looks back and forth between us before nodding. I know I'll hear from him about this later, but I'd rather not worry about this now.

At the moment, I have an enemy to worry about, and my top priority is keeping me and my family safe.

Yes, me.

* * *

Bloodshot eyes shoot open faster than lightning, and a sharp, weary gasp escapes my dry throat. I jerk upwards, my head dizzying and vision blurring. Not that there's anything for me to see anyway. It's dark, pitch black, no light seeps in through the crevice beneath my door, leaving feeling cold and alone.

For the first time in an eternity, Leonardo leave me be, allowing me to sleep alone in my own bedroom. Shit, I can't begin to describe how amazing it feels to sleep in your own bed again.

Through the past two months I've slept in Leo's bed with him, as he hates my hammock.

Tonight, though, he slept with Karai. I laughed when he told me I was free of him, for two reasons.

One; it's as if he's afraid to sleep alone, always sleeping with one person or another.

And two; he basically admitted to me that Karai was getting him laid.

Now, I'm not gonna go around and tell anyone, and I'm most certainly not going to question him further. I myself am not one to kiss and tell, therefore I'll leave my brother be.

Dropping back down in my bed, my eyes flutter close. For once I'm able to spread my arms and legs out, laying like a plump starfish. Though, I am the rarest bit careful, as someone else occupies the small slice of my bed.

Rhino.

My large fingers reach out, brushing over the kittens soft coat carefully, and a small smile appears on my face.

Knowing I won't be able to fall back asleep, I lift my cat off the bed and carry him with me to Don's lab, cradling him in my muscular arms.

When I open the tall, large doors, I expect to find my brother laying asleep at his desk, or typing away on his laptop. So, when I see that the room is empty, I'm quite startled.

He's just in bed, I tell myself. Even though I know that my thoughts are correct, I still go to his bedroom to check.

Alarms go off in my mind when he's not there.

I check the lair frantically, walking up my family as I do so. But, he's not here. And guess who else isn't?

Karai.

...

No song this chapter, sorry guys.

...


	30. Hope of Morning

**Chapter 30 Everyone! Chapter 30 and we're not even half way through! Woah! Thank you all so much for your love and support through this story, I'm glad everyone is enjoying it as much as I am. Before I shut up and let you read the story, I do have a few things to announce. **

** First off, Lollypop865 recieved ****the spoilers for review number 150. Next person to receive spoilers will be reviewer 200, so let's work towards that goal!**

** Second, within the last time I updated this story I did publish a new fic. It is titled "The Eyes of Another" and is Leonardo's POV through this story. A prequel, if you will. If you're interested then please, read it! **

** Anyway, enjoy and review!**

I don't know how long I've been here, but I'm itching to get out. It could've been months, or days. Hours, even. Time is hard to keep track of in here, despite the ticking clock on the wall outside these iron bars.

My shell leans against the brick wall enclosing me in this jail, and I hesitatingly drop my head back to rest there as well. Hesitant. That's what I've become.

When you're in a place like this, one wrong move could mean the end of your life. And even if me and Xever are the only ones down here, there are always others watching. Though the cameras are hidden well, I know they're there. Shredder wouldn't be so naive to leaving me unguarded.

But that's how I know that it's nighttime. When Xever leaves his post and I'm all alone once more. He's the one Shredder assigned as my guard. He watches me from the other side of the iron bars that hold me back, and yet, he's barely ever focused on me. Mostly he just sits there, carving things in the handles of his weapons or sharpening his blades. I like to tease him, shouting out, "What's the point of whetting those if you're never gonna get ta use them?" He'll then snarl at me with his yellow eyes narrowed into slits, and a low growl echoes throughout the chambers of the dungeon.

Yet, I suppose that Xever ain't all that bad. I mean, yeah, he's working for the Shredder and yes, he's the one in charge of keeping me behind bars, but at least I'm not completely isolated when he's down here. Sometimes we talk. He'll tell me about all the news surrounding the outside world, and he'll tell me stories about when he was a boy. And every once in a while, he'll ask me about my childhood.

I'll stutter, not quite sure how to word such a foreign topic. "Uh, well, I have three brothers. I was closest to Leo, and Mikey, not so much Donnie. My brothers and I..we didn't really have much, ya know? Just each other and our father," Father, the word rolls across my tongue, leaving a peculiar feeling lingering in my mouth. "But, I think I sorta misused that."

What do I mean by that, he'll ask me.

That's when I look him dead on in the eyes and say, "I was the monster they feared lived beneath their bed."

What a strange look I received, though, I refused to let it faze me.

I'd only gone back to humming.

Anyway, this whole 'captured-by-the-enemy' isn't as wretched as it could be. I get three meals a day, as much sleep as I could possible wish for, and even some sparring. Well, sparring is one word for it.

Every once in a while, Shred-Head will come down here, and let me say, I'm the biggest bitch to him.

He'll walk down here calmly, a herd of footbots at his tail. Most of the time I'll be pressed against the iron bars, my arms slid through two holes, slumped down as my face rests against the cold bars.

One day I'd worn a mocking smirk on my daring lips as I watched him approach, and I felt like challenging him. What happened was fatal.

"Well look who it is," I'd croaked, my voice rough and vulnerable sounding. "The jackass who locked me up. What's even the point of keeping me here? You just gonna leave Xever, one of your strongest soldiers, down here to watch me rot? Isn't that a little, ya know, wasteful?"

Oroku Saki's low growl hisses at me like a K9's. "Quiet, Kame."

"Quiet? I'll shut my mouth when I want to-"

"ENOUGH!" The Shredder bellowed, his howl filling the chambers I'd learned to call home.

He drew his arm back, his metal claws unsheathing. When they were brought down in one, swift, fast movement, my face was slit open.

Crimson red blood poured from the deadly wound, and I cried in pain. Agony consumed my body, which was quite odd, considering my love for pain. But never mind that, my reflections aren't the point to this madness.

My face had been cut open, three large scars had been made, with promises to never fade.

I'd been rushed to Stockman by Xever and the robo-ninjas. The Shredder claimed that the only reason he was allowing me to be helped was because he couldn't stand looking at my wounded face.

This was the second time my head had taken a blow, and I thought for sure I was a goner, based off of what Donatello had told me about the crack in my skull. Luckily, the crater had been filled, according to the x-Ray that Baxter provided.

But that doesn't mean that all is swell, not at all. My right eye was badly damaged, and Stockman had to take it out. He sewed my eyelid shut.

So now I sit, thinking, listening to the soft 'clings' as Xever sharpens the blade he'll most likely never again wield.

That's when I realize, I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's go back to where this hell began.

* * *

"Donnie!" Donatello is my main concern right now. I don't care that Karai's missing, my baby brother is. My only blood relative is nowhere to be found. "DONATELLO!" I scream louder this time, my brother's name booming through the lair as I call out frantically.

"Karai!?" Of course Leonardo is calling for her, as is Splinter. Mikey is just searching silently.

I can feel my heart beating faster and faster and faster until it might as well be zooming out of my chest. Where's my brother?

"When was the last time any of you saw your sister and brother?" I turn around, facing my abnormally calm Father as he stares between me and my other brothers.

"Just before I went bed I was talking with Karai, she gave me my nightly pills," I struggle to keep my quaking voice calm as I answer.

"I was talking to Donnie in the lab an hour before we all woke up, I don't understand what could've happen in the time between," poor little Mikey's voice squeaks with panic as his soft blue eyes well with tears. I clench my fists as if they were my own, and I can feel muscles tighten as I fight the urge to cry, even if I'm not going to. Force of habit, I suppose.

"Leonardo?"

My eyes shift their stone cold gaze from Michelangelo to Leonardo, the youngest to the eldest.

Leo stands there, shaking, a confused, fearful gleam in his eyes as he speaks so quietly that if there was any extra noise, you wouldn't be able to understand his carefully sought out words.

"I..I was sleeping with her. We had sex and feel asleep a half hour before all of this..well, I feel asleep, anyhow."

I can only imagine how awkward it must be to admit this to our Father. Leonardo, the noble, honest, responsible leader, was laid by Master Splinter's daughter.

My head snaps in the direction of my Sensei. I'm sorry, but my eagerness to see his reaction is eating at me like a hungry pack of wolves.

"YOU DID WHAT WITH MY DAUGHTER!?" Rage overpowers all other emotions that so often shine in my beloved father's burgundy eyes. His fur prickles upwards, and his lips curl in a snarl. Teeth showing, nostrils flaring.

Taking a quick look at Leonardo's response, I can't help but admire his bravery. He stands tall and proud, his hands clenched into fists, a sense of determination in the gleam of his eyes. Like a warrior, that's how he looks.

"What happened between me and Karai is not of the essence. What's important now is that we find her and Donnie. They've gone missing within the past hour, therefore they couldn't have gone too far. Any ideas on where they could be?"

I ponder over my brother's question. Where could they be? Did they go for a walk in the sewers? No, Donatello and Karai have never been close, they wouldn't leave the lair in the dead of night for a stroll. Well, actually, would Donnie leave the lair at all without inviting someone else? Or at least without informing someone? No, he wouldn't. Therefore, he couldn't have left by choice, but instead by force. And what about Karai? Would she just leave? Most likely. Probably. Would she take Donnie with her? No, not unless he's beneficial to her.

Perhaps she knew that he'd be able to hack into the Shredder's tech, and dragged him away so that she could finish her so-called-father once and for all? No, that wouldn't make much sense. Karai wouldn't attack Saki without bringing backup along, and everyone knows that Donatello isn't exactly the best backup.

My hand trails up my forehead and over the top of my head until I find my mask tails, which I clasp my fist around roughly.

What's going on here? Why is this so hard to figure out?

"They must've gone to the Shredder's lair, though I don't understand why they would. I could see where Karai is coming from, she is hellbent on distraction. But not Donnie. He wouldn't leave without one of us, not by choice, at least," I speak in a puzzled tone, trying my hardest to fit pieces together to complete the picture.

Leonardo rests his chin on his hand as he considers my thoughts. "I'd say that that's the best idea as any, even if it's not exactly complete, it's all we have. Let's go team."

* * *

I slunk past guards, bashing their heads from behind as I make my way for the dungeons. Michelangelo is waiting outside in the shell raiser, and Leonardo went through the front entrance in search of Karai. I'm looking for Donnie, and luckily, I know exactly where to head.

Silence fills the dank halls as I pass through them, looking over my shoulder every few seconds as if to check for unwanted predators. The last thing I need right now is an attack. It's three in the morning and I just want to go back home and sleep, so the sooner we get out of here the better.

As I near the dungeons, the controlling sensation of being watched makes my chest ache. Suddenly I'm running, no longer caring for the safety walking in the shadows provides. Someone is following close behind, but they're slower, slower but still there.

My breath shakes as I sprint around corners and through doors, ramming any threat into the wall, crushing their bones between my shell and the wall. Finally, I reach the dungeons, and there he is.

Donatello.

His mask tails are tattered, one has been ripped off mostly, only about a half an inch left. His jaw is swollen, and blood seeps down from where another tooth has fallen. Scratches mark his plastron, and his wrappings, belt, and knee and elbow pads have been stolen, leaving him looking bare. And weak. Weak.

"Donnie! I'm gonna get you out!" I tear my Sai out from my belt and immediately begin working on the lock.

My brother crawls forward and pushes his arms through the cracks in the bars, and presses his oval face against the cage. His maroon eyes watch my intently, and his voice is raspy when he opens his mouth and speaks, "Raph, Raph you need to go, save yourself."

I stop with the lock, lifting my head. I meet my brother's gaze, and our eyes lock in a long, serious stare. "No," I mutter solemnly before fixating my attention on the lock once more.

Sooner than I'd expected, the lock had come undone, and I was sliding the iron-barred door open. Donatello took my offered hand, and I threw his arms over my shoulder as I helped him limp away from the prison he'd been held in for only a short period of time.

That's when it dawned on me; who did this to him?

"What happened to you?" I ask in a whisper, turning me and my little brother in the direction of a long, dust filled corridor.

"Karai," Donatello coughs into his elbow, and I can't help but smirk. He's always so polite. "She made me a tea, next thing I knew I was being thrown into the prison. Must've poisoned me. But whatever, that doesn't matter exactly. She did tell me her plan, though. She been working undercover for the Shredder this whole time, building up relationships with us until we finally spilled our every secret. She knew that if one of us were captured, the rest would follow, until she and Shredder had us all. Then Splinter would come, and they would have their revenge."

My eyes widen in shock as the feeling of blindsidedness sets in. How hadn't I thought of this? It was so plainly obvious, how Shredder hadn't been out in months, how she was constantly on her phone, texting an unknown number. How she continued to use the katas of the foot, despite our Father's forbid. So obvious was it that she was working under cover. Yet, how oblivious we all were.

Shoving that thought aside, I ask the question that concerns me most, "What happened to you though? You're all beaten up, bruised, bloodied. I hate seen you like this, Don."

Donnie turns his head the slightest bit, his burgundy eyes meeting mine. He's almost smiling, in ab amused sorta way. "I know you do," then, on a more serious note, "They beat me into the cell. I tried to fight my way out but it hasn't worked. Karai, the Shredder, Tigerclaw; they're all so strong. Not for you, though. You could take them any day."

I shake my head, a smirk playin' on my lips as I short in unease. "Well, I don't know about that."

"Raph," the gruffness of my little brother's voice is unsettling. If I hadn't known who I was speaking to I might not know it was him. "I'm sorry about what I said earlier," he continues, more broadly this time, "you are strong, you're not at all weak. Actually, you're the strongest person I know."

I can't help it, I swerve my brother over to the wall after we pass through the next corridor.

Through the darkness, I can pick out the glow of Donatello's soft, caring eyes. I know exactly where his face is, exactly where each thin limb is located. I'm able to pinpoint every place on my brother's body; all because I can see his beautiful eyes.

Bringing my hands up, I cup his head in my hands. Allowing myself to get lost in the chocolate waves of his eyes, listening intently as his breaths blow like the whistling wind.

"I don't want to lose you, Raphael."

As soon as these delicately woven words whisper into my ears, one of my brother's salty tears drips down onto my hand.

Donnie sniffles, and throws himself into my arms, burying his face in the crook of my neck. His sobs are muffled by the safety of my emerald skin.

I rub the back of his shell comfortingly, as, that's what he's always done for me. "Shh...you're okay, I'm okay. We're okay. I won't leave you, I promise. But we need to keep moving. Mikey's waiting out front with the shell raiser and Leonardo is, well, trying to find Karai. We need to get you home quick, I don't want your wounds to get infected."

Donnie sniffles one last time as he draws back, running his hands over his eyes in an attempt to dry them. "Okay, let's go."

We were almost there, almost.

We'd just barely made it, just barely.

But then he showed up, his eyes a sickly black. They shown like his soul, pure evil.

"Shredder," I hissed the vile name out as if disgusted just by the way the syllables rolled across my tongue.

"Kame," his tone sounded bored, as if he wanted this to be over with already so he could get back to sleep. "I see you've found your brother? What a shame it was to lock him up, the damage he did was nothing but a faint scratch, and even that didn't draw blood. Perhaps I'd overestimated you freaks."

"Or maybe you undervalued us!" I lunge at the man, his armor gleaming wildly. Even in the dark he's intimidating.

Saki draws the three, sharp blades from his gauntlet, clasped tightly around his lower arm. "Fool! You cannot face me!"

"Then why am I doing..THIS!?" I came at the Shredder, feet first, kicking him in the stomach with so much force it was hard to believe I was as tired as I was.

As my foot connected with his metallic armor, a soft 'ompf' came from the compelling kick.

I landed back down on my feet as my enemy stumbled backwards. Standing tall and proud, I drew my twin blades. Holding them smugly, I watched Shredder as he regained his lost balance. Now that he's upright again, he seems to be looming over me, taller, stronger than before. His body has been glazed over in an angry fire. It cackles at me, hissing my name as the wind catches his sparks. "Try again," it dares," you're nothing but a child."

A stupid. Worthless. Child., my mind added.

I snarled as I backed up a bit, inching closer to my little brother.

No! I wasn't worthless, I was whole, complete. My brothers said so! At least, Donnie and Leo. Both of them love me and don't want to see me get hurt, whether the strike comes from me or the enemy. If it pains them to watch me suffer, then it pains me as well. So, for that reason, I'm going to keep fighting this war that I've so unwillingly been pulled into. Facing both the Shredder and the demons within my ugly soul. I must defeat them before they harm my loved ones. And thanks to the lantern my family's love has provided me, I'm more hopeful than before.

I am good.

I am whole.

I am alive.

With those thoughts locked and kept in my mind, I backed up until my shell was pressed against Donatello's plastron. I then murmured quietly under my breath, "Go to the Shell Raiser."

With panic in his trembling voice, Donatello whispered back in a hush, frightened tone, "I'm not leaving you!" It sounded more like a question if you ask me. The fierceness in his voice as he spoke in a scolding voice. But I didn't have the time to argue, not when the Shredder was planning millions of attacks right now.

"Donnie. Go. Now!" I hissed and didn't even hesitate to bring my elbow back and knock my brother away. There was no need to look back, I already knew that my brother was running to the door. The sound of his soft footsteps rushing away told me that much.

I'm all alone, just me and the Shredder. Weapons drawn, we glare at each other, our eyes as sharp as the blades we wield.

Neither one of us moves, we instead retain our stiff postures, studying each other's as we wait for the opponent to make the first move.

Just when I thought I couldn't take the anticipation any longer, the Shredder ran at me, his gauntlet blades behind him as he neared me.

I will admit, I wasn't as prepared as if hoped I'd be for the blow.

My body was slammed against the wall, my shell instantly aching from the impact. My head flew back, banging the cold brick walls with so much force that I couldn't will myself to stand up when knocked to the floor.

I lay there, in a broken, wounded heap. I didn't bother to open my eyes, I knew that everything would just end up being black. I couldn't hear anything, either. My ears were ringing, it was like a bell was going off in my mind.

Therefore, I didn't know that the second pound was going to take place.

Shredder kicked me away from the wall, and placed one foot on my shell, propping me so I was looking up at me when I reopened my eyes.

Vision coming back, I winced in pain.

There he was, standing over me, menacingly, like the devil himself. His blades were pointed down at me, threatening to cut me open like my blades back home.

Home...

Fear coursed through my veins like adrenaline, rushing through the thin, worry tunnels within my body. I let it consume me, eat me whole. There was no point in fighting it. It was always there, mocking me, laughing at me as I drowned in self hate.

It's here now, the monsters. Standing beside the serial killer who threatens my brothers. How smug they look, grinning down at me like I'm their meal, one they've been awaiting for longer than life can tell.

Collapsed on the ground, as vulnerable and defeated as ever, I can't do anything but stare up at my depression and mortal enemy I'm fright. This is the end, these are my killers.

But I don't want to die! I want life, happiness, smiles and jokes and laughs.

I want my brothers, wrapped tightly in the safety of my arms.

I want what I used to have. Strength, honor, passion, and trust.

Now all I have his a dusty mind and shattered heart.

I'm nothing but a shriveled soul in a cracked shell. (Irony right?)

Yet, I don't want to die.

I want to heal.

I want help.

I want to be better.

I want to be saved.

So let me live, please. Don't kill me, not now. Not ever. Please.

Funny, how a guy like me, someone who wanted so badly to just die, is laying limply on the ground, with tears stinging his eyes, repeatedly telling himself he just wants to live. This proves what my Father has always told me and my brothers, and his thick Japanese accented voice booms in the caverns of my mind.

"You never know how much something truly means to you until you are on the verge of losing it."

Up until now, I just thought that was a bunch of meaningless bullshit said to scare me and my brothers into cherish what very little we had in our humble home hidden deep within the sewer tunnels. Being here now, though, looking deep into the face of death, I realized that my Father was never just talking to me, he wasn't lecturing me. He was advising me. Whispering secrets to me about the above, and all of the people in it; both good and bad.

My father has always been right, and I've just been too full-of myself to see it. Oh, how bad I feel for all those times I ignored his words.

I'm snapped from my thoughts when Shredder brings his left gauntlet down to my neck, the blades halting just before my Adam's apple. "Don't..," my whispery plea is more like a murmur, something a person would say in those moments trapped between the wake and dreamland, when they talk in their sleep, leaving everyone to wonder what it is that is playing out in their mind.

"Don't," my voice is louder this time as I speak, "Don't kill me and I'll go to your little dungeons by will. I won't fight you. Just don't kill me." Please.

My opponents glare refuses to stagger, though, he does step away, and he retracts his blades.

I heaved a sigh.

I was still alive.

* * *

Cold surrounds me as I stare at Xever. That's my story, that's how I got here. Though, there was one last thing that put me even deeper in this hell.

The blades.

Karai'd walked in the next morning upon my arrival, a box in tow. "Hey there, Raphael," she said in a taunting voice. "Brought you a present. Figured you might need a little cheering up."

I had watched as she unlocked the cell door and slid the box over to me.

When I lifted the top off, I was beyond surprised.

Dozens upon dozens of blades all in here. Varying anywhere from a razor blade to a sharpener blade to a pocket knife.

Maybe she didn't get the memo that I would eventually use these against her, or maybe she did. Maybe she knew that I'd fight my way out, and maybe she didn't care.

Either way, days later—or maybe weeks, I don't know—I sit, staring at the box, which has been pushed away from me to the other side of the cell.

Not today, my mind whispers, I won't break just yet.

...

My thoughts are racing faster than my body can react

The danger doesn't register, the fear feels like an act

Don't pull the plug I swear this isn't how I want to go

The sound of my heart pounding tells me there's still hope

...


	31. Unbreakable

**Hey guys! Long time no see, am I right? Thank you all so much for both your patience and amazing reviews, I appreciate both so much. All of you viewers are what I live for, so thank you for your support through this story. Please, enjoy and review. **

**31**

_Tick...tick...tick...tick._

The clock on the wall taunts me in ways no person could. Seconds of my life fly away forever, gone from me with no way to get them back. It angers me, being locked up in here, losing precious moments of my life that could've been spent with my brother's or girlfriend. But then again, everything angers me. And if it doesn't anger me, it depresses me.

I shake my head rather furiously at that thought.

No, not that word. Not that vile, evil word that constantly reminds me of the box sitting opposite of me, holding hundreds of sharp objects that I could easily use to slit my paper-thin skin. I won't be reminded of my scars, my flaws. I have to stay strong, just until I can find a way out of here. And the second I get home, I'll make a nice warm cup of coffee and collapse into my older brother's arms and spill every ugly thought that has ever clouded my vision. Because if anything good is to come of this imprisonment, it's that I've come to realize that I can't keep everything to myself. Leonardo is willing to help me, I have to embrace that.

I roll over onto my side, just in time to see Xever walk through the tall, arched, open doorway. Rolling my eyes, I groan, pressing my face into my rock-solid pillow as dim lights flicker on around me, adding just the slightest bit of light to the dungeons. "Turn it off...," I murmur in exhaustion. Its too early for this bullshit. Then again, it's always too early for me.

Ever since I was young, I've hated mornings. Whoever woke me up always had to scramble quickly out of my room in a "do-or-die" fashion. Because when I'm woken up, I'm a beast.

But I guess I always am. With death laying beneath my bed at night and a piercing feeling of worthlessness. The monster people see in me is no longer the ferocity in my emerald green eyes, no longer the howl I cry out as I stab my enemies repeatedly. No, it is instead the darkness in my soul, the one that chants for me to cut myself. And you know, most of the time I listen to that monster's seemingly angelic voice. I'm allured by its promises of safety and purity, wanting nothing more than to be whole. I wonder just how long it'll take me to realize that self harm isn't at all a way to help myself mend. All it does is breaks me.

"Up, turtle," Xever's heavy accent adds a roll to the word "turtle." "The master will be down here soon enough, and you know exactly what he'll do to you if you're still sleeping." Once again, I roll my eyes. Of course I know what he'll do to me. He'll scold me and probably yell and throw out a few threats. He won't touch me, though. Karai warned him not to harm me; they'll only be doing me a favor by doing so. Though I disagree completely with her words - I'd be rather enraged if I were abused, not just because I don't like being viewed as weak, either - I didn't argue. I just go along with it. If they want to think I'm depressed, then okay. I'll play along.

"He won't do shit. You and I both know that much, Xever," I rub my eyes as I sit up and yawn, stretching my arms high into the air.

"You'd be surprised with what the Shredder is capable of."

Now standing, I prepare to do my morning routine, one that I quickly adopted upon my arrival to this shit-hole. Arm stretches, leg stretches, 50 push-ups, 100 sit ups, and finally - my favorite - weight lifting. Well, weights are one name for them. Severed bricks is another.

With no punching bag and far more anger than I could ever control, I came up with the idea of punching at the wall. Now, I know that there's no way that I could ever just punch my way out of this prison, I understand that by repeatedly punching at a wall I'm not going to magically form a tunnel leading home. But it relieves stress, and let's face it, it's a way better anesthetic than the blades.

So, after punching so many times, chunks of debris began shaking loose, and, me being as resourceful as I am, improvised by using those bricks for weights.

At least I'll still be physically strong.

Well, as strong as anyone could possibly be in a place like this.

Undeterred by the fact that I get three meals a day, I'm slowly losing weight. My body is thinning day after day and I'm suffering from starvation. It's hard to satisfy my stomach when the only thing I'm fed is soup. It's hard to eat that soup when it would make me a cannibal.

Speaking of food, here it is now.

Three foot soldiers come stalking into the dust filled corridor, followed by the all-mighty Shredder. The head of the soldiers carries a tray - as usual - with a steaming bowl on top of it. I scowl, knowing exactly what's in the glass wear.

I stand in the far corner of my cell as a small door is opened from the side, and my tray is pushed through. The door slides shut.

My eyes immediatly shoot from my meal to the sicko holding me captive. Never have I ever burned with such rage. Just the sight of him pisses me off.

Shredder stands there, arms folded a challenging gleam to his stone cold eyes.

"Go on, Kame, eat."

Disgusted, my lips curl in a snarl, my teeth barring as fiercely as a lions. "No," I hiss in a temper too high to ever cool down.

Why is he so surprised that his eyes widen?

Why is Xever so shocked that he stands up?

Why do the foot soldiers take steps back?

Why am I so damn fearless all of a sudden?

Because my brothers sanity depends on me getting out of here alive.

Ah, now I get it. Now I see why Leonardo never second guessed his ruthless plans. Because all he cared about was getting us all home safely. That's all I want, because I know that, despite being protected by the thick sewer walls, my family is on edge and frightful. They won't get a good nights sleep until I'm home with them. And even then they'll watch over me like hawks. Only thing that'll be foreign is that..for once, I don't think I'll care as much. I'll embrace my family and cry on their shoulders and we'll finally be a real family. I'll rid myself of my dark and evil thoughts and never again self harm.

But that can't happen just yet. You can't just wish up a happy ending and have it come true. You gotta put some story, some filling, in the middle. So, here's my story. It starts now.

"Eat," Shredder's hiss is sharper this time, as deadly as the blades in the crest of his gauntlet.

"No." My hand swipes at the bowl, knocking it clean onto the floor. My eyes don't leave Shredder the entire time, my captivator, my enemy. I don't need to look to know that the creamy, green broth is spreading around on the floor, making a puddle for the chunks scaly meat to swim in. As usual, the empty shell is there too. When the plastron hits the ground it clangs, it's sound echoing off of the walls, the booming roar bouncing around until the silence has been shattered like my hopes of breaking free.

My knuckles grow pale as they clench my fingers hard. My teeth clasp together as my lips curl. I will not back down, not today. No more will I be looked at as weak. I am strong. I will defeat the Shredder. And then I will defeat my depression.

"How dare you disobey me!" Saki bellows angrily as he eyes my pride filled form. He means to frighten me, but for anything he just built my strength.

"How dare you lock me in here," I take a few steps forward, coming closer to the bars that create a barrier between me and the Shredder. "Depriving me of my life! My brothers are coming for me, and I won't do you much good if I'm dead; so quit threatening me. You need me and you know it," I've never felt my words pierce the air so sharply in my life. Yes, I've hissed words as serrated as a dagger, but this is something new.

It's like that first cold breeze at the start of autumn, right when you realize that the fun is over. It's like first step into a pond, when everything is sucked out of you because of the new experience. It's like watching a movie and having to wait for the sequel, when you're sitting, waiting for what comes next.

Which is me in this situation.

"Need you? I do not need you. It wouldn't matter if you were dead or not, your freak show family won't know how to tell if you're dead or alive; they'll come to me no matter what."

That's when it happens. I have a Leonardo moment.

A plan instantly forms in my head and I leap into it.

"Actually, no, they won't come if I'm dead. Us mutants, you see, have a telepathic gift. We can read through each other's minds, no matter how far away the other is. In fact, my brothers are listening in right now." Shredder's eyes widen into saucers, and it takes every fiber in my being not to smirk. He's fallen into my trap. "Sadly, though, Xever here doesn't have that gift. I've been trying so hard to communicate with him, but it just isn't working." I need some escape, okay?

Saki studies me before speaking, this time to his soldiers rather than me. "Call up the monsters, I have business to attend to."

Sooner than ever, he's gone, his bots following after him.

Xever's yellow eyes burn into my skull. "Is that-" I cut him off, I don't have time to answer obvious questions.

"Do these cameras pick up sound?" Xever shakes his head. "Perfect. We start now."

Time to escape, bitches.

...

Where are the people that accused me?

The ones who beat me down and bruised me

They hide just out of sight

Can't face me in the light

They'll return but I'll be stronger

God, I want to dream again

Take me where I've never been

I want to go there

This time I'm not scared

Now I am unbreakable, it's unmistakable

No one can touch me

Nothing can stop me

Sometimes it's hard to just keep going

But faith is moving without knowing

Can I trust what I can't see?

To reach my destiny

I want to take control but I know better

...


	32. Plan the Escape

**Hey guys, thanks for the reviews. I really appreciated them. Not much to say, just enjoy and review this next chapter. Oh, and someone asked what that song last chapter was, and to answer your question, it was 'Unbreakable' by Fireflight. **

"Tell me, Xever, do you have a family?" I focus on the box in front of me, containing hundreds of blades, all given to me as a source of self harm. I've resisted the urge for so long, but I may as well make a cut or two, considering ice formed a plan to escape.

Trusting me, Xever sighs and launches into a pleasing response, "Not anymore. My girlfriend, Vanessa, left me when saw my mutant form. She was six months pregnant with our baby girl when I left. And that was-"

"Almost two years ago," I finish his statement for him. He nods. "So, your daughter, she's about 20 months old?"

Xever's yellow eyes are full of solemn as he nods slowly. "20 months and I don't even know her name."

I glance up at him, staring with a glint of sympathy in my emerald eyes. That pang of pity leaves my chest feeling tight, and I have to look away from the man sitting outside my cell in order to not break. Don't...not now...stay strong...

I feel as if the weight of the world is resting on my shoulders. If I dare put it down, the earth shall be off its axis, spinning the midst of space like a bat in an abyss. Leonardo's strength to see things clearly; Donatello's will to move forward; Michelangelo's joyfulness; my father's peace; Xever's hope of ever again seeing his girlfriend, and meeting his daughter; April's competence to love so dearly with her pure heart; Casey's salvation from the life he must suffer through do to his abusive father. Everyone's sanity rests on me and my survival! It's like cutting wires, one wrong move and everything is over.

My hand extracts from the box of razors, a tiny blade clenched in my fingers. If I were to take this sharp piece of metal, and slice it through my skin, become relieved by the sudden pain; I would be breaking millions of little, itty-bitty promises made for my loved ones. But that's not just it. There's more. I'd be throwing everything I've worked for our the window. I would no longer be clean. All those long nights spent debating whether or not to end my life or live on, despite my depression; wasted. All those times I cried in front of my older brother, begging him to help me change; vanished. All those blades that I ordered Donatello to hide from me so that I could be safe from them; meaningless. Because guess what? If I take this blade and swipe it - even if it's just shallowest swipe - I'd be back in the game. Everything else, that would all just be gone. Forgotten.

I look at Xever. He looks back at me. We stare, our eyes locking and sticking like glue. It's then that I feel like . . . I'm needed. I have to help him, and in the process, he will help me.

"I'm gonna help you. I know a way that you can be human again, and then you can go home to Vanessa and your daughter. But, before I can do that, you have to get me out of here."

Xever stands up on his robo legs, and stalks forward, coming closer to the bars that divide us both. He kneels in front of me, an eager look in his yellow eyes. "How can you help me, turtle?"

"My little brother - Donatello - is super smart, and he created a retromutagen a few months back. Get me home and I can guarantee you a canister."

I shove the box away from me, still holding my chosen blade in my palm. It makes a loud 'thump' when it hits the wall, and the sound echoes off the concrete walls.

Legs crossed over each other, and I stare straight ahead, at Xever. "All I need you to do, is do whatever I say. Can you do that?" He nods, and I smirk.

If all goes as planned, I'll be home within the week. Better get in contact with the ones I love. They'll need a heads up warning upon my arrival.

* * *

"Leonardo!?" I call out into the darkness.

"Master Splinter!?" Silence follows my cries.

"Donatello!?" Well of course Donnie-boy ain't gonna be here, he doesn't have the time for this shit.

"Michelangelo!?" Hell, am I desperate to be calling out to him.

Darkness surrounds me, there isn't any setting, there aren't any sounds, there isn't anyone here but me.

This is stupid. It ain't gonna work. I knew that from the start. I roll my eyes.

Screw this. Screw all of it. No form of meditation can help you come in spiritual contact with anybody. No matter how deep of a trance your in. I was always right - this is complete bullshit.

Not sure what to do, I pace around, continuing to call out names. The one I repeat the most is Leonardo's.

"LEO!" I bellow as loudly as I can. Several minutes pass by before I sit down, accepting fate.

I sigh. This was never gonna work. My eyes begin to well with tears. I'm not going to see my brothers for a while; I'm not going to get out. I'm not strong enough. I'll never escape the Shredder. He's so powerful, and I'm so weak. I'd be better off joining his side of the war . . .

"Raph!? Raph was that you!?" Leo.

"LEO!" I stand up and start running towards his voice. "LEO IM HERE!"

As my feet lift and fall to the ground, moving me at a faster pace than ever before, a terrain is slowly formed around me.

I'm in a field of tall grasses. The sky is blue, and there's forest on the outskirts of the field. I don't pay any attention to where my feet are fitting the ground. Therefore, I don't see the large puddle.

My left foot slams hard onto the mud, and quickly slips back as I try to move forward. Tumbling, falling to the ground, I scream out, "Agh!"

But I don't hit the ground, I'm lifted into someone's arms. Leonardo.

He grabs me by the elbows and lifts me up, propping me back on my feet in a more balanced way.

My jaw drops as I stare into his sapphire eyes. He's different, so much different. His eyes look weary, with bags beneath them. His posture is slumped, making him look beyond tired. Thousands of bruises mark his arms and legs, and when he blinks I notice the black surrounding his right eye.

Glancing down, his knuckles are covered in blisters, the kinds I get after too many long hours at the punching bag. His wrappings are tattered at the seams, resulting them to look old and battered.

Overall, Leonardo looks . . . different. Nearly dead, perhaps. The boy I'm staring at is nothing like my brother.

"Leo," I murmur as I fall against him, wrapping my arms around his shell, holding him close like I'm never gonna let go.

I wish I could see the smile that I sense creeping onto his dry lips as he replies with my own name, "Raph."

"It's been forever . . .," I trail off, unable to finish my statement. The tears have not strayed from my eyes, not yet. They continue tickle my eyes as I blink repeatedly, trying to set them free - or get rid of them all together.

"Two months."

I draw back, wrapping my arms around my older brother's biceps. "Two months?" I repeat in disbelief.

Slowly and sorrowfully, Leonardo nods. "We have a lot to discuss; follow me, I know a place where we can rest."

* * *

"After we got back to the lair without you or Karai, Father went berserk. He lashed out and yelled. Angry, he'd struck Michelangelo, cutting his baby soft skin open with his long claws. Donatello whisked Mikey away to the infirmary, where he confirmed that it was itching big, just a faint scratch. Though, I didn't take it lightly. Splinter had drawn blood from my baby brother, I clouding just ignore that. Father or Sensei or Master, I didn't matter to me. I had a duty, and that was to keep my brothers safe, at all costs," Leonardo runs his hands up and down a stick quickly, attempting to start a fire as he gives me a thorough explanation of what happened upon my imprisonment.

"We battled, like, a full-on battle, Raph. It wasn't a spar, it was a fight. Not a very clean one, either. Splinter mopped the floor with me, striking harder than any father ever should to their child. I can still hear his hostile words ringing through my mind, 'How dare you speak out against me. It is your fault that my daughter is gone!'" Leonardo heaves a long sigh of exhaustion. Giving up on his attempt, he leans back, propping himself up with right elbow as his left hand massages the space between his eyes gently. His mask has been pulled down, looking like a scarf around his neck.

"So, he's the reason you're so beat up? He beats you . . . on a regular basis?" I try hesitantly.

Lips pursed, Leo nods. "He won't stop the traumatizing until Karai is home. Not even your return would make a difference."

I frown at my brother, who stares at the ground in a hopeless way. For the second time today, I am hit with the feeling of raw sympathy. "Leo, I'm so sorry," I can't barely even voice my pity for him. It's too overwhelming to face.

"Never mind me, how are you? What's happened to your eye?" Oh, right, my eye. Almost forgot about that sucker.

"Shredder took it out. Isn't really that bad, I can still see and all. Though, that doesn't mean the overall situation is all good. It's horrible," I stare directly at Leonardo, searching his poker face for any emotion. God, he's so good at hiding his feelings.

"Do they feed you? You look so scrawny, I can't help but ask."

My mouth opens, but closes again. How even do I explain this to him? If he knew I haven't been eating he would kill me. Leo cares about nothing other than my life, it seems. He doesn't want me in any kind of pain.

"Well, I mean, yeah I get three meals a day. But, no, I don't eat it."

Leonardo leaps to his feet dramatically. Glaring down at my awkward form. "What?! Why!?"

I stand up as well, taking a few steps closer until we're just about a foot apart. "Because the only thing they feed me is turtle fucking soup!" I grab my head, curling my arms around it in an attempt to guard myself from the world.

Slowly, I sink down to the ground and hug my knees to my plastron. Leonardo kneels in front of me. "I'm sorry Leo, but I just can't do this anymore. They, they gave me blades. Karai did. They're sharp I could take them and just-"

"NO!" Leonardo screams. Shocked, my eye flings open and I stare at him in astonishment. "No, you can't kill yourself. Or cut yourself. Please, get out of there, Raph. Come home. I miss you."

Leonardo reaches for my hands and holds them tightly in his own. "Promise me you'll come home soon," he whispers pleadingly.

I nod. I'm already close to escape, I've got a plan formed in my head. All I need Xever's help, then I'll be out.

"I promise," I murmur quietly. "I already have a plan, I'll be home within a week."

Leonardo gives me a sad half-smile. "I figured you'd say that," he says with pride filling his voice, "Do you need backup? I can come get you, you can contact me I'll come and-"

"No. I need you to stay home. I expect to be greeted by you when I come through the door, too. Oh, and make sure that you have a steaming cup of coffee ready for me," I say with a mischievous grin.

"Of course, Master Raphael. Would you like anything else to go along with your beverage? Perhaps I could interest you in some bacon and eggs?" I chuckle and Leonardo's playful response. "Bacon and eggs do sound rather satisfying, thank you."

"I'll have chef Michelangelo prepare those upon your arrival," Leonardo winks at me.

"Sounds like a plan."

Silence resettles around us, calming the atmosphere created from deep meditation. I never thought it was possible to meet up with people through your mind, but boy, was I wrong. "Raph," Leonardo says, releasing my hands as walking away from me, "do you think things will ever be the way they were?"

Frowning, I stare at the back of my brother's head with curiosity. "I'm sure that when I get home I'll be able to get Splinter back to normal-" Leo cuts me off.

"No, I mean, back to the way they were before your self harm? Before your suicide attempts? Before me and you fought so much? Before we were such a distant family? Before the world shattered?" My one eye widens in shock, my body freezes from the result of the stunning words I just had spoken to me.

"Leo. . .I, I think that's a bit much to ask for; don't you?"

Leonardo heaves a sigh. "Maybe. I can't help it, though. I want things to be good again."

I nod in understanding, even if he can't see me with his back turned. "Perfect is a strong word."

"No, Raph, I don't think you get it. I don't need perfect, I just need okay."

I walk over to Leonardo, and place my hands on his shoulders. Delicately, I spin him around. When we're face to face, I'm taken aback. Streaming carefully from his eyes is a steady current of tears. They soak his cobalt blue bandanna, and curve over his snout. "I don't want to watch you suffer anymore. I don't want to be beaten by Splinter anymore. I don't want to protect Mikey anymore. I don't want to worry about Donnie anymore. I don't want to do anything. I don't wanna fight; or stand up for our clan; or guide you and our little brothers into a battle that we could easily lose our lives to. I don't want to be a ninja anymore. I just want everything to be like it was when we were kids."

I'm moved by Leonardo's speech, and I can't help but realize just how true the words are. Everything was fine before we came to the surface. There were no fights or wars and injuries.

Of course, if we never would've surfaced then the Kraang would've taken our planet and everyone would be gone, including our family. But that would be alright by me. Because then we would've died in our sleep, pleasant thoughts swimming in our minds like tadpoles in a pond. We wouldn't have to die in a bloody heap on a battlefield.

Leonardo's right, everything was so much better back when we were kids.

But, we aren't kids.

Not anymore.

We've lost our innocence long ago. No longer can we see the world with the clarity our younger selves had. What seemed so pure and elegant before, seems dark and wicked now. Everything has changed.

Who we were before is gone now.

Who we are now is all that's left.

I had just opened my mouth to respond, when everything suddenly went black. The forest had vanished into nothing, and I was suddenly alone. "Leo?"

* * *

The connection had been lost, though I'm not quite sure how. One second we were talking, the next I was alone in the cold. I'd pulled myself out of the deep trance is positioned my body in and woke to find that Xever was gone. I really was alone.

The blade is held in my hand not so long ago was now laying on the floor, looking as lonely as hell. I glare at it, and whisk it away from the cold ground. I reach for the box and drag it over. "Not today," I mutter as I drop the razor back into the pile.

...

Leave the wasting world behind us

We will make it out alive

Leave the waiting world behind us

We will not give up this time

Hold on to our reasons

And plan the escape

Hold on to our reasons

And plan the escape

...


	33. Wrapped In Your Arms

**Hey everyone! Thanks for the reviews last chapter, I appreciate them greatly. Happy thanksgiving, enjoy and review this chapter.**

"Okay, one last time," I say boldly, preparing myself to go over mine and Xever's escape plan once more, "I'm going to throw blades at the cameras, shattering their screens. When they crack, you cut the wires of the ones on your side. Then, you pass me your sword and I'll do the same. Hopefully, someone will come down to fix the cameras, or at least to check on me. When that person gets down here, we'll knock them out. You take the keys, and we run for it. Tonight I'll meet you at the abandoned warehouse just east of the docks. I'll bring the retromutagen, you take it, and we both go home to our families."

"Sounds easier said than done," Xever says with a hint of doubt dripping from his tongue.

"Ya, well, everything is easier said than done, Xever," I bark impatiently. "We just need to try this, okay? Besides, it's a win-win! Me and you get out and back to our families, and Shredder doesn't have to put up with me anymore. And, as a bonus, we'll let him keep Karai." The only reason Karai isn't a part of my plan is because of how risky it would be to stalk around the enemy lair when we're already so close to escape. Though there is a part of my that's filled with disappointment due to that; the part of me that can't help but remember Leonardo's lucid words.

"He won't stop the traumatizing until Karai is home. Not even your return would make a difference."

Leonardo had told me this, speaking of our very own father. Splinter will not stop abusing my brother until Karai is back in the safety of our lair, Leonardo is sure of this. I agree, too, sadly. But I can't bring Karai back. I wouldn't feel safe sleeping at night knowing she was down the hall. Not to mention how big of a threat she is to my brothers. She fucking poisoned Donnie and has been tormenting me along with the Shredder. Sorry, Splinter, but I just can't take any chances.

"Fine," Xever gives in with a sigh, "but we'll have to act soon. Make sure your aim is straight while you're shooting the blades; they'll catch on quickly in the control room - they're always watching you - and if you aren't fast enough we won't be ready when they come."

I nod. "Of course."

My stomach is filling with butterflies as seconds tick by on the clock above me. Glancing up, I read the time. 11:48am. If all goes as planned, I'll be home by 1:30. "Xever, you should pretend to fall asleep. And when the first two cameras go out, wake up and start screaming at me. It'll be more believable if you do," I order thoughtfully. Xever nods in agreement and settles down in his chair.

I wait 15 minutes before crawling over to the razor-box in the corner of my cell. Carelessly, I dump the contents straight out of the box, and mindlessly scatter everything around, searching for the three sharpest blades. A knife is the first one I find, though its handle is missing. I grab a random razor and sharpen the tip to its finest.

Two more blades are selected, and I prepare myself for my throwing. But, a thought strikes me. Something I'd never thought of.

Like Xever had said previously; they're always watching. Up in the control rooms, they're watching me shuffle through mounds of blades, and when the see me stand up and look straight at the camera with my arm drawn back and a knife clenched in my fist, they'll catch on immediately and foot soldiers will be down here in seconds. And that means that I'd have failed. No going home, no putting an end to my father's abusiveness, no hugging Mikey, no reassuring Donnie that this wasn't his fault, no kissing April, no hanging out with Casey, and definitely no hugging Leo and crying on his shoulder as I spill everything I've ever done.

Biting my lip, I force the gears in my mind to move faster and faster, until I've come up with a gruesome plan to substitute the first. I squeeze my eyes shut and clench my teeth. This is the only way.

"Xever, wake up when I scream," I hiss without barely moving my lips. A soft hum follows my demand, and when I open my eye it's as if I'm entering new person.

Everything is darker than it has been for the past few months, there's no more light or color. Hope has dispersed like the flames in my heart. It's flying away from me, out of sight. This is my only way to salvation, the only way I can feel whole.

It disgusts me how I have to do this; I love my life so much now. Is this how Leonardo felt when he stared at my scars? Did he feel as if he'd failed as a leader, as a brother? Now I feel as if I've failed myself, and my brothers. They mean the world to me, and I know that they love me just as much.

Three little things are the reason why I hesitate to do this task, three little things are the reason I'm struggling against my own plan. Come on, just do it!

I do it.

The knife plunges deep into my left arm. Blood comes out faster than it ever had with my previous cuts. Usually, it comes slowly, the cut remaining unchanged for a moment or two. Then, blood seeps out calmly. Not this time, though.

My arm is covered in the Crimson liquid within seconds. But I'm not done yet. I do the same to my right arm, but less deep this time, that way I can still control my aim when I throw.

The metal blade crashes through my skin, and I drag it across this time, making for a long gash. I don't hold back my painful cries this time around. While a scream escapes my throat, I lunge my bloodied-blade at the first camera. Xever gets up and yells at me, urging me to keep going. The cameras don't pick up sound, they think he's telling me to stop.

When the last camera is out, Xever tosses me his spare sword, and I sit down and hug my knees to my chest, the sword lying behind me, out of sight.

Right on time is a foot soldier. Well, soldiers, actually. There's two of them. The second is the usual foot soldier. Black jumpsuit with a red bandana tied at the back, and fly-like eyes. The first soldier, though, is someone I hadn't anticipated on seeing ever again.

Karai.

"Karai," I scowl at the kunoichi.

"Raphael," she replies with a smirk, "I've been waiting for you to act out against us. I'll admit, too, I was beginning to believe you weren't as much a rebel as you let on, but you don't disappoint."

"Oh, I'll show you just how much I don't disappoint!" I run at Karai, my sword clenched in my hands. With her standing with her body against the bars, I'm able to get a good jab at her, and by jab, I mean stab.

The once-clean sword pierces her stomach, impaling her middle as fatally as I'd done to my own arms only a few short moments ago.

Karai gasps and let out a long, high pitched scream, "AIIII!"

Behind her, Xever has already knocked out the other foot soldier and is struggling with opening my cell. While he fiddles with the keys, I twist the sword and rip it out, earning another scream filled with distress from Karai's mouth.

The door flings open and I shoot out. I don't waste a second when it comes to getting out, and neither does Xever. He's aways ahead of me, but only because I paused to grab a crippled Karai.

My only thought as I picked her up was this; for Leo. By taking Karai home I was pushing my father off of Leonardo's shell, I was setting my brother free. Of course, I knock her out before lifting her into my arms, and she throws up a worm-like thing. It moves, wriggling and squirming wildly, hissing. Curious - and a bit fearful - I grab the thing and slide it into Karai's belt. Then, traveling at the speed of light, I'm off.

* * *

"He's not coming home, you're wasting your time!"

Walking down the murky tunnels of the sewer, I can hear faint yells from upheld. I'm getting close to home - I know this by the marks my brothers and I have left on the walls after year of skateboarding. And as much as I'd love to run home and burst through the entrance with a Big Bang, I can't. Because I'm far too tired after the top-speed running I did on the way here. Plus, Karai's limp body is heavier than expected in my arms, which are both loosing blood quickly. I'm too beaten up to run any longer, therefore, I'll take my time. I'll get there eventually, anyhow.

"I am not wasting my time! He'll be home any minute now, you'll see!"

That sounds like Leo. Oh, Leo. I wonder if he's okay. I wonder if he'll look even worse in person. I wonder if he's heart broken. He loved Karai, and she used that against him in the end. Not only that, but Splinter has been repeatedly beating on him because of his romance with Karai.

"You fool! Your brother is not coming home. This waiting game you are taking part in is unavailing. Raphael is a lost cause."

My father's own voice sneaks through the air and dances around me. The hissing tickles my ears and leaves me with the sharp feeling of being undesirable. I struggle to move forward after hearing these harsh words.

"No, you're wrong about him! Raphael is the strongest, most noble man I know. And he is twice the man you will ever be."

Leonardo's broad voice booms with the strength of a thousand seas. His words roar like waves and his confidence streams like salty water. I smirk a bit, nodding my head at my brother's firm voice.

"Don't you dare speak against me!"

From afar, it sounds as if Leonardo doesn't have time to respond. A loud *BANG* can be heard, and I feel my pace quickening.

With every passing step I become faster and faster, until I'm running to the point of exhaustion.

Nearing close, I hear someone cry out, "Stop! Leave him alone!" A muffled sob follows, as well as a sharp, ear piercing Yelp of pain. The plea was from Michelangelo's soft mouth, while the anguished scream belonged to Leonardo. The bang must've been my father hitting him.

The thought alone is enough to knock me off my axis. All I can think as I run is: no one hurts my brothers under my watch.

I slid to a stop as I enter the lair. Sure enough, right in front of me, Splinter is beating on Leo. My eyes widen at the sight behold.

Leonardo lays, crippled, on the ground, his arms creating a barrier around his head, shielding his face from our father's forceful blows. Fury haunts my Sensei's bloodshot eyes as he pounds his fists repeatedly against Leonardo's bruised body.

Panicked and not quite sure what to do, I yell as dauntlessly as a hero ready to save an innocent victim, "Leave him alone!"

Splinter halts, standing taller. His head whips around to face me, and when he sees Karai limp in my arms his eyes widen and his jaw drops slightly. "Miwa," he murmurs. "Why is she so hurt?"

I roll my eyes as I say, "Because I had to force her against her will to come home. And in case you were wondering, I didn't bring her home for your sake—not for hers, either. I brought her home so you would stop beating on my brother. Oh, and if you don't stop hurting Leo," I take the sword from earlier and twirl it in the air before holding it against Karai's throat, "she's dead."

Splinter nods firmly, his lips pursed in a flat line. "Give me my daughter."

"Step away from Leonardo and you can have her." Obediently, my father takes five steps away from Leonardo. When my brothers safety is secured, I pull the worm-thing out of Karai's pocket and toss her limp body in the air, aiming her in Splinter's direction. He catches her before she falls to the ground. Just before he whisks her away to his room—where he'll manage her wounds—he brushes a strand of her jet black hair away from her face.

With him gone, it's just me and my brothers. Leonardo lays on the ground, curled in a ball. Michelangelo stands a few feet away, Donatello's arms wrapped around him to hold him back. I can only imagine why. Mikey would willingly jump in any fight to keep any of us safe; Donnie clearly didn't want him to be injured by our master as well.

I exchange weary looks with Donatello, my only blood relative, before stepping towards Leonardo's crippled form.

Bending down to his size, I rub his arm soothingly. "Leo," I coo gently, "I'm home."

Slowly but surely, Leonardo unwraps his arms from around his head. His eyes meet mine, and the smallest of smiles forms on his lips. "Raphie," he murmurs.

I smile down at him, a pang of sadness striking me like lightning. He looks worse than before. His jaw is swollen, and his right eye is sealed shut do to the puffiness of the wound, caused by blows that couldn't be more than a day or two old.

"Come on, bud, stand up. We have a lot that needs to get done." I grab Leonardo's hands and help pull him up.

Standing before me, a soldier I've grown to love. My brother's soft, sapphire eyes well with tears, and I can feel my own eye doing the same.

Suddenly I cannot stand being apart from him. I grab my brother and yank him towards me. I hurt my face in his shoulder and begin to sob as I clutch onto his bruised body in an embrace so tight that our shells may just crack at any given second. "I'm home," I say between sobs.

Leonardo holds onto my, his tears dripping onto my skin. "I've missed you so much."

Then, it's not just us. Donatello and Michelangelo come forward, joining the reunion as well.

Together we stand, as a group. We cry on each other's shoulders and hold each other close.

"Don't ever leave us again, Raphael," Donatello says in a pleading tone.

"I won't, I promise."

Together we stand, as brothers.

...

And I'm here to stay

Nothing can separate us

And I know, I'm ok

You cradle me gently

Wrapped in your arms... I'm home

...


	34. Home

**Hello everyone, thanks for the reviews. Please enjoy and leave a comment. Suggestions are welcome, as always. **

The needle digs a hole through my bloodied flesh as Donatello sews the torn skin on my arms back up. I don't flinch as the stitches are placed, unlike before. I've felt too much pain to be tattered by thread being pulled through my skin.

As Donatello finishes doctoring me, he heaves a sigh and climbs onto the medical table to sit beside me. He wraps an arm around my shoulders, and his head lolls to the side until it's resting next to mine. I close my eyes and smile, appreciating the embrace greatly. After two months spent alone in a cell, this is definitely overdue.

"Raph, you know that if you'd come any later you'd have bled out, right?" Donatello's voice drips with disapproval.

"Yeah," I whisper, leaning into his touch, "but I didn't."

"But you could have."

"But I didn't," I state firmly. My smile plummets as a tear drops onto my shoulder. My eyes go bloodshot in realization, and I quickly pull away from Donnie. No matter how many times I've cried, or others have cried, I still can't get comfortable being around during these kinds of events.

"Donnie," I murmur, shifting closer to him. My arms grab his shoulders as I study his leaking face. His eyes are positioned downward as he attempts to avoid eye contact.

One hand flutters away from his shoulder, and grabs his chin instead. My fingers bent below, my thumb above, I gently lift his head until he's looking at me.

Seconds pass by and neither of say a word. His burgundy eyes are bloodshot from lack of sleep, and the bags under his eyes look unbearable. Tonight, I promise, I'm going to keep an eye on him and make sure he sleeps. I'll do that for all my brothers. And for me. I think we could all use some rest.

I let go of him, weaving my fingers together and resting my hands on my lap as I stare at my little brother in awe. "What's the matter?"

Donatello bursts into a sarcastic chuckle and demands, "What's the matter? What the shell do you think is the matter?! You were gone for two months and we don't hear from you till last week! None of us were even sure to believe Leo, and the one time I tried to get in contact with you nothing happened."

I sigh as I explain, "Yeah, well, I only did it the one time. I hadn't even thought of spiritually contacting anyone up until the other day. And after that time I was too busy planning the escape."

"That's another thing, too, Raphael. Your escape resulted in you cutting deep; literally! You cut each of your arms, forgetting every promise you've ever made. Leonardo told me that, when you two met in the spiritual world, you promised him that you wouldn't self harm while you were there. But what did you do today? I'll tell you what you did, you ignored everything we've ever said to you and went and cut yourself to release some inner pain that we could've helped you with if you'd just waited three freaking hours!" Donatello yells at me, standing up and walking away. He pulls several bottles out of the white cabinet, the one that's always locked. He places them gently on a cart, and wheels it over to me.

"I've already told you several times, it was necessary if I wanted to get out," my voice is hushed as I watch Donatello stalk over to his desk and rip a syringe out of the third drawer down.

"That doesn't change a thing," Donnie mutters, shaking his head slightly. He fills the syringe half way with a pink liquid.

I sit calmly as he injects the medicine into my neck. "Well, it kinda does, actually. Would you rather have me back in that cell, or here?"

Donatello has his back turned to me as he opens the various bottles and pours pills onto a tray. His fists slam hard against the table, and he begins to shake. I can tell by the way his breathing heavies that he's about to loose it.

"I want you home and happy! Alright?" He whips around, facing me with curled lips and clenched teeth. "I want you happy and healthy and safe but I guess that's just too much to ask for, isn't it?"

My eyes widen and jaw drops to the floor. The only sound is Donnie's heavy breaths leaving and entering his nostrils at a slow pace. His patience is thin, he's just barely hanging on.

I feel as if my entire world has shattered into a million shards of nothingness. Donnie's words are far more stunning than any taser could ever be. I knew that he cared very much, but, I didn't know that he would burst into flames if it meant me understanding his feelings.

Pangs of guilt come shooting at me like arrowheads, impaling me deeply. I stare at Donnie, my lips mushed together in a tight frown. Tears continue to stream down his face until I practically leap forward.

I collapse into his gentle arms and bury my face in the crook of his neck. For the second time today, I breakdown, sobbing blissfully into his skin. Tears stain my mask as I wring my eyes dry. Sadness drips down from within, and the grief cascades into a butterfly of alleviation.

"I know, and now we can have that," I exclaim between outdated breaths.

"Promise?"

I nod my head against his olive skin, "I promise."

"Good," Donnie murmurs and squeezes me tighter. His head is on my shoulder as we stand in an embrace. I feel warm and welcomed. I feel at rest with ease surrounding me. I feel at home.

"So, what's wrong little brother?"

Donatello let's out a sigh, his hot breath sending pleasurable shivers running down my spine. "I've missed you. A lot. So did Mikey and Leo. And I just couldn't help thinking everyday you weren't here, that that's what it would be like if you killed yourself."

I inhale the words deeply and let them make a pool in my mind. Every day I was gone was a living hell for my brothers and an endless battle for me. That's exactly what my death would be like. My three brothers would be constantly mourning me, trying to move forth in life without me by their side. And I'd be down in hell confusing right for wrong, trying to find ways back up to the surface.

Never have I ever realized how much I don't want that. Once upon a time, death was my only wish in life, it's all I wanted. But now I'm opening up my eyes and seeing the disgust in that desire.

I draw back from the embrace, looking Donatello dead in the eyes. The slightest grin forms on my face as I say, "Well, then, we'll just have to make sure I don't kill myself; won't we?"

* * *

"Xever?" Darkness filters the windy sky, storm clouds blocking the moon from shining down. My calls meet the hissing drafts, mingling with the howls blissfully.

Out from behind a decaying wall he comes, sidestepping his way into view.

I walk to him, retromutagen in hand. Leonardo trails behind me. My older brother insisted on accompanying me on this mini-mission, having barely let me out of his sight since the second I got home. Which is a win-win, because I can't stand the thought of him being at home with Splinter and no one to guard him. Of course, Michelangelo and Donatello are both down there, but they're occupied with their own activities. Mikey is cleaning up after tonight's dinner, while Donatello is mending to Karai's wounds. I can only imagine the stress he's feeling right now. I cut her deep, and it was in the stomach, too. An image of his face as he first saw her unconscious, bleeding body on the metal table in his lab flashes through my mind. Knowing him, he got to work immediately m. But still, that doesn't mean it was an easier. I doubt he'll even be able to save her; he said it himself.

Xever meets me half way, and our bodies stand with a foot between them. The cold, glass canister filled to the brim with a sparking Orange ooze sits gently in my hand. Xever eyes the retromutagen curiously upon saying, "Is that it?"

I nod, "Yup. Only pour a little on yourself, I'll take the rest home to Donnie."

The vile opens with a click, and Xever glances at me and Leonardo hesitantly, as if in question of what to do next. His eyes are wide in question, so I glance over at Leonardo, who's already looking at me. With those sapphire eyes resting upon me, my posture softens, relaxing to the extent of my straight shell slumping back. The comfort that radiates off of Leonardo's pride filled form wraps around me like a thick blanket of complacency.

Leo turns his head to look back at Xever. "Bottoms up," he says while holding his arms across his plastron.

"Haven't got all night," I add.

Within minutes, Xever is soaked in the Orange ooze, howling as it burns his flesh, painfully mutating him back to his original form. His bones shrink back to the size of a mans rather than a mutant snakehead fishes. His skin changes from purple to brown in a matter of seconds, and his long, piercing teeth lose their sharpness until they're exactly like my own.

The transformation is a sight of never imagined I'd be a witness of, but here I am not watching my cell mate loose his freakish looks and go back to his handsome self.

He spends a while admiring his new body, his former body. Leonardo wraps an arm around my shoulder as a smile creeps up on me, sucking the weariness straight out of me. As I watch Xever grin at the astonishment of the moment, I can't help but tell myself that I am the reason this has happened. This is my doing, no one else's. I've done something to make a man feel new, and he can now be happy with his family thanks to my aid.

"Thank you," Xever says to me greatefully.

"You helped me return to my family, it was the least I could do to help you get to yours," I reply.

Leonardo's eyes wander from me, to Xever. "We'd better get going, Raph. Don't want to worry the others."

I look to my older brother and give him a faint nod of agreement. Just before I turn away, though, I stare Xever in the eyes and say, "Promise me you'll never go back to that life?"

"I promise."

And that's the last I'll ever see of Xever Montes. That cold, windy September night.

* * *

When we arrive back at the lair, Donnie and Mikey are both sitting on the bench, staring at a blank tv screen. It's silent down here, despite the noisy city overhead. Sometimes I wonder how those city dwellers make it to sleep at night, what, with all that noise it has to keep them awake. But then I come realize that I don't have it so easy, either. I have three brothers, one who's always barking orders, one who couldn't be calm if he tried, and one who's keen for knowledge, but also for the sarcastic comebacks he's known for making. To add to the crowdedness in our humble home, the subways are always roaring beside us, beneath us, and above us at all times. To be utterly honest, I've grown to find comfort in the squealing sounds of the dozens of small wheels grinding against the tracks as the car halts to a stop. Sometimes, I suppose, you get used to things, and when you are used to them, you find abundance of comfort in them.

I plop down next to Michelangelo, who shifts so his head can by resting on my plastron. Leonardo sits on the other side of me, resting his lolled head on my shoulder for support. My arms wrap around both my brothers, and Donatello grabs the hand that rests on the bridge of Mikey's shell, holding it in his own.

"So, he's human again?" Mikey says, asking for clarification.

I nod briskly, "Yup. And we won't be seeing him any time soon."

"One down plenty more to go, right?" Donatello suggests, looking at the positive side of things. A faint chuckle escapes his throat and follows after his words.

Smirking, I consider his words to be correct. "Two down, actually. We have Karai with us, and she ain't leavin' back to the Shredder any time soon, if I can help it."

"None of us are leaving," me and my two little brothers turn our heads in Leonardo's direction. His sapphire eyes are glazed over with refuge, making him look even more like a bulwark than usual. "We have to stay together, down here. We can't risk losing anyone." The word he leaves out is "again." But nevertheless, he's right, we can't go up there; it's a suicide mission.

Donatello's burgundy eyes widen in befuddlement. "But the Kraang-"

"No, Donnie, the Kraang are gone." When Leonardo's reply is met with disbelieving eyes, shooting him down faster than a gunner shoots a deer, he heaves a sigh and explains further. "We haven't heard word one from the Kraang in over four months! They're gone, guys."

I snort, rolling my eyes at my older brother. "Either that or their planning something big."

"Raph's right," I'm taken aback at the next little voice. Mikey, still laying with his head on my chest, stares intently at the walk across from us. "I mean, we didn't hear shit from the Shredder, and then look what happened. Karai wound up being on his end of the rope, and only traveled over to us as a sick prank gone wrong." For the second time in only a matter of minutes, Michelangelo manages to shock me. The mild language that escapes his mouth is rather odd sounding, perhaps because he's never been one to cuss. Yet, here he is now, saying the words I'd thought to be dead to this family. I guess that Leonardo and I weren't the only ones to mature, strengthen, and weaken all at once over the past two months.

Leonardo heaves a sigh. I know all too well how painful it is for him to think about Karai and the suffering she put him through, that goes without saying. The grief that clouds his eyes stings to look at, and I wince. "To be honest, I don't care anymore. The Kraang can take over the world, for all I care. The only thing I'm sure of anymore is that my life isn't going to end on a battlefield. At least if the world is demolished, I'll die in the safety of my home, with you three." No one responds, we just sit in silence.

Later on in the night, we turn the tv on. Me and my brothers quietly watch Monsters Inc. together, cuddled up close to each other on the bench. Donnie and Mikey fall asleep leaning against each other halfway through, so me and Leonardo turn off the DVD player and cover our little brothers in plenty of warm blankets before seizing to our bedroom.

Apparently, while I was gone, Leonardo moved all of my stuff into his bedroom. Our beds are on opposite sides of the room, as well as our personal items. It's as if the entire room was split in half; one side for me and the other for him.

I don't even bother with my bed, I know Leonardo will call me over to his anyway. So, Leo presses his shell against the wall, making room for the incoming. I pull back the blankets and skip onto the mattress with my brother. I waste no time getting comfortable. Soon, my face is pressed into his neck, his strong, alleviating scent surrounding me. I smirk against his skin.

Ah, how good it feels to be home.

...

Well I'm going home,

Back to the place where I belong,

And where your love has always been enough for me.

I'm not running from.

No, I think you got me all wrong.

I don't regret this life I chose for me.

But these places and these faces are getting old,

So I'm going home.

Well I'm going home.

...


	35. So I Thought

**Hello! Thanks for the reviews. This chapter is kinda short, I apologize. Well, enjoy and review. **

Steam floats away from my hot beverage, dispersing into the air, tickling my snout. I inhale deeply, finding the sweet smell of hot chocolate to be the most comforting thing in the world; well, after the boy sitting beside me.

Leonardo caresses his own mug, holding it close to his face as he breathes in the warmth. He does this every time he holds a hot decrease—whether it be tea, coffee, or hot chocolate. I find it pretty adorable.

The blanket wrapped around me blocks out the cold. It tangles around me like a cocoon, locking me in its arms. Yet, I can still feel the cold drafts come through the cracks when I shift my position.

"Leo," I whisper, not wanting to break the silence, "Do you want to share the blanket?"

My brother turns his gaze from his cup to me. Those sapphire orbs are the only thing to compete with the darkness, they shine through it, creating a doorway for light to walk through. "Only if you don't mind."

I can't suppress a sigh of frustration at his response. He always responds like this, it's as if he's incapable of answering a yes or no question.

Yet, I crawl closer to him, happy that I can once again lean my head on his shoulder. He pulls one end of the blanket, tying it around himself. We huddle together in the battle of keeping warm.

As turtles, heat is essential to our survival. Our cold blood comes to an abut or stop during freezing whether. Hence the reason winter—and the months leading up to it—have always been such a struggle to us. And although the sewers provide some extra humidity, it isn't much.

Within the last few years, Donatello has managed to create heat lamps for me and my brothers. He hands them over our beds that way we can bask while we sleep. But that's just about where the luxury ends. The UV light on the lamps takes up much power, making it hard to run other utilities while they are turned on and in use. This is the exact reason why we only use them at night, so we don't drain the light power we have during the day.

Luckily, we do have other anesthetics. Hoodies, coats, mittens, sweaters, hats, scarves, and blankets are kept on us at all times. It helps to push the cold away, and, as a bonus, is comfortable.

"Mmmm. Thank you, Raphie," Leo murmurs with a purr. He nuzzles his snout into my neck, his inhales and exhales warming my skin some. I'm too busy leaning into his touch to worry about the petty nick name, too busy thinking of just how grateful I am to have him here with me, here for me.

"Now, now, don't get too snugly," I whisper playfully against his ear.

Chuckling, Leonardo obeys, toning it down. Though, he doesn't withdraw his snout from pressing against my neck, and when he scoots forward, ready to hold me in a tight embrace, I take both our hot chocolates and set them on the nightstand.

I lay down, my head meeting the pillow beside Leonardo's. My brother doesn't waste time when it comes to snuggling into my neck, and he swings his left leg over, hiding it between my legs. The two of us buried under a sheet of thick blankets, I hold him closer to me, his body heating radiating onto mine. Suddenly, the basking lights turn on.

Both mine and Leonardo's hear lamps are positioned over Leo's bed, considering the two of us sleep here together on a nightly basis. With more than one lamp poised above me, basking is like paradise.

It doesn't take long before I'm practically sweating, but I don't mind it much, I'm comfortable like this. With my body pressed up to Leo's, in a nestle of blankets. I can barely keep my eyes open, and yet I'm not tired. I feel like I'm a cloud, floating through the sky, a blissful clump of air. His breaths, steady and calm, are the wind, blowing swiftly. I've never felt something so right, something so comfortable. It's nice, knowing that I have someone I can rely on.

I press a firm kiss to the crown of my brother's head, whispering softly, "Good night."

The whisper that's heaved back is soft, sounding more like a hum against the thick silence that surrounds us, hugging as tightly as the blankets.

I'm out like a light, holding my brother, warmth filling me, feeling closer to salvation than I ever have. In fact, I might as well be on its door step.

* * *

Clanks of forks against plates echo throughout the kitchen, mixing in with the sweet buzz of morning conversation perfectly. My mug steams as Michelangelo delights me with a refilling of coffee. I smile gratefully at my brother, raising my cup to him. Beside me, Leonardo shoves forkful of hash browns into his mouth while chatting with Don, who looms over the daily paper.

"Says here that I local pet store has just received a new shipment of baby turtles, I wonder if we were in the paper?" Donatello takes a small sip of his black coffee, going on to read the next article.

"It'd be nice to be recognized even as 'for sale turtles' rather than a 'disturbance on elm street.'" I mutter sarcastically. Leo nudges me, a wide smirk on his face.

"Hey, what if we adopted those turtles? We'd have baby sisters and brothers!" Mikey exclaims, hugging himself. His face his lit like a lantern, set aglow by the thought of a larger family.

I chuckle a response, but add a few words, "No way Splinter'd allow that. We're already trouble enough."

The room goes dead, and my three brothers look down, all at once. Sorrow fills their murky eyes, like fog against a lake.

I bite my lip. Things like this slip a lot. Even after a month of being here, it's still hard to remember that he's no longer our father, just a rodent who sleeps in the room behind the main room.

"I mean-" I start, but never finish.

"You don't have to correct yourself, Raph. You're right, it's always just gonna be the four of us. No one else," Leonardo talks in a reminder, and I'm not so sure who it's pointed at. From the way he stares at his hands in his lap, shaking his head, a dead look in his sapphire eyes, I assume it's for himself. Though, I could use the words myself.

"Yeah, but, we still have Casey. And April," I point out. Of course we have the two of them, they're apart of the group, the family. Casey and I are best buds, same goes for Mikey. And although Donnie glares at Casey a lot, and Leonardo rarely speaks to him, I know that they both care for Case. And then there's April. My girlfriend, the love of my life. She's definitely apart of our family.

Right?

I guess not, cause what Leonardo says next shatters my heart, splintering my soul.

"Raph, April was cheating on you. With Casey."

...

On my knees

Dim lighted room

Thoughts free flow try to consume

Myself in this

I'm not faithless

Just paranoid of getting lost or that I might lose

Ignorance is bliss cherish it

Pretty neighborhoods

You learn too much to hold

Believe it not

And fight the tears

With pretty smiles and lies

About the times

A year goes by

And I can't talk about it

The times weren't right

And I couldn't talk about i

...


	36. Pieces

**Hey guys, thanks for the reviews. I'm very sorry about the delay, hopefully this long chapter makes up for it. Enjoy and please review. **

I'm huddled in the shower, rocking back and forth on the floor, my hands cupping my head. No . . . no this isn't happening. April, she didn't cheat on me. Especially not with my best friend.

Tears stain my face, pouring out of my eyes as sobs escape my throat. The water from the shower head sprays down on me, thumping hard against the tile like rain drops. The water blends nicely with my tears, and you almost wouldn't notice that I was crying. If it weren't, of course, for my bloodshot eyes and slit wrists.

Alone, in the shower, in the bathroom, in the world. I wasn't good enough for April, that's why she cheated. She promised me love and acceptance, and yet, she snuck behind my back and cheated me. I watched as she impaled me, stabbing my heart repeatedly, twisting the blade as she drove it through and through, in and out. Blood oozed from my chest and I was dead. My heart stolen, bleeding out, I scream in agony. But then, she leaned in, a heartfelt smile on her lips. She kissed me, making me feel as auspicious as ever. Although my heart was thumping wildly on the ground, detached from my body, the proof that April is the one who killed me laying beside me; I wasn't scared. I didn't seem to comprehend what was happening.

So I kissed her. And she kissed back.

So I made love to her. And she sexed back.

So I dated her. And she loved me through and through.

Or so she said.

Blood drips onto the floor, staining the tiles. It enter mingles with the water, mixing together and falling down the drain all at once, as if the two things were never separate, only ever one substance.

Ugh.

I howl in pain and agony. I let my sobs bounce off the wall, and clutch my head in my hands.

Bare. I'm bare.

No mask or wrappings or elbow or knee pads or belt. I'm how I should be. Exactly how I should be.

My cuts are showing—the ones on my legs, wrists, and face all broadcasted for everyone to see. Old and new sit on my arms. I try to think of a time when I didn't look this scarred, this messed up, but I can't seem to recall it. A year or two went by, and I can't talk about the before. It's all far too distant for me to grasp.

I hear the bathroom door open, and followed by the soft footsteps of company entering. My visitor shuts and locks the door behind them. I don't bother to ask who it is, or acknowledge them all together. I only sit and wait, they'll show their face soon enough.

And he does.

Leonardo pulls back the shower curtain far enough to step in. He's in the same position as me, attire wise. Stripped of everything he has, he looks vulnerable. Yet, pure. As if all of that gear was the only thing that look like made him a ninja. Right now, he appears to be a turtle, a teenager. Someone who doesn't live slide full of truanting events.

He sits down next to me, his legs bent in front of him, arms folded in his lap, head leaning back. The sigh he heaved fills the air, meeting the sound of gushing water.

Leonardo doesn't say a word for a song time, nor until he turns his head to look at me and sees my blood smeared wrists. "You cut?" I nod, earning a disgruntled sigh. My brother shifts, scooting closer to me. He grabs my hands, examining my wrists carefully. The wide frown on his face is enough to me feel the urge to explain myself.

"I'm sorry, Leo, but I couldn't help it. The feelings, the thoughts, they're all coming back so suddenly and I don't know how else to cope. I'm just-I'm just so . . . dead," I whisper the last part, barely able to say the dastardly word.

Leo's head jerks up, and his eyes, no longer studying my punctured skin, meet with mine, abruptly ending whatever calm was left in the room. The disapproval in his eyes makes me want to shrink back into my shell, never to emerge again. Unfortunately, that isn't an option.

"Don't you dare speak like that, Raphael," the scolding tone brings me back to different times. When I wasn't so reckless, just disobedient, and Leonardo was constantly lecturing me on the destruction of others. Now, though, he's lecturing me about the destruction of myself. He continues on, his tone more soothing, "You're not dead, you're completely alive. You're beautiful, too, you just don't know it because you can't see anything other than I cuts on your wrists. I can see it, though. It's in your eyes, embedded in the iris. It blends with the emerald, moving with your stare. It promises salvation, Raphael, you have to trust me when I tell you that you only have to hold on a little longer." Leonardo's hands let go of my wrists, instead grabbing my own hands. Our fingers lace together, and I lean forward, burying my face in his neck.

As I nuzzle into him, steaming water warming us, drizzling down and wetting our flesh. Leo leans into me, real easing my hands once more so he can this time wrap his arms around me.

"Where did you find the blade?"

"In Donnie's lab. He has the bag of blades in the back closet in there, on the high shelf. It wasn't very hard to find," I explain, a pang of regret haunting my voice.

"I'm sorry you had resort to this."

"So am I."

* * *

I cross through the lab doors, flinching when they slam behind me. From his spot at his desk, Donnie looks up, and a warm smile instantly appears on his face when he sees me. I stay still for a moment, watching as he gets up and walks around the metallic table. It isn't until he starts making his way towards me that my feet begin working once more.

When we're close enough, I open my arms and pull Donnie into a tight embrace. Feeling him hug back, I heave a long held sigh. It's only one in the afternoon and I'm already so tired and sick of the day. I'd do anything to be drifting off into a blissful sleep right now, snuggled up to Leonardo.

"How are you feeling?" Donnie asks when we drift away. I follow him over to his desk, where beaker upon beaker sits, filled with chemicals that bubble and sizzle.

"I could be better," I murmur truthfully. I sit across from him, and note his every move as he mixes liquids together, creating new substances. In a jar beside him, sits the worm; the one Karai coughed—no wait threw—up.

Donnie doesn't respond, only nods. I lean my elbow on the desk, watching my brother intently. The bags under his eyes are dark, so incredibly noticeable that it would be impossible to not see them. His eyes are bloodshot, from lack of sleep, I presume. He hums softly as he works. I tune I'm quite familiar with; Iris, by The Goo Goo Dolls. I smirk. Me and Donnie always have listened to the same type of music.

Grunting, Donatello puts the beakers down, scribbling something on a notepad while shaking his head profoundly. A long exhale releases itself from his throat, and he meets my gaze with a sad smile. "You cut yourself again?" The question takes me by a surprise, like a reunion with a distant friend. Only, my self harm isn't a friend.

I clench my teeth behind my lips, not saying a word. I didn't put the bandages back on, or anything other than my mask, for that matter. It isn't a shock that he saw the fresh cuts, despite the fact that they stopped bleeding long ago. They stand out against the rest, looking darker and far less faded. It doesn't exactly take a genius to know that I'm back at it.

Still, no words escape me as Donnie awaits a response.

"Look, if you didn't want me to know then you should've covered it up," Donatello remarks with folded arms. The pain in his eyes shines brightly. I know how much it hurts him to see me suffer, I know how much it hurts all of my brothers. Which is why I don't hesitate to reply.

"Well what if I wanted you to know?" I talk fast, all of the words seemingly wanting to come at once. "I want to go back to what we were doing before, with the pills. I need the antidepressants; what happened to me doesn't make it so I'm cured, for anything it worsened me," as I suggest this, I'm acknowledging a thousand things at once. I'm talking about waking up to a missing Donatello, making a late night run to save him, battling the Shredder and then getting locked up. Losing my eye, earning scars, starving myself for the sake of my honor to my species. Contacting Leonardo through the spirit realm, breaking free and returning home to Splinter beating on Leo. Finding out April cheated on me. Everything seems to be happening all at once, so fast that I can't even get a thought in without being hit in the face with another missile. Maybe the pills will help keep the overwhelmingness at bay.

Donatello nods in understand and walks over to the cabinet. Out of one of the many pockets in his utility belt comes a set of keys. He sifts through them until finally coming across the black painted one, and uses to unlock the door. He moves several bottles around, grabbing the one he needs upon finding it at the back.

He tosses the canister to me, saying something about only taking two. I don't comprehend his words, my fingers already prying of the cap. I shove two tablets down my throat, refusing to wait for a drink to aid with the dosing it down. It burns my throat, yes, but the assurance of feeling whole again is enough to forbid me from complaining.

"Thank you," I say with closed eyes as my head lolls back against the chair.

"Of course," Donnie says with a smile plastered on his face.

* * *

Mikey tugs me forward, our fingers laced together as we pass through the dojo doors. He doesn't seem to care if this room is connected to Splinter's, his main concern is covering my wounds.

It upsets him, he'd said, to see what I've done to myself.

It hurts, he'd told me, to know that you've fallen victim to the evil I once knew all too well.

It's terrible, he stated, to look at the wounds that you, my brother, inflicted upon yourself.

At the back of the room, behind the tree, there's a rack dedicated to first aid tools. On there sits a roll of bandages, waiting to be wrapped around the wounded.

"Sit," Mikey orders, pointing a finger at a spot on the ground. I obey, despite my urge to want to argue. I don't like talking orders, especially not from Mikey. But he means well, so in what place am I in to argue?

Michelangelo snatches the bandage roll and kneels beside me. He wastes no time getting to work, smiling as he does so. A comfortable silence fills the air, relaxing my tense muscles.

"What's on your mind?" Michelangelo asks suddenly.

I frown, not exactly wanting to talk to my baby brother about everything that's going through my head. "A lot," I answer dully.

Mikey finishes with my right arm, the wrappings stopping just below shoulder. Every scar ever inflicted is covered, hidden away where no one will ever see it.

A set of soft blue eyes stare deeply into my own. The stare is passion filled, and welcoming, comparing greatly with our lives. Like a thick embrace in the midst of disaster.

"You know you can talk to me . . . right?"

"Yes, I know that. It's just-" I cut myself off, not exactly knowing where I'm going with this. Eventually, I find my words, "I missed you Mikey, a lot. You don't understand how good it feels to see you again."

"I'm sure it's similar to what I was feeling when you came home," Mikey's tone has grown solemn, seeming closer to sad than hopeful.

"So then I assume that you know what it's like to want to protect me?" Mikey nods. "Well, as your older brother, I've made it my mission to protect you. Both from evil thoughts, and evil people," I'm finding myself pausing every few words, as I struggle to puzzle together the correct way to say this.

"How do you plan to do that?"

Here it goes. "By not talking to you about my depression. Is that okay with you?" I'm talking to him like a child, but when I look down at him, tending my unwrapped arm, I realize that he's a mile and a half from it. Michelangelo, the boy who's IQ level is about equal to the size of an ant, the boy who couldn't not crack a joke if his life depended on it, the boy who currently looks as strong and fierce as any other ninja. Never have I ever felt so happy to be related to such an amazing guy.

"Yeah, I'm fine with that. But, can you just promise me one thing?"

"Sure."

"If you ever need anything, please let me know. I want to help you, and I will, in any way possible." I nod my head vigorously, and pull Mikey into a hug. His arms vine around me, tugging me closer until we're plastron to plastron.

We don't pull apart for a long time, not until my name is called.

"Raphael, may I speak with you for a moment?"

Both me and Mikey turn around and get to our feet. Splinter stands in his bedroom doorway, staring at me with an unreadable expression. Warily, I glance back over at Mikey, who is sporting the greatest of glares in his soft eyes. I bite my lip. As much as I hated to be in the same room as they man who abused Leo, I nod, and follow him into his bedroom.

The room is lit with candles, the smoking mixing in the with smell of chestnut, just as it usually does. I stand beside the closed doorway read to make a mistake if I have to. "What do you want?" I demand through gritted teeth. My hands are balled into fists at my sides, keeping them from trembling.

In front of me, Splinter gives me a sharp glare. His eyes are filled to the brim with disapproval, and his voice only adds to the emotion. "I am your father, you will not speak to me with such disrespect." I scoff. Father my ass; he's not even close to that role.

"I'm pretty sure you abused that privilege," I mutter coldly.

"What do you mean by that?"

I chuckle, amused by his confusion. "Let's just say that I know for a fact that your status isn't the only thing you abused," as the sentence goes further my tone becomes darker and darker, lower and lower. Suddenly it's like if I went on any further, my voice would be barely a gasp.

"What I did to your brother is one of my greatest regrets." He sounds tired as he says this, and grief clouds his eyes.

Anger courses through me. How dare he he regrets his actions when he made them day after day after day. "You're full of shit!" I bellow, not able to maintain me frustration any longer. "That doesn't change a thing. The bruises still litter his body; and his soul!" When a reply of defense doesn't come, I continue on, "He looked up to you, worshipped you. Wanted to be just like you. And you hurt him in ways no father should hurt his child."

I turn around, ready to leave. I was sick of this conversation before it began. Just before I can leave, though, Splinter speaks. "All is fair in love and war."

Those are the last words I'll ever hear him say. Later on, I'll reflect back to this, and find them rather touching. As for now, I shake my head, a low growl in my throat as I stalk out.

* * *

I'm surprised to see Donnie and Mikey when I enter mine and Leo's room, but my surprise falters when Leonardo comes rushing at me with his arms extended. The embrace he pulls me into is tight and forced, and I can feel a sense of worry radiating off of my brother.

Pulling apart, Leo leads me over to sit next to him on his bed, while Donnie and Mikey sit on my hammock. "Mikey told us Splinter talked to you, what was that about?" Concern floods Leo's tone, and I grab his hand, squeezing it, reassuring him.

"He didn't really say what he wanted to; I didn't give him the chance. What he did say, though, upon my brining up, was that he regrets what he did to you," I bite my tongue inside my mouth, waiting for Leo's reply.

Time passes by, and Leonardo refuses to meet me eye. He stares at our locked hands. Tears form in his sapphire eyes, and he flinches, several falling down at once. I know instantly that within his mind the memories of the beatings are playing over. And over. And over again.

I let go of Leo's hand and wrap him in my arms securely. A sob escapes his throat as more tears race down his face, dripping down to my shoulder. Across the room, Mikey whimpers faintly, but I ignore him and Donnie for just a sliver of a moment, only seeking to care about reassuring Leo.

"But a told him he was full of shit!" I say rather it loudly, wanting my frail voice to be heard over my brother's sobs. "I told him that the bruises remain on your body soul and no sorry is ever gonna change that. And although I can't do nothin' about the physical injuries, I can do stuff about the inner ones. I'm gonna help you get through this, and so are Donnie and Mikey. Because we're a team, a family. Nothing will ever change that. Never."

Leonardo collapses more into my grip, which I find comforting. Months ago we weren't even close to where we are now—I used to push just a faint shoulder touch away, now we're sleeping in each other's arms and rarely leaving each other's sights during the day.

"What are we gonna do, Raphie?" Leo cries out between hiccups and sobs.

I furrow my brow. Ah, the million dollar question. What will we do?

For the past month we've hid down here, never coming when the Foot soldiers strike, or when the Purple Dragons go on their breaking-and-entering sprees, or even when the Kraang threaten to abduct. During all of this, we hide down here in the safety of our lair. Only, our home isn't so peaceful anymore.

We're all afraid.

Mikey's afraid of the shadows and what might lurk there. Couple nights ago, when I couldn't sleep, I wandered through the halls. Beneath Mikey's door frame, a fragment of light shown through. He sleeps with the light on.

Donnie refuses to eat anything he himself didn't prepare or he didn't watch being prepared. The night when Karai poisoned his coffee is fresh in his mind. She'd dosed it and he'd passed out, and she took him away to the Shredder. Though, Donnie understands that we're his brothers and would never hurt him. Still, it's better to be safe than sorry.

Leo is afraid of Splinter. The man nearly beat him to death for fuck's sake. He no longer goes in the main room alone anymore, it's too close to the rat's room. And, on the rare occasions Leo does sit in the main room, he's on edge and sitting closely to one of us. I can see the fear in his eyes every time we're somewhere other than our room. It sickens me that a child can be so afraid of his own father, so much that he can't even hear the resting of the floors without flinching and shipping around to see what lurks behind him. I know for a fact that Leo won't be fully stable until we're out of here.

And I'm afraid of Karai. The girl who tortured me by the side of the Shredder. She gave me a box of blades, waiting for the day when I would finally slit my skin. I broke free of the prison, stealing her with me. What goes around comes around, after all. But her bedroom, where we keep her locked, is just down the hall, and it scares me. Because what if one day she gets free and comes for me. I can only hope to god it'll never happen.

What will we do? We're all afraid of this place, we're all walking on eggshells on a day to day basis. We need to leave this place, go upstate. To the farm house. That's what we'll do.

"I think we should leave the city." Leo pulls away, shocked at my suggestion. By the look on my other brothers faces, I can tell that they're just as surprised. "Think about it, we're all so afraid down here. Leo, you're afraid of splinter, Donnie you won't eat what you don't witness prepared, and Mikey you're afraid of the shadows. We have to leave."

Consideration spreads across their faces as they comprehend my thick words. Finally, Donnie speaks up. "I say we leave tomorrow night. It'll be dark and the highways will be nearly empty, the chances of us being spotted are fewer."

Mikey nods in agreement.

It's all eyes on Leo, the last to commit. He fiddles with this fingers in his lap. He glances up, looking around the room before saying, "Let's do it."

...

I've come undone

But you make sense of who I am

Like puzzle pieces in your hand,

Then I see your face

I know I'm finally yours

I find everything I thought I lost before

You call my name

I come to you in pieces

So you can make me whole!

...


	37. 900 Miles

The swift sound of the zipper stringing together ripples through the room, making an indication that I've finished stuffing my belongings into the black duffle bag handed to me earlier in the day by Donatello. On the other end of the room, Leo is finishing up as well, placing yet another stack of comics in nearly beside the others. Leaving my sack on my hammock, I run and jump onto Leo's bed, collapsing into his thick sheets with a long sigh and a grin plastered on my face. My older brother gives me a look expressing his annoyance, but I brush it off, happy to be basking in his attention once more.

"Think this'll be good for us?" Leonardo never really made any comments on our plan to run away, only said that he agreed that it was best. The greater part of me believes that Leo is only agreeing to do this out of selflessness, because he wants to protect me and Donnie and Mikey. Though, a sliver of my soul knows that he's just as eager to leave his fears behind as the rest of us.

"Hope so," Leo responds as he closes his duffle bag and places it carefully on the floor. He lays down, curling into me like a child. His head rests on my arm, and he nuzzles into my neck, keeping me warm. "Because if it isn't," he continues in a soothing tone, "then I won't know what else to do."

My grin widens, teeth showing between my lips. "You're so damn brave, Leo."

"Don't say damn."

"I'm serious."

Leonardo hesitates to respond, and the silence fills back into the room. I lean down and press a firm kiss to the crown of his head. "You're so brave, because you would do anything to protect us, no matter the extent you have to go to," I whisper into his skin.

To my dismay, Leo pulls away, sitting up. I prop myself up on one elbow, staring up at my brother, waiting for him to say something. He doesn't stare at me, but instead at the wall opposite of him, looking lost in thought. Or in his mind. Or in this world.

"But I couldn't protect you from Shredder. Or Donnie from Karai. Or Mikey from his sorrows. I couldn't even protect myself from my own father." Under his breath I hear him murmur something along the lines of, "I'm so pathetic," so I sit upright, placing my hand on Leo's shoulder.

"Don't talk like that, Leo. What happened was not your fault, at all. There was nothing any of us could do about it," tears prickle at my eyes as I shake my head profoundly.

At the same moment, we both shed a tear, and so I wrap my arms protectively around Leonardo, holding him tight against me.

"But what if it happens again?" His voice his muffled against my plastron, his words coming out as a blur.

"It won't, because we'll be out at the farm house. Nothing bad ever happens out there." Abruptly, Leonardo pulls away and gives me a look reading 'are you even serious right now?' I chuckle, thinking back to the months we spent at that place, all of the monsters that we faced. "Okay, well, hopefully it'll be nothing we can't handle."

Leonardo smirks at me, his sapphire eyes suddenly gaining light. "Hopefully. But knowing us, we'll have battled 13 monsters (A/N whoever gets this reference correct and puts it in a review upon me posting the next chapter will receive spoilers) just after two hours of being there."

"Wouldn't be our worst day," I yawn, leaning back again. Once more, Leonardo lays down next to me, nuzzling into me. I wrap an arm around him. Together, we lay in peace, inhaling the serenity, exhaling chaos.

* * *

**Leonardo Pov**

Fishing the keys out of a pocket on my utility belt, I unlock Karai's door, carrying a plate of carrots and a bowl of soup and a glass of milk. Handing them to her, I sit down on the floor, watching as she eats atop her bed. Even in here, locked up and forced to eat what we bring her, Karai looks strong and passionate.

"Remind me why I'm here again," Karai doesn't ask for the recap, she demands it. And as much as I hate to take orders from a prisoner—God, I hate calling her a prisoner—I answer her question head-on.

"You poisoned Donnie, took him to Shredder, locked Raphael up, and helped torture him. Unless you're blind and short sighted, you can agree that what you did was some pretty nasty stuff," I glare at Karai as I list off her crimes, the words tasting bitter on my tongue.

"Right, right, right," Karai murmurs as she snaps a carrot in half and plops part of it in her mouth. She turns to me, looking deep into my eyes. Guilt overwhelms me as I begin to understand that I, too, am on of the ones holding her captive. She points the other carrot at me and rehearses a well known phrase, "You do the crime, you pay the time."

I nod in agreement with her remark.

"Was our relationship fake, Karai?" I stare at my hands in my leg, avoiding eye contact despite the weighted feeling of her eyes resting on me. I bite my lower lip, knowing gently as I wait longer and longer did a response. Nothing comes, causing me to exhale a brief sigh. "I loved you, ya know."

"But . . . not anymore?" Karai questions with a raised eye brow.

"No. Not after what you did to my brothers." Still, it would pain me to find out that our relationship was nothing short of artificial on her behalf. Because at one point in my life, she was my lover, and I wouldn't have given her up for all the money in the world.

I squeeze my eyes tight, locking up every memory of me and Karai in the pit of my heart. Standing, I make my way to the door. Holding onto the knob, not turning it just yet, I peer at Karai over my shoulder. "I have to go finish packing, if I come across any books in my room then I'll bring them to you."

"Wait, packing? For what?"

"Me and my brother's are going up to live at the farm house," it never occurred to me, until this instant, that this wasn't going to be temporary. No matter what we said about coming home soon, deep down we all know that there is not going to be a return.

"Seriously?" Karai jolted up and was at my side in a matter of seconds. Her fingers curled around my biceps, and she tugged on me a bit, eyes filled to the brim with positivity. "Take me with you."

"What? No! Not after everything you've done," my voice is dagger-sharp, my vengeful soul shining through the cracks of my words.

"Leo."

I shake her arm off of me.

"Leo!"

I reach for the key.

"Leonardo!"

"What!?" I howl in anger. My teeth are baring between my curled lips, making me look for fierce than ever.

Karai doesn't react, though, doesn't even flinch. I never would've expected her too, she's always been too strong for her own good. If I didn't know any better, then I'd say she's exactly like Raphael.

"I cannot remember." Her words are crisp and clear, perfectly comprehendible, yet I still can't bring myself to fully understand. She can't remember? What does that even mean?

She seems to read my thoughts, going into further explanation, "The last thing I remember before being locked up here is going on a patrol with Raphael and stalking around the Shredder's lair. Everything in between is . . . lost."

Furrowing my brow, I narrow my eyes at Karai, attempting to make sense of it all. "That makes zero sense."

"Trust me, I know," Karai agrees with a roll of her eyes.

Testing what she claims to be true, I ask her a question she would surely answer correctly if she had her memories, "What was the last thing I told you before we had sex?"

Karai's eyes widen, and I can't tell if her eyes are watering from delight or misery. "W-we had sex?"

"Jesus, Karai," I feel out of breath, as if all of the wind got knocked out of me, "You really don't remember, do you?" She shakes her head, a distressed expression on her face.

I can't help it, I lift a hand and caress her cheek gently. When she leans into my touch, I smile, the weight of the world seemingly lifting off of my shoulders. "I'm gonna go talk to my brothers. Just, sit tight, k?"

Her lips crash into mine before I can exit the room, her arms chaining around my neck.

* * *

**Raphael Pov**

"We'll leave at, per se, 9:30? It'll have been dark for a quite a while around then, and by the time we get to the highways the roads'll be near empty," Donnie gives out suggestions as we load up the party wagon with the bags we already have packed.

"Sounds good," I pause, a thought coming to mind, "What if we get caught? By splinter?" Donnie pauses his loading, holding Mikey's orange Adidas duffle in his arms, and looks at me with an expression as soft as his burgundy eyes. "Then we leave anyway. Leo said we should leave a note, just so he doesn't worry."

I roll my eyes, crossing my arms over my plastron. "Since when do we care whether or not he worries?" I scoff.

"No matter what he did to Leo, he was still our father for the first sixteen years of our lives. He's allowed to love us," okay, love was not used in our past conversation, worry was. But still, I suppose that Donnie is right.

I mutter a response and help Don place a big box full of lab equipment into the van. The cardboard drops with a thump, the sound echoing throughout the lab. I cringe. This was supposed to be a silent mission, now I'm dropping boxes as if we want all of China to know we're leaving?

Suddenly, Leo comes bursting through the doors, sprinting towards us. I take a step back as he skids to a stop. He's panting as he attempts to talk, words not quite forming. I raise my brow in question.

"I . . . wanted to talk to you guys . . . about something," Leonardo states with a raised finger, telling me to wait just a moment.

When my older brother regains his ability to speak and breathe properly, he stands up taller, making himself look as broad and bulletproof as possible. "This is going to sound crazy," I hate it when he starts with that, "but I need you to hear me out."

Both me and Donnie nod, urging Leo forward.

"I think Karai should come with us." My jaw drops to the floor, eyes widening, then narrowing at my brother. I don't say anything though, I'll laugh at the end of this hell of an explanation. "I know this is going to sound crazy, but I'd been thinking the exact same thing, and I still am. Karai says that she can't remember anything between the time her and Raph patrolled solo at the Shredder's lair to the time when she woke up after being brought here. The finale the thing remembers is that worm," Leo points to the one squirming around in the canister Donnie captured it in.

"What are you suggesting?" Donatello asks in a shaky voice. He'd already come up with a theory that the work was evil, long ago had that been established, but he's never been quite sure what it was meant to do.

My eyes shift over to Donnie, my only blood relative. I can see him slowly slipping into a state of believing what Karai told Leo, while I sense nothing but a trap. Of course Karai would be saying this sort of things to Leo, he's the most prone to believe her out of the four of us, and it doesn't exactly take a genius to know that Mikey and Donnie will believe just about anything Leo tells them, just because he's the oldest of us all, therefore, our protector.

"I think that that worm did something her mind. It like, brainwashed her, or something. Or, maybe put a pause on he memory," Leo suggests, his tone filled with uncertainty. "Look, I don't know exactly what happened, but I do believe that Karai isn't the one at fault here."

"This is bullshit," I mutter, shaking my head from side to side.

Mikey enters the room, a box of VHS tapes in his hands. "What's bullshit?" He asks as he slides the box into the car.

"Leo thinks Karai lost her memory and because of that she should come to the farm house with us."

"Well, we'll keep her locked up."

"Still . . ," Mikey starts, but doesn't finish.

"Look, I don't blame you guys for not trusting her, I myself don't entirely believe her, but what are we supposed to do? Leave her here unguarded?" Leonardo us persistent as he talks, clearly not yet willing to take 'no' for an answer.

"Splinter'll be here, he ain't comin'."

"You know that he hasn't done shit for Karai since the second she arrived. Donnie tended her wounds, I bring food to her everyday. She'll starve if we leave her behind. Either that or Splinter will set her free and there's a chance that she'll crawl right back to where she same from; that is, if the Shredder doesn't come for her first," Leonardo's tone is dark, and his eyes are as cold as stone. "Bringing her along may not be the most desired option, but it is the wisest."

I have to admit, I can't exactly come up with a counterclaim for that argument, but that doesn't make agree with what's being said. "Leo, listen, I know how much Karai means to you-"

"She means nothing to me, not after what she did to you."

"-but I won't feel safe with her in that house with me."

Donnie, hesitantly, steps forward, a hand raised, as in to give us a heads up that he's about to speak. "I hate to say it, but Leo is right. We can't leave Karai here unattended, it's a hazard."

"But Splinter!" I exasperate, throwing my arms in the air in defeat.

"Doesn't care anymore. He never leaves his room, I doubt he'll bother Karai," Leo says calmly.

I heave a long sigh. There's no getting my way in this situation, no matter what I say. Growling, I murmur, "Fine. Karai can come."

I whip around briskly, stomping out, letting my foot steps boom loudly. Someone's following after me, and j don't have to turn around to know its Leonardo. I let him follow me to our bedroom, where I lay down on his bed. Leo sits next to me, looking down with eyes filled with compassion. "Raph, please don't be mad at me for this."

"I'm not. I get it, you love her."

"I don't love her."

"Don't deny your feelings, Leo, it hurts too much." My heart throbs as my thoughts wander elsewhere, to redheaded girl I fell for too hard, too fast. Still, even after learning of her cheating, I can't get myself up off the ground. I'm too far gone in her.

Leonardo bites his lip, guilt clouding his face. "But I don't love her. There's . . . someone else."

"Who?"

He shakes his head. "Not now. When the time is right, I'll tell you. But we should sleep for now, we'll be up all night driving, after all."

So, he wiggles under the covers, and nuzzles his snout against my neck. I inhale his almond scent, finding it to be the most comfortable thing in the world.

* * *

Around 9:30, we loaded into the car. It was past dark, the sun was long gone from the sky. Notes written and left in our bedrooms, there's no doubt Splinter will find them.

We left silently, being the ninjas we are. Barely a trace was left behind, you'd never know we'd lived here for seventeen years.

Leonardo and Karai rode in the back—which was blocked off from the front with a wall, which held a small window—with the luggage, while me, Donnie, and Mikey sat in the front. Two hours into the voyage, and Mikey was asleep and leaning against me. I stroked his head gently, enjoying the ride through the highways, studying the scenery as we drove by. Music came flowing gently from the speakers, riding the car of complete silence.

I turn to face the small window, glancing at Leo. Karai's head lays on his lap, and his hands are running through her thick locks. His lips move swiftly, in a whisper sorta way. So passionate, he looks, comforting her slumbering form in such a way. It convinces me even further that, despite his previous claim, he still cares for her as if nothing ever happened.

Looking back at the road ahead, and Donnie behind the wheel, I heave a sigh. "Pull over."

Donatello looks over at me in question for a few seconds before focusing back on the road. "No."

"Pull over," I say it more demanding. His eyes are dropping and I know that it's only a matter of time before he's too tired to stay awake. "I can take over, I took a nap earlier, I'll be fine."

Donnie shakes his head, as if he's reluctant to hand over the wheel. Still, he pulls over, and the two of us circle around the farm, switching places.

When he's buckled in, pulling Mikey's blanket over his legs, I start to drive. The wheel is slick with sweat, the leather feeling rough against my scarred up hands. Intently watching the roads, I become aware that, due to it being near midnight, it will be quite a while until I come across any other travelers. So, relaxing a bit, I turn the stereo up a little louder, a smile creeping up onto my face.

...

And if this train

Runs me right

I'll be home Saturday night

Cause I'm nine hundred miles from my home

...


	38. In My Arms

**Hello again my lovelies! Thanks a bunch for the reviews last chapter, they were a joy to read. A few announcements before I start this chapter. One, to the people who received spoilers for the reference last chapter, I'm taking back what I promised this chapter would broadcast. I tried to write it, but POV was a struggle and I found myself with major writers block. Sorry about that. Two, this story is coming to a close. I only plan on another two chapters, leaving ther story at 40. There will be a sequel, titled "Scars and Markings." I'm hoping that someone with a Deviantart could step forth and maybe make a cover for the story—this person would receive spoilers, to make it easier for them to create the cover—so if you're interested please let me know. With that said, enjoy and review! **

The chilly, brisk night air swims around me, wind bouncing off of the crashing waves and bushy trees before landing on me. A shiver ripples down my shell as goosebumps form on my arms. Rocks whistle as a sharp breeze glides past, the low hiss mixing with the buzz of insects and frog croaking in the depths of the forest.

The sun is setting on the horizon, just barely visible past the rushing waves in the lake. With a red sky, the ground and everything resting upon it is darker than it was moments ago. I can just barely hear the soft footsteps approaching me above the roaring sounds of nature, therefore, no surprise comes when a hand is laid on my shoulder.

Leonardo slides onto the rock I'd taken to sitting on, making it a seat for two. His head lolls to the side, falling on my shoulder gently. The pressure of his scaly skin is muffled by the thick scarf I've wrapped around my neck for warmth in this icy weather. Leo reaches for my hands, taking them in his own. My body is instantly warmed, and I feel as if I were sitting in front of a fire. His body scent—creamy almonds mingling with rich lavender—does nothing short of adding to the illusion.

"You shouldn't be out here so late," his voice is soft, hardly audible, yet, soothing, "you'll freeze." As he says this last part, he moves one of his hands to my thigh, where it rubs up and down, the feel of his hand stroking my skin calmly far more relaxing than any sunset could ever be.

I don't reply, choosing to instead bask in the silence like you would the suns rays. Leonardo doesnt seem to mind, because all he does his lean harder onto me.

His breaths are warm against my skin, and slowly, ever so slightly, they become shallower. I smirk, rolling my eyes as I begin to realize that he's about to fall asleep. "C'mon, Leo, let's go back home," I whisper into his ear. I don't move, he looks too peaceful to disrupt.

A low growl rumbles in the pits of his throat, taking me by surprise. "I like it here, with you."

"I do too, but you're tired, we should get you to bed." I brush his mask tails away from his face, draping them instead over his shoulder.

Leonardo nods in agreement with me, standing up on his feet. Heavy bags heave under his eyes, formed by exhaustion and lack of sleep.

I frown, thinking about all of the nightmares he's been having lately. It happens almost every night, he starts screaming and thrashing around in his bed, completely uncontrollably. He's still sleeping when this happens, not at all aware that in the real world he's howling and punching at pillows and kicking blankets. Within his mind he's facing a real battle, one that's only true to the eyes of him.

I'm the only thing that can calm him down. I'll leap out of bed, practically throwing my bedroom door off its hinges when I thrust it open, and take off in a sprint, aiming his room as destination. The others don't bother to check on Leo anymore, they know I'll take care of him.

Sometimes he clutches me tightly, holding on for dear life. He'll hastily explain to me what his dream was about, and won't take a deep inhale and exhale until I've promised that he's safe now, I won't let anyone hurt him.

Other nights, I'll wake him up from his dreams, and he'll stare directly into my eyes, baring a gaze so hollow it makes me second guess myself. He won't say a word as I slip into the empty spot next to him, pulling the covers over our sleep-deprived bodies. He won't speak during these nights, never will he explain to me what's gotten him so riled up. His bland eyes target the wall, or the ceiling, or floor, anything other than me. I get frightened on nights like these. Two questions spin around and around in my mind, like clothes in a dryer. What has he seen that has him this petrified? What can I do to make him alright?

Leonardo holds make hand as we walk the mild distance back to the farm house. Occasionally, I sneak glances at him, allowing my eyes to wander over his form; up and down and up again. He looks fine in everywhere but the face, which droops and frowns and glares as deeply as the ocean. I want to say something, anything, to break this wretched silence. Unfortunately, I've run fresh out of words, so I go on drowning in the tension.

"Will you lay with me?" Leonardo asks me when we enter his bedroom.

It's small in here, just like the other rooms. A small desk is the only furniture other than the bed, making for the compact room to look rather bare. Posters make up for the blank walls, and papers filled with lines of poetry are scattered around the floor. I don't bother to read the words strewn together by my brother, his thoughts are for his mind only, until the time when he asks for my aid in the journey to salvation. He's helped me so much with mine; guiding me away from distracting sidewalks and parks, leading me back onto the road. It excites me, the thought of helping him in the same way.

"No," I reply, using the same little phrase I do every night.

"Why not?"

"Because you're strong, Leo, you can face the nightmares on your own. If you have them, that is," I toss a genuine smile his way, my grin widening as his face lightens up more.

"You're the only thing that can keep them at bay," Leonardo's tone is solemn, contradicting his bright expression, "you know that."

I sit on the edge of his bed, leaning forward to press a hand against his cheek. He leans into my touch, his eyes twitching as they struggle to stay open. "I also know that sitting in front of me is a boy—wait, no, a man—who can be thrown into any battle, and make it out without a single scratch."

* * *

His screams fill the house, high-pitched and bloodcurdling. The sound, with cries added into it, makes me want to collapse to the ground and curl into a ball as tight as tight can be. But I fight the urge to fall over, doing in fact, the utter opposite.

I leap out of bed, sprinting down the halls. No one else's exits they're room, although I do hear faint groans of pure annoyance as I pass Karai's bedroom. It's hard to tune into anything right now, the blood pounding in my ears is too loud to ignore, making for the world around me to sound muffled and far, far away.

Bursting into Leonardo's bedroom, I practically kick the door of its hinges.

He's in his bed, sobbing as he shakes violently. His nails dig deep into his palms, and as I close in on the scene, I see that he's drawing blood.

I grab his hands anxiously, pulling his quaking body into my arms. I sit on the edge of his bed, staring straight ahead as Leonardo slowly gains consciousness. His crying doesn't subside, the stream of tears are still wetting my shoulder. His hands are wrapped tightly around my biceps, like a promise to never let go.

"Shhh . . . it's okay, you're alright, I'm here, you don't have to worry anymore," I coo, whispering the words of reassurance while softly stroking the back of his head.

He doesn't respond how you think he would, not at all with an, "I'm so scared." His voice isn't even in w whisper, it's far louder, as if all the world should hear him say it, as he confirms, "I'm done with this, I'm not going to keep having nightmares every night, just because my mind is corrupted. Tonight is the last night."

I get him to lay down with me, in my room, this time, for a change of environment. His face is buried in the crook of my neck, where is shallow breaths are barely audible. I drift into slumber, too, after a long while. Still, the gears in my mind are turning, turning, turning with one single question.

What does my brother have planned?

* * *

"I want to go back," Leonardo announces over breakfast the next morning.

It's me and him in the kitchen, the others already ate earlier in the day. Mikey has always been an early riser, preparing the morning meal for the family, and it's his and Donnie's turn to hunt today, explaining why the latter is up so early. Karai is upstairs getting ready, music singing softly over the rush of her morning shower.

I don't look up as I butter my toast, sliding my knife back and forth across the loaf. The proposition is outrageous, as well as peculiar. Why would Leonardo want to go back when his reoccurring nightmares all take place in the lair?

"No way, Leo. We came out here for clarity, there isn't a chance in hell that we're moving back home," my statement is firm, my solid expression adding to the affect. But Leonardo is persistent, if not demanding, and I know for a fact that this is not something he's going to let go.

"Yes, we are," he stretches out the words, in an attempt to emphasize.

Leo turns his head, looking at the wall to our left. His lips are pressed into a firm line, his eyes narrowed in concentration.

I take a sip of my coffee, not bothering to drop my gaze as I peer at him over the rim of the mug. His face softens some, becoming less uptight and more relaxed. He turns his head to look at me, a faint trace of a smile lingering on his lips, like a ghost from yesterday evening.

Staring into his sapphire eyes, I let my mind wander back to last night, on the beach, where nothing but me feeling his presence mattered.

I reach across the table, weaving my hands with his, just as he begins to speak. "I know that you want the best for me; I want that for you, too. But going back into the city is something I have to do."

"Why, though?"

"For a sense of closure . . ," Leonardo says it like a question, trailing off into space. "I think that if I talk to Splinter, it'll clear some things up, and the nightmares won't be as bad."

I nod, not because I believe this'll change anything, but instead because I support Leonardo, and if this is something he needs to do, then I'll be right at his side. "I'll call up Mikey, tell him to come back."

Leo shakes his head in argument, "I just want it to be me and you."

Once again, I nod in understanding.

We make plans over eggs and bacon, taking turns refilling each other's glasses; orange juice for him and coffee for me. Everything seems alright. I'm getting better, the antidepressants are helping me with the aching pain in my soul, although, Leonardo was the ladder that lead me out of the void I'd been stuck in the middle of.

Yes, everything is smooth sailing from here, it seems.

* * *

It's late when we arrive at the lair, the sewer tumbles nothing short of dark. Leonardo's shoulder brushes against mine as we trudge through the silence, nothing but our feet slamming into groggy puddles to rid us of the quiet.

Determination shifts to petrification the second we step foot in the lair. Everything here is just so . . . uneasy. The air is thick with mold, but that isn't what puts me so far off. It's instead the feeling that something has changed. Like a single object has been picked up, and never again sat down. Yeah, it feels exactly like that. Only, I can't quite picture object has been misplaced.

Leo passes me by in the entrance, heading straight for the dojo. It takes me a moment, or two or maybe even three, to muster up the courage to follow after him, as the fear nipping at me is growing into an animal hungrier than a starving child wolf. He stops me short, saying only that he wants to talk with Splinter alone. So, I turn to the lab, reciting the list of materials Donnie instructed for me to retrieve.

I'm half way through gathering everything up, currently shoving bottles upon bottles of pills into a box, going forth with my job with a blank expression, listening intently as the tablets jiggle in their containers.

Suddenly, it isn't the only sound filling the sewers, as fearful scream echoes throughout the underground chambers. I drop the box, my head jerking to the side, my eyes narrowed in the direction of the sound. Leo.

My legs are moving at three hundred mph, panic coursing through my veins. Heart pounding out of my chest, alarms setting off in my head, tears spilling out of my eyes as the possibilities of why my brother let out a scream come filing into my mind.

He could've been hit by Splinter, or worse; with them being in the dojo I'm not sure any shock would come if Leo was laying in a pile of blood, the slimy Crimson liquid pouring out of the wound. I shove this thought aside, swallowing it whole in disgust with myself for ever thinking it.

The dojo' doors are already open, and I lunge at Leo when I see him. He falls against me, tears staining his beautiful eyes. I look for an bruises, or marks where a hand had slapped, but find nothing. This should reassure me, I should feel better, yet I don't. Because that unsettling feeling crawls out of the shadows, tickling my shell with its sharp claws.

"What's wrong?" I rasp, all energy drained out of me.

"Behind you," Leonardo murmurs.

I brace myself as I slowly edge around, and what I see knocks all the air out of me. It's a punch in the gut, the image, I become witness to. How didn't I see this when I came in? How am I ever gonna continue on with my life after seeing this?

"We have to go," the words are barely audible as I pull Leonardo to his feet. He swipes away at the fallen tear that was dripping down my face. Leaning forward, he presses his lips against my forehead.

For the first time in months, I melt into his arms, allowing tears to rain out of my emerald eyes. I don't shove the depression, or the fear, away. I sink into it, letting it consume me. Leonardo does the same, and as we sit together, mourning, there's never been anything more pure than this moment. Two brothers, wrapped in one another's arms, grieving over their father, who'd hung himself in the tree of their old home.

...

Knowing clouds will rage in

Storms will race in

But you will be safe in my arms

Rains will pour down

Waves will crash around

But you will be safe in my arms

...


	39. Not Broken Anymore

**Hey guys! Thanks a bunch for the reviews, I highly appreciated them as always! A few quick announcements before the chapter begins. First off, I'll just say it again, there is only going to be one more chapter after this one and then there will be a sequel which I will title "Scars and Markings." Please check that out when this is finished. Also, on the same note, if anyone with a deviantart would do me the favor of creating the cover, I'd seriously appreciate it. Please pm me or leave a review if your willing to take the challenge. And finally, I am hoping to get to 200 reviews before the wrap up. We only need another 10! Whoever leaves review 200 will receive spoilers for the sequel, so try to be that person! With that said, enjoy and review! **

Donnie and Karai and Mikey are waiting on the porch for us, their three, cold forms shivering under a thick blanket as they wait upon our return. They're up on their feet the second our car comes into view of the farmhouse; we called ahead of time, saying we'd need their help with something. Little do they know that it'll be the aid of carrying deceased father to proper burial grounds.

Leonardo brings the car to a stop, and we both hop out, racing to the back of the car.

"What's going on?"

"What happened?"

"Did you see Splinter?"

"Oh, we saw him alright," I murmur with a grim tone.

I exchange a fearful glance with Leonardo before opening the back doors wide. The sapphire orbs warm me, reassuring me that, even after I reveal what's inside this car to the others, everything will be okay. I have nothing to worry about.

We yank the doors open.

We crawl into the car, and lift our father, taking him into the open.

We lay him in the grass.

"Holy fuck, is he dead?"

"Splinter!"

"Get him to the barn, now!"

* * *

"Why would he do this?" Karai's face is buried in her palms, tears streaming her face.

We're in the barn, the five of us. Me, Karai and Leonardo are sitting around a small table, mourning amongst ourselves. Across the room, Donnie is inspecting Splinter's body, mumbling things as he pokes the body with an unsharpened pencil. Next to him, Mikey sits in a chair, sobbing over our father's lifeless body.

I stare at my hands in my lap, disbelief still running my mind. Never in a million years would I have guessed that Splinter's life would end at his own hands. But it did and I have to live with the fact that I want there to talk him out of suicide.

A set of eyes burns into my skull; Leonardo's. I sense concern, an emotion he so often holds towards me. Sometimes, like right now, it makes me feel weak. If he believed I was as strong as he says I am, then why does he stare at me the way he does?

"I'm fine," I mutter loud enough for only him to hear, answering the question his eyes are asking.

"You don't have to be," his gaze shifts away from me, "you can be damaged, or helpless. And I can fix you."

My head jerks up, and when my eyes land on his, the softness of his stare calms me some. "I don't need fixing, but thanks for the offer."

I stand up, shoving my chair back, and make my way towards the large barn doors.

The air is crisp, chilling me to the bone. It's obvious that winter is approaching, the first snow of the season is due soon. Heading nowhere in particular, I pace, taking odd turns when it feels right.

"Raph! Hey, wait up!" Leonardo calls out to me, sprinting through the wheat fields. I slow my pace, turning around to face him.

He skids to a stop in front of me, out of breath. "Don't be like this," he rasps between pants.

I fold my arms across my chest, eyes narrowed into slits as I become impatient. "Like what? A bitch?"

"You're not a bitch," Leonardo snaps defensively.

"Then what am I, Leo?!" I throw my hands in the air out of defeat. "'Cause perfect ain't it."

"I never said you're perfect, I never said you're anything," Leo's voice is calm as he tilts his head. His eyes are at the perfect length, pupils larger than usual. He studies me like he would a book, taking in every little detail.

"But, if I was something," I walk towards him, stopping when our plastrons are only half a foot apart, "what would I be? To you?"

"Enticing, astonishing, everything I've ever wanted," his head tilts further to the right, and the tone of his eyes shifts from determination to fondness.

I don't know how to react, but we're close, breathing the same air, and as I begin to comprehend his words I feel light headed, ready to pass out at any moment. "Leo, before we left you told me that you were in love with someone other than Karai. Who?"

Leonardo smiles softly, taking my hands in his. He leans forward, pressing a kiss to my cheek.

Shock courses through me, infiltrating my veins like a terrorist. I want to say something, anything, but I'm not so sure I can.

That's when he shifts, moving towards my ear. He whispers, "You."

My face goes hot with blush, legs going wobbly. So I lean into him, accepting his embrace as he releases my hands and wraps his arms around my neck. I hold onto his hips, keeping the two of us steady while we fall into the depths of each other's hearts. "Do you love me, too?"

"I-I dunno yet," I admit, biting my lip. My feelings for him aren't yet clear, even as he presses his lips against mine.

His mouth is warm and brisk as he moves, tilting his head to get the perfect angles. It isn't until he begins planting sloppy kisses on my jawline, and dropping down to sucking gently on the delicate skin of my neck that I fully give in with a loud moan.

The sudden exhale of a noise competes with the roaring wind that surrounds us. It bends the trees, but not us. We stand tall, together, two people made one. That's when I make a promise, a vow, to never leave him.

We go back home, and sleep beside each other in my bed. His head is on my plastron, my arm draped over his slumbering form as I myself drift into a land of nothingness.

Nights turn to days, days to weeks, weeks to months, and we still sleep together, every night. And we kiss, and we love, and we share peaceful conversations while watching the sunrise on the beach.

I don't know much, not yet, anyhow. What I do know, is that I love him, and I think I always have. He completes me, Leonardo. He heals my wounds and picks me up when I'm about to fall. And I do the exact thing for him.

Thanks to me, he no longer has nightmares.

Thanks to him, I'll never touch a blade again.

...

But I can't stop thinking

how you just keep making

sense of all that was broken before

And I won't keep faking

Cause I'm done with taking

Cause with you I'm not broken anymore

I've seen the empty deep

I've damned up the water flow

You're the touchstone my complete

You're the ship that kept me afloat

Can you tell me that you're real

So I can really know

That everything I feel I can finally show

Standing next to me oh the person I can be

Is finally here and he won't back down at all

...


	40. Fear

**Hey there everyone! Thanks for the previous reviews. As you all know, this is the final chapter of Cuts and Bruises, and might I say, it's been one hell of journey! I've enjoyed writing this story very much, and it amazes me how many of ****my viewers stepped forth and confessed that, like the protagonist of this fanfic, they suffer from mild depression and acts of self harm. To those of you who relate to this, I only want to say: good luck on your journey to salvation. I know how hard some days ca****n be, perhaps more than most. If any of you ever need to a listener, I'm here, so feel free to pm me.**

** On another note, a lighter one, the sequel, "Scars and Markings," will be posted within the matter of two weeks, so please, stay tuned. **

** This chapter takes place five months after the last one. Enjoy and review!**

* * *

Six fully sharpened blades sit in their shed beneath the windowsill, soaking in the heavy rays of the run. The handles are all I can see from were I stand at the door, but it's still enough to remind me of what the metal looks like against my skin.

Six knives taunt me, mocking me as they represent the faces of six people I know well. Some of which is loved and grown to hate, and others who I'd hated and come to love.

Splinter is the cleaver, because he was my father so many years. He was the big man, the one I'd always looked up to. His role in my life was to built me into what I was later meant to become. At a young age, I'd adored my father, treasuring every moment spent basking in his presence. But recently, a low form of hatred had lit itself, looking like a spark set by a group of burning embers. I fed the fire, adding coals to the piling stack of burning materials. Soon, the man I'd seen as a father for oh-so long became nothing but another burden to me.

April is the peeling knife, given this role by the way she tore away every layer of my aching heart, as if I was nothing but a fruit that she's desired only for the sweet taste. She'd never cared much about me, rarely bothering to listen to my words of expression. She would much rather me pleasure her physically, and her lack of communication backfired in the end, I'd say, when my brother came to realize that the red head had been cheating on me through the entire course of our relationship.

Karai is the fillet knife, given the impressions she offers. To the naked eye, she is dangerous, cunning, and fierce. It appears that she would cut deep, leaving a gash bound to stay forever. But, truly, she's a gentle slice, rarely leaving a wound. And when she does, it isn't intentional. She's honorable, and noble.

Michelangelo is the carving knife, due to his ability to shape any bad situation, any bad edge, into something good, something well rounded and appreciated. Back in my weakest hour, Mikey took me into his hands, seeing me as a wounded, flightless bird. One with potential, one that carried hope on its shoulders, like a weight meant to be lifted to the heavens. The only issue was that I, the little bird, had no confidence. So, Mikey took it as his responsibility to fix me up, to heal the damage inflicted upon me. My little brother carved me into the man I am today, four months later after my harsh, bitter cold season that was filled with long days of hate and suicide attempts.

Donatello is the cleaner knife, for the way that he cleanses my soul with every syllable he speaks, molding his words into carefully woven lines of poetry. He makes me wonder, how is it possible to voice simple phrases with more much clarity than a crystal clear wine glass? His advices make more sense than all the smarts in the world, and I can't help but marvel every time he opens his mouth.

And finally, Leonardo. He is the jam knife, I've decided this by the way he spreads feelings over me, transforming me from a burnt piece of toast to a sweetly buttered breakfast. With the love he offers me, he's replaced my eyes, showing me who I truly am, what I truly am. I no longer believe I'm worthless. I no longer hate myself. I no longer wish to die. I no longer stare at these knives and think about the way I could hurt myself with them. He's washed away those thoughts, replacing them with newer, more joyful ones that keep me afloat when the rivers waves are pulsing, threatening to drown me.

12 months ago, I would've taken these knives one by one, picking out the sharpest, the most promising, and I would've dug through my skin, punching myself both physically and internally. But now, I laugh at the idea, because harming yourself, it's the worst of punishments. Now, under the influence of love, I realize the truth; no one deserves a torture as dastardly as self harm. There's not an evil in the universe as threatening as the thoughts we progress ourselves, and that, my friend, is why people like me chose to inflict pain upon our own bodies. Because it's easier than having the fear that we are weak. And frail. And withering.

"Raph? Raphael, where are you?" Leonardo's tall, strong voice echoes throughout the farmhouse, sounding bold against my soft ears. I turn around just as he passes through the kitchen door. His face instantly lifts, and he pauses his step.

We meet half way, our lips in a pucker as prepare the usual greeting. It's a quick kiss, not long lasting, those will wait for tonight when we're officially alone in the walls of our bedroom.

His hands cup my face, even after we've pulled apart. "Come with me, I have to show you something."

I let him lead me out into the meadow, to a patch of fresh, green grass. Various wild flowers are spread across the field, which, while taking a second glance around, I realize is a hill. At the base of the dune sits a tall, raging oak tree. It's branches twist and turn, binding together like segments of hair being wedded into a braid.

I sit down, beside Leonardo, and watch his smooth hands as he carefully plucks small, yellow sunflowers and bright purple tulips and orange daisy's from the ground. I admire his movements as he sets to work on making a pile of flowers, ripping their stems so they're all the same length.

He doesn't say anything, not for a while, at least. So, I take the time to bask in the sun, letting the heat wash over me. My eyes are closed as I settle on my back, finding the tall grass to be the perfect source of comfort on a warm day like this.

"How are you?"

I open one eye, staring straight at the blue sky looking above me. "Good, really good, actually," I confess with a smile.

Leonardo purrs, the low rumble sounding from the depths of his throat as he tangles flowers together. "It's nice, to hear you say that."

At this, I roll over onto my side, propping myself up on one elbow. I study him, Leonardo, my mate, or boyfriend, or lover, whatever you want to call him is fine by me. He looks mesmerizing, when his eyes are full of concentration and he's biting his upper lip.

I reach my hand over, rubbing his thigh gently. He smiles at me, and a cheerful gleam is settling into his sapphire eyes by the time they reach me. Having just finished his mini-project, he places it on my head; a flower crown woven by his hands only. It's a flower crown, and it looks vibrant with the mix of colors. Creamy yellows, sensual purples, and crisp oranges come together to create one masterpiece.

"I love you," Leonardo whispers, pressing a delicate kiss to my forehead after placing his craft on my head.

For a second I don't reply, still unsure of my feelings, and whether I should voice them. Ever since the beginning of us, Leonardo has taken my breath away. It's astonishing, the emotions he fills my lungs with rather than oxygen.

I can't even describe it, the way he makes me feel. It's confusing and warming at the same time.

Never had I thought that it was possible to care for someone so deeply, and still not be able to place words on the way you feel for them. By the way I look at him and smile like psychopath just because I caught a sliver of a glimpse of his attractive face, I'd say that I'm in love with Leonardo. That doesn't seem right though, placing a word as strong as thee on a boy as real as him.

First, though, before you label someone, you have understand the word you are about to place on them. So what is love?

Is it the response you have to their heavenly voice, when you melt every time they speak?

Or when you crumble into a billion pieces, only because he met your eye and sent a smile your way?

Or even, when you fall apart every time his lips meet yours?

So back to the original question: what is love? If you ask me, it's many things. Inhaling their luscious voice like a drug, becoming overwhelmed with dizzying, yet pleasuring thoughts when the two of you exchange friendly glances, and craving the feel of their body against yours.

Therefore, if my interpretation is accurate, then I am in love with Leonardo.

In front of me, he sits, weaving more flowers together, humming softly. I reach for his hand, interlinking our fingers. He glances down at my smug form, clearly annoyed that I've taken his attention away from his activity.

Gently, I pull on his hand, bringing it closer to me, and I lay a kiss on it. "I love you, Leonardo," I say, just barely audible, letting the powerful statement brush across his skin. Never have I ever let words like these roll across my tongue with as much emotion as I offer now.

His eyes widen, his jaw dropping slightly as he eats up my confession. Quickly, in a sloppy movement, he lifts me up and sets me on his lap. I don't pull away, instead I wrap my arms around him.

"Say it again; with meaning," Leonardo speaks into my ear, his tone both alluring and demanding.

"I love you, more than the world and sun and moon combined. The Galaxy, the universe, is nothing in compare to you. You are the only thing I need in this godforsaken life."

"Don't say it like that, my love," he calls me this often, like a pet name. "This life isn't all bad, you just have seen better, so it's harsh in comparison. You are an angel, sent down here by mistake." Leonardo untucked his head from the crook of my neck, resting his forehead on my own instead, as his fingers trace over my jawline, and down my neck, then back up. "That's why you wanted to die so badly, you only wanted to return home."

"Then . . . why did I fail?" I rasp, suddenly being reminded of my previous demeanor.

"Because the lord has decided that this is the best place for you. One day you will return to heaven, though, and when you do, I'll be right at your side." A tear slips away from my eye, falling down my face. Leonardo wipes it away. Good riddance. "Until then, this is your home, and I will do whatever it takes to make it worth your while."

Together, we laid in that long meadow that stretched on for miles and miles. His head was on my stomach as the sun beat down on us. We became invincible in that moment, when we confessed our love, making silent promises to never leave one another.

Promises.

And lies.

And memories.

And fights.

And happy moments.

And times of grief.

That's what brought us together, all of it. My entire life, everything leading up to now, was one story, one timeline. Every event that ever took place was vital to the result of today.

I'm slowly beginning to realize what it's like to feel whole, to no longer worry about thoughts of death, or to desperately want to slide a blade across my skin. Slowly, I'm realizing what a fool I was to not see the life I had in front of me, rather than the death that could so easily be an alternative.

Sure, I had been right to say that without me, the sun would rise and set, and the moon would continue to change shape. The stars would glow, like a quilt in the sky. And the rivers would rage, with little fish feeding off the small bugs embedded in the mud.

Of course, life would go on. People would wake up, go to work, spend time with their families, and go to sleep. The next day would be the same. As well as the next. Nothing would change upon my absence.

Except for this.

Michelangelo would have no one to plan pranks with, no big, brawny brother to race to for protection.

Donatello wouldn't have a brother to talk to when he's bored, or to sit with late at night, while working on his latest project, just so he isn't utterly alone.

And then there's Leonardo. He wouldn't be laying here, in the meadow, absorbing the scenery around us if I weren't alive. He wouldn't have anyone to say "I love you," to, and further more, someone to say it back.

If I died on my attempts, the sun would set and rise, and the earth would orbit the sun, just as it always has. Days would fly by still. People would die. Others would be birthed. Life would go on.

The only difference would be this: I wouldn't be here, on this planet, to play a part in the game.

Leonardo sits up, looking down at me with a smile. "You're thinking, deeply. What about?" He reaches for my wrists as he crosses his legs over each other, pulling me up to sit in front of him.

"About what it'd be like if I weren't here. About all that I could've lost."

Leonardo finds the knot on my wrappings, and slowly, gently, tears at it. "You wouldn't've lost a thing, sweetheart. You would simply be on a pause from having it; until we were reunited in the afterlife."

Swiftly, carefully, he tears my bandages away, revealing my heavily marked arms. His fingers trace over my cuts, my bruises, my scars, my markings. Then, he does something remarkably strange: he kisses my cuts, murmuring one word over and over, "Beautiful."

His lips trail up my arms, and to my neck, alone my jaw, until finally, his mouth meets mine for one, quick peck.

"You are so beautiful."

Leonardo grabs two small flower loops behind him, both of which are identical to the crown on my head. He slides them onto my wrists.

Flowers cover my scars, making me appear to be the word he describes me as; beautiful. "Thank you," I whisper, joyful tears forming in the edges of my eyes.

"Never mention it, my love. You deserve to feel whole. And loved. And happy."

Together, we lay down, once more, eating up the Suns beams like a hungry pack of wolves. A gust of wind flies by, just as Leonardo real eases my bandages.

The last thing I see before drifting into a peaceful nap, are those very wrapping as, fluttering in the breeze, like a bird set free. And the last thing I hear is my father's echoing voice, a memory of the last words he'd ever spoken to me.

"All is fair in love and war."

* * *

_All my life_

_Been running from a pain in me_

_A feeling I don't understand_

_Holding me down_

_Rain on me_

_Underwater_

_All I am, getting harder_

_A heavy weight_

_I carry around._

_Today_

_I don't have to fall apart_

_I don't have to be afraid_

_I don't have to let the damage_

_consume me,_

_My shadow see through me_

_Fear in itself_

_Will reel you in and spit you out_

_Over and over again_

_Believe in yourself_

_And you will walk_

_Fear in itself_

_Will use you up and break you down_

_like you were never enough_

_I used to fall, now I get back up._

_I'm up here_

_I'm looking at the way down there_

_I'm staring through the I don't care_

_It's staring back at me_

_The beauty is_

_I'm learning how to face my beast_

_Starting now to find some peace_

_Set myself free_

* * *

**—This Story Was Created As An Act To Send Awareness Of Acts Of Self Harm, Depression, Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Insomnia, And Bipolar Disorders. People All Around Us Suffer From Mental Disorders Similar To The Ones Listed Above. All I Can Ask Of You, Is That You Lend A Hand, Or Heart, Or Ear, Or Words Of Advice. Whatever You Can Do To Make A Difference Will Be Appreciated In The Long Run, I Can Promise You So—**


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